Should You Take Your Child to the Cemetery?

When a loved one dies, should you take your small child to the funeral?

I know it’s Halloween and all, but this is a serious question–and it was given a very serious answer in the French Catholic newspaper La Croix.  Daniel Oppenheim, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst and the author of Dialogues With Children About Life and Death, offers advice to parents of young children.

I’m not sure there’s any one “right” answer–but I’ll share some of his insights.   If your experience in your own family has led you to make a different choice, please share your stories here!

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WHEN SHOULD YOU TAKE YOUR YOUNG CHILD TO THE CEMETERY?

Any time is the right time, according to Dr. Oppenheim.  Even young children and babies can accompany their parents to the cemetery.  In fact, he points out that a gravesite visit affords parents an opportunity to teach:

This moment of reflection on the grave of a loved one is an opportunity for parents to explain the purpose of a cemetery, a place where the person you loved and lies that we continue to love and where you can reconnect with her. We know that it is near, and not anywhere or nowhere.

This visit is also an opportunity to tell the child that death is not a radical disappearance, forever. The person is no longer physically present in everyday life, but she remains in the thoughts and affection. It is important to him talk about the deceased, his life and the relationship with parents, even if he has not known. This story registers the child in the family history and continuity. 

What I don’t see in Oppenheim’s explanation is an acknowledgement that the person is not gone forever, but will await a happy reunion with family and friends  in heaven.  Add that part, and this advice seems OK to me.

IS IT NECESSARY FOR THE CHILD TO ATTEND?

The next bit of advice seems especially important:  Oppenheim reminds that it is not necessary for the child to attend a wake or funeral service.  If he or she is anxious, fearful or agitated and interferes with the parents’ participation, it may be better for the child to be left in the care of a trusted person.

If it is likely that the parents or other adults will be very emotional, this could be frightening to the child.  An explanation in advance (“I’m very sad that my mother has died, but I still am here to take care of you and love you.”) will help to allay potential fears.

IF THE CHILD REFUSES TO GO

Do not, says Oppenheim, force a child to go to the cemetery.  But be careful not to make him or her feel guilty for not participating in the mourning process.