Surely I Gesture

Here are a few photos snapped of me snapped yesterday morning during my talk at Gloria Dei Lutheran church in Dana Point, CA.

Hey. No one said religion was pretty.

I see. So some of you thought it would be “funny” to write faux-captions of the pictures above.

Fine. You leave me no choice but to also show this picture, which I am confident cannot possibly be captioned:

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Marcelo

    The King’s court gesture?

  • http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/ Anonymous

    I especially like the part where you’re trying to shoot a web at the camera, just like Spiderman.

  • MOZ

    constipated much?

  • Lisbeth

    What I love (besides your awesome gestures!) is that you can tell that’s a Lutheran church even without seeing the green altar cloth in picture #5. And I say that as a lifelong Lutheran myself. There’s just something about the pews, the ceilings, the altar rail, even the flooring. Oh, and the organ off to one side… :-D I’m so glad you posted these pictures. Hopefully, you’ll be posting more about your talk and how it all went.

    • StraightGrandmother

      Lisbeth, it is funny you should mention that because on long car rides I will often play a game with my husband whereby I will guess the denomination of a church based on the outside church building. Not to brag on myself or anything but I’m pretty good at it. And you are right Lutheran Churches just have a certain “look” to them inside and outside. The ceilings also, very Lutheran.

  • http://megaloi.blogspot.com Redlefty

    Dangit man don’t you know progressives are supposed to wear jeans?!?

    • Ace

      Uh, at least he didn’t wear a tie? (or shave?)

      That t0tally says “young & hip!” right?

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Rock on.

  • A’isha

    I particularly like the last one. You’re either sneezing or demonstrating how to strangle someone. Not sure which. :)

  • Mindy

    OK, so when are you going to come do a talk in the Midwest?

  • buzz

    Worst. Time Warp. Ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/anita1956 Anita Cadonau-Huseby

    These photos tell a story, beyond the one that tells how your face could benefit from an intimate encounter with a razor.

    1. I’m telling you, I know it’s hard to believe,
    2. But the fish was thhhhhhhhhhhhhhis big!
    3. Hey Chump! Are you doubting ME?!?
    4. Keep it up and I’ll choke your little weasel neck like last night’s dinner!

    • Don Whitt

      Great minds think alike. And so do we.

  • Don Whitt

    I believe a caption contest is in order. I’ll start just so the bar is set real low:

    Caption 1) ” Has anyone seen my meatball sandwich? It was shaped like this…”
    Caption 2) ” Maybe I left it on the bus?”
    Caption 3) ” The one I ate yesterday was much bigger and had these great roasted peppers…”
    Caption 4) ” Hey dude, you, in the front pew, what’s that you’re hiding under your sport coat? Is that my meatball sandwich?”
    Caption 5) ” I could just strangle whoever stole my meatball sandwich!!”

  • Anonymous

    Oh, no. NO!

    No. Stop it. Nobody participate in this. I see no possible way for this to come out even vaguely funny.

    Meatball sandwich.

    NOT FUNNY!

    • Don Whitt

      Wow, touchy. Fine. Just substitute “1:100 scale model of the Hindenburg” for “meatball sandwich”.

  • Anonymous

    Okay, I’m going to kill this contest by putting up a photo of me talking yesterday that DEFIES ANY CAPTION. I’ll go get it, and put it up. brb….

  • Anonymous

    Done.

    No caption possible!

    • Marcelo

      “Okay, tell you what, whomever took my sandwich…just pay the bill…please!”

    • http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/ Anonymous

      “And when my dentures are here, in my hand…my mouth looks like *this*.”

      • vj

        ok, now I’m literally crying with laughter… this one is just brilliant, I think Jamie wins :-)

    • Don Whitt

      “I could have sworn I wrote my notes on this hand…”

  • Jdaniel

    Nope. “And that is how you wind up with a big pile of, well you know.”

  • A’isha

    You’re so wrong! “On one hand, I can understand one’s desire to shave, but on the other hand, I see no reason I should personally have a relationship with a razor!”

  • Jdaniel

    Another for the last one: Who took my sandwich? Who took it? It was right HERE!

    • Don Whitt

      See! There are few things as funny as a meatball sandwich. Reuben sandwich – not that funny. Chopped chicken liver, getting closer. But meatball – that’s funny.

    • StraightGrandmother

      I liked yours, made me laugh.

  • A’isha

    Or…”See this, it’s just a hand to you, but it contains super-powers…like shooting spider webs, yeah, spider webs.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1554973255 Erika Beseda-Allen

    ya know, if you were my husband i would not have left the house with that fuzz on your face.

    • Anonymous

      If you were my wife, and you had it in your mind that you could order me to shave, I would, as soon as I learned you thought that, begin to feel very sorry for you.

      • Mindy

        FWIW, I don’t know why everyone is bashing your stubble. I like me some facial fuzz on my man, thanks . . . .

        • Anonymous

          I ALWAYS have the Don Johnson/”Miami Vice” stubble happening, because … nothing else makes sense. I let it grow out till it itches, and then take a hair-cutting electric razor thing, and saw it back to … a smaller stubble. Wait three weeks; repeat; eventually grow old and die. Sometimes I razor it, but … only when for some reason I’m in the mood to make my face bleed.

  • Sam

    …and you may ask yourself “well, how did I get here?”

    • Anonymous

      Funny: and odd, even, insofar as, during our drive home, this is the song I played twice over while my wife dozed in the passenger seat.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com/ Ric Booth

    love the unshaven look.

    last picture caption… “And this, right here, is my left hand.”

    • Anonymous

      I LOVE this one. Really funny.

  • Mark

    And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. But if your left hand sins, shoot it!

    • http://helly.tripod.com Helly

      Bahaha. This caption wins :-D

    • Anonymous

      This one cracked my wife and I up….

  • Kim

    “It says right here on the bottle, ‘TAKE WITH FOOD – AVOID ALL CONVERSATIONS INVOLVING POLITICS, SEX, AND RELIGION – DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL’. Can anyone give me a ride home and buy me a meatball sub on the way???

  • Marie

    photo #1) “Hi. My name is John. John Shore. And I’m a lover of the gays.”
    photo #2) “I admit… I don’t know how to dance with a broad shouldered man. But I imagine…”
    photo #3) “… it would go something like this.”
    photo #4) “Hey kid… yeah you… pull my finger, willya.”
    photo #5) “Hooo weee… didn’t realize I was downwind of m’self.”
    photo #6) “Are you suggesting I holster this weapon now?”

    • Anonymous

      Oh, you are clever, Ms. Marie.

      • Marie

        Thanks for letting us all have fun like this, John. You’re cool, brother.

  • Anonymous

    1) I am a famous author. Seriously famous. My fan base is growing beyond its current elliptical parameters…

    2) Yo, a$$hole in the back, you don’t think that’s impressive? Watch this…

    3) I can do the whole dance to Thriller…

    4) So photo dude, you think you got better moves? Dance-off. Right here. Right now.

    5) It’s completely manly…ugh…you’re such a homophobe I could wring your neck

    6) Am I pointing to the palm of my hand, or cleverly giving senor douche de photo el finger-o

    and thinking of my family motto?

    • Anonymous

      Funny girl!

  • http://heckledtrio.wordpress.com Helly

    Fancy a trip up to Santa Barbara anytime, John? I’m sure our church would love you :-D

    • Anonymous

      Santa Barbara! Um. Yes, please.

  • chellee

    The last photo shows you demonstrating the sign language sign for “WHAT?” My daughter is deaf. So it was wonderful that you included her in your variety show. Those were great photos of you playing charades. Well done. I couldn’t guess the others, but at least I got that last one. But, then, I’ve never been that good at charades. ;)

    • Anonymous

      I love it.

  • Sssterling

    Oh – maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but I would have come to Dana Point to hear you speak, John. Do you post where you’ll be ahead of time? Would love to have you come to our church up in Corona del Mar, but I don’t know if you and Chip have connected yet. Looks like you were a barrel of laughs – whether you meant to be or not!

    • Anonymous

      Hey, Ssterling. Yeah, I’d love to come speak in Corona del Mar; I have a friend in that area whom I’ve lately been visiting. Have pastor Chip give my stuff a look and/or contact me if he’s interested.

  • Anonymous

    One guy on my FB page suggested this as a caption for the last photo: “When I get the Stigmata…right HERE, you’ll all wish you had been nicer to me.” That’s a highly funny one, no?

  • Anonymous

    These ARE all mighty funny!

    I hate you all.

  • StraightGrandmother

    I think that we should outlaw ties for men. I’ve noticed that as soon as a man puts on a tie, his head gets 3 sizes bigger and he confers upon himself an opinion of infallibility. It is like the tie gives them a sense of power. The world would be a better place if we outlawed ties.

    Notice how women generally listen more and are generally more flexible then men and they don’t wear ties. There has got to be something to that.

  • Lorne W. Glennie

    My name is Lorne. When I got into AA at age 54 I was an atheist, very firmly. Early on at a meeting when I was sharing, I said, Why do you people talk about God when there isn’t one?
    After the meeting was over, a lady, whom I thought of as Mrs. AA and probably had 3,00 years
    of sobriety, said to me. When you go to bed tonight say thank you and when you get up in the
    morning say please. I asked her, What the hell for? She answered, For your sobriety, stupid!
    and get down on your knees when you do it, you could use a little humility. For some reason this stuck in my mind and I started, cursing and swearing while I did it.. This went on for 4 months when one night I felt hand an overpowering feeling someone was in my room. I got
    up and looked in the closet, empty! looked under the bed, nothing! Then fear entered me
    and I thought, Impossible!! Without burning bushes or thundering voices, the information
    was in my mead, This is what My love for you is like. Then the most, absolutely delectable
    feeling was in my head and started traveling slowly down my body, ending at my feet! Then it was all over. I thought, WoW!! How can He love me when I’m gay, haven’t been working my programme, haven’t helped an other alcoholic, have said such dreadful things about Him.
    Then I accepted Him and am not idiot enough to think I am the only gay person He loves,
    He loves us all!! I now talk to Him several times each day, and yes, on my knees. I don’t
    use Christian prayers, I simply talk to Him.
    For many months of going to meetings, I still wasn’t sure I was an alcoholic, but after this
    experience I went to my meeting and when they asked, Would the silent one like to share
    tonight (hopefully) Yes, my name is Lorne and I am an alcoholic. The minute I admitted this
    my urge to drink was lifted from me and I haven’t had a drink for 28 years now. I f I ever did
    it would be like slapping my God’s face. A few others things have happened in my sobriety,
    But He is now my best Friend. I have never entered any church, I am quite content the way
    I am. I don’t make it a habit of telling all this but something you said prompted me. Cheers


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