10 reasons why the Super Bowl is more fun than church

This Sunday I, along with bazillions of other Christians, will choose watching the Super Bowl over going to church. Why? Because compared to church the Super Bowl offers:

1. Way better food. Remember the last time that during a church service someone offered you guacamole and beer? Me neither.

2. Better seating. I once tried to stretch out comfortably on a church pew. My coccyx still hasn’t forgiven me.

3. Dependable periodic yuks. Church needs commercial breaks. But only if some of them are awesomely funny. Which none of them will be. So never mind.

4. A reason to deeply and desperately pray. I do pray in church, for sure. But usually not so hard my stomach muscles seize up and I sweat, moan and cry like a gnu in a trap.

5. Unendurable suspense. Church is a lot of things. One of them is not surprising.

6. Raucous cheering. In church there’s no leaping up and cheering so hard you instantly destroy your vocal cords. Sad.

7. Humans violently crashing into each other. Sure, sometimes at church someone will accidentally bump into someone else. But it’s not really the same.

8. The possibility of a shocking wardrobe malfunction. And that’s enough said about that.

9. Color commentary. You should get to wear headphones in church, so you can hear someone who’s up in the choir loft saying in your ear, “It looks like today Pastor Watson has chosen to go with one his casual, slightly rumpled untucked business shirts, and skinny jeans. That’s a daring and even controversial choice, given that it looks like somebody has been spending a little too much time at the donut table between services. The pastor is asking us all to turn to our Bibles. He’s been criticized in the past for not waiting to talk until everyone’s had a chance to to find the passage he’s already got marked and open. Let’s see if he’s learned that lesson for this Sunday.” I would totally listen to that.

10. A chance to win money off your friends. I’ve never once seen anybody after a church service jump up and holler to the guy next to him, “HA! Pay up, suckaaaa!” Why? It’s like we’re not even trying.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

    I read recently where a certain mega-church in a state in the american NW has come up with the perfect super bowl party, complete with its own pre-recorded half time show. Its this amazing blend of party food, pigskin and procselytizing, all within the comfort of your own home. http://theresurgence.com/2014/01/24/6-tips-for-throwing-a-super-bowl-party-to-engage-your-neighbors

    I’d much rather attend a party at your house John, although I suspect that my hubby and I will be dozing off by half time, already under covers as we both get up for work at dark thirty.

    • http://youtube.com/user/BowmanFarm Brian Bowman

      We’re more practical that way too at our house. We even celebrate New Years Eve on Zulu time; 7:00 p.m. local time is 2400Z. ;)

    • Al Cruise

      I wonder who wrote that. Thought I saw almost the same article from a mega Church in Texas last year. Can’t believe Mars Hill would plagiarize anything.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

        Other than books? Certainly not!!

  • http://www.fordswords.net/ Ford1968

    “…an gnu”. And THIS is just one of the reasons John Shore is so swell.

  • Ashlee

    Haha, love it! Especially #9, oh how interesting church would be if this were a reality!

  • http://jw-thoughts.blogspot.com/ John

    You need to attend Pentecostal/Charismatic churches for these attributes. You won’t have to experience it for 3 hours like the Super Bowl. Try week after week.

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

      If there is gambling, junk food, Doritos ads, and wardrobe malfunctions at the average Pentecostal/Charismatic service, things sure have changed since the last time I visited such a church. I think the color commentary has long been a part of local church life…its called the gossip corner.

      • http://jw-thoughts.blogspot.com/ John

        I think you took my comments a little bit over the edge.

        • Al Cruise

          Maybe she did on some of it, but the comment about the gossip corner is spot on.

  • Ben

    Was this supposed to be funny? Also, who skips church for something that starts at 3:30 or 6:30 (depending where you live)?

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

      Well, if you are having a get together for friends, you may need the morning to go shopping, or clean the house, and cook all those hot wings. Then there are evening services, that will nationally be very lightly attended come sSunday.

      • Guest

        This is the reason why Catholics have 4-5 masses before 1pm, plus we get wine with our meal! Booyah!

    • http://johnshore.com/ John Shore

      No. It was a totally serious article. I have no idea why anyone would think this post is funny.

      • Roly

        This is the reason why Catholics have 4-5 masses before 1pm, plus we get wine with our meal! Booyah!!

    • Jill

      No one could accuse you of subtlety.

  • BT

    Personally, as a resident of the denver area, I’m hoping everyone stays home to watch the Super Bowl so I can skip church and enjoy a ski day without the thousands of other skiers.

    In the Vail vs Football war, vail wins every time.

  • Joe

    There will be plenty of worship after the game when the players thank Jesus for helping them win. We won’t know whose team Jesus is on until the game is over though. If somebody could invent a Jesus that was on someone’s team before the game was over they could make millions.

  • Stan Theman

    Religion is so tedious.
    Also you don’t have to pay to watch the superbowl.

    And the players and refs and coaches don’t think they’re better than (most) of the fans or go around telling other people how to live.

  • Joe

    Jesus really loves the Seahawks. A lot.

  • Jan S Yoder

    Are we still so sure that the Super Bowl is better than church? Snore. Though for some reason I loved seeing Denver lose the second worst Super Bowl ever – worst ever they lost to the 49ers, 55-10.


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