Jesus Is So Much Better Than Fabric Softener

Oh, not again.

It seems that Jesus has popped up again—this time in Great Britain, and this time revealing Himself in the laundry.

I really don’t like to criticize someone’s earnest faith experience; but the Laundry Softener Jesus or Chicago’s greasy Our Lady of the Underpass don’t really build faith, so much as they make a laughing stock of Christian belief.  Guys like the unbelievers over at Patheos’ atheist portal read stories like this, and they mistakenly paint all Christians with the same broad brush of absurdity and superstition.

The most recent incident involves Britain’s Martin Andrews, who claimed he was left “stunned” after the Son of God, arms outstretched, appeared when he spilled fabric softener on his t-shirt.  Andrews concedes that he had to turn the shirt upside down to see the ‘miracle’.  “When the t-shirt’s the right way up it doesn’t really look like anything,” Andrews said.  “But when you look at it the other way up, it’s really Him!”

Andrews photographed the image; but not content to only share the photo with his friends in the office, he posted it on-line.  The International Business Times picked up the story, and soon it was trending on social media websites.

The unfortunate story gives skeptics plenty of material to work with—which bothers me because I, a Catholic, find plenty of logical reasons to believe, and I fear that efforts at evangelization are hampered by news of such an imaginative but unlikely manifestation of God.

Pope Benedict XVI presented a series of talks in 2012 in which he explained that faith is inherently reasonable, and it leads to a joy-filled life. 

Speaking to an audience of thousands gathered in the Paul VI Hall for his General Audience on Wednesday, November 21, 2012, Pope Benedict explained,

“The Catholic faith is reasonable and also nurtures trust in human reason.  It’s crucial for people to open up to faith and know God and his plan of salvation in Jesus Christ.”

He went on to describe the fruitful link between understanding and believing, which is rooted in the harmonious relationship between science and faith.  Scientific research, he explained, leads to knowledge of the truth about man and the cosmos.

Pope Benedict spoke about two aspects of faith:  authentic knowledge of God, and love of God.  Regarding knowledge, he noted:

“Faith enables an authentic knowledge of God that involves the whole person:  it is a knowledge that gives a new taste to life, a joyful way of being in the world.  It’s expressed in the gift of self for others in fraternity that makes solidarity.”

And speaking of the fruit of this knowledge of God, Pope Benedict said:

“It allows us to know the whole of reality, beyond the narrow perspectives of individualism and subjectivism which disorientate consciences.

“God isn’t absurd, if anything He is a mystery.  The mystery isn’t irrational but an overabundance of a sense of meaning and truth.”

The profound yet accessible truth of God’s existence, expressed simply by Pope-emeritus Benedict, is at risk of being rejected, tossed out like the proverbial baby with the bathwater, when stories emerge in which Jesus purportedly reveals Himself in a greasy streak on a pane of glass, or a gnarly knob on a tree trunk, or in the burned image on a slice of whole wheat toast.

The real story is so much better than that.

God and Goldfish: Inspiration from Your Friends at Pepperidge Farm

The Internet’s been abuzz this week with news that Patti Burke, a cracker-lovin’ woman from Melbourne, Florida, has had a message from God.

During Holy Week, the earnest Christian woman opened a package of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish (she eats two to three pounds of them every week) and discovered that one of her crackers was misshapen—and that the oddly fashioned cracker featured a cross and a crown.

Sure that she had received a sign from God, Burke called the company, where an employee confirmed that they were not running a special promotion, and that it might indeed constitute a supernatural event.  “They said it sounds like something miraculous happened,” Burke reported.  She’s been carrying her holy little fish carefully cushioned in a hinged jewelry box.

Myself, I’m not one to buy into the “Jesus in my taco” meme, and I’m pretty sure this little fishie is the result of a random baking error.

I do, though, have one concern.  This is what I’ve learned about Goldfish crackers:

  • According to the box, one serving consists of 55 crackers.
  • A 2.1-lb. package of crackers contains 1,842 crackers—or roughly 33-1/2 servings.
  • Three pounds of Goldfish would, then, contain approximately 48 servings.
  • A single 55-fish serving contains 10%-11% of the recommended daily sodium content for an average adult.

With my limited math skills, then, I figure that in an average week Patti Burke consumes 480 times the recommended daily sodium intake each week in Goldfish crackers alone.  That doesn’t count any salt from the occasional handful of potato chips she might eat, or any salt she might sprinkle on her eggs in the morning.  At that rate, she might well have a massive coronary and meet her God a whole lot sooner.

Baptized in the Stanley Cup!

Three-year-old Alva Felicia Sundstrom may not realize it, but she holds a unique place in National Hockey League history.

Alva was baptized in the Stanley Cup.

If you are a big-time hockey fan, you know that hockey’s “Holy Grail” has been used and misused in countless ways: as a beer mug, a dog bowl, a flower pot, a serving dish for raw oysters and for Froot Loops, and to hold champagne.  Detroit Red Wings’ Kris Draper allowed his newborn daughter Kamryn to use it as an impromptu toilet bowl. No stranger to politics, the Stanley Cup was displayed for Canadian and NATO troops, survived unharmed during a rocket-fired grenade attack, and was carried in Chicago’s 2010 Gay Pride Parade.

And, of course, there was the baptism.

I learned about the baptism as an aside to another story this past week, when news broke that the Stanley Cup had been dropped and dented. The accident happened in St. John’s, Newfoundland, as the Cup was being readied for a helicopter flight to Bonavista, hometown of former Boston Bruin Michael Ryder. (Fans, rest easy—the Cup sustained no serious damage.)

Anyway, seven-week-old Alva Felicia Sundstrom, niece of Detroit Red Wings’ right winger Tomas Holmstrom, was baptized in “Lord Stanley” on July 25, 2008, in a private ceremony outside Holmstrom’s hometown of Pitea, in northern Sweden. Robert Sundstrom, who is Holmstrom’s cousin and Alva’s father, said that the two men had been sitting together in the kitchen of Holmstrom’s summer cabin when the idea came up. Arrangements were made; and the only outsiders permitted were the two American security guards who travel with the Cup.

*     *     *     *     *

As a curiosity-seeker reading the reports three years later, I was amazed—not by the Stanley Cup’s use in the sacrament of initiation, but by the reader responses. I know the commenters were hockey fans; but the overwhelming message was that the baptism was highly inappropriate and disrespectful. Not to the Sacrament of Baptism, mind you. No, a majority of sports fans seemed to feel that the baptism was disrespectful to the trophy.

One reader wrote: “I hope the league fines and severely reprimands Holmstrom for abusing the cup in this manner. This to me shows a total lack of respect for the trophy. He should be ashamed. I cannot believe that the cup custodians even allowed this to happen. I am outraged.”

Oh, really?

Somehow lost in the heated retorts was any discussion of the proportional honor due to hockey’s sacred trophy (as in, game) vs. the Church’s sacrament of initiation (as in, eternal salvation).

Perhaps the most vociferous of complainants had never heard about athletes peeing in the Cup, or dogs munching on their Kibble and Bits in its wide bowl. One would think that filling the Cup with holy water would (a) cleanse it and (b) sanctify it—making it even more deserving of public adulation.

It was not the repurposed Cup, but the Sacrament of Baptism that was slightly dented in this charade. With the Holy Grail filled to the brim with holy water, it’s hard to imagine that the baby’s parents and godparents were focused on Original Sin, and prayers, and introducing their newborn child to God. No, I’m thinking they were googly-eyed over their daughter’s expensive and highly acclaimed baptismal font.

Just a quick review:  The Catholic Church teaches that Baptism has six primary effects, which are all supernatural graces.

The Effects of the Sacrament of Baptism

  1. The removal of the guilt of both Original Sin (the sin imparted to all mankind by the Fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden) and personal sin (the sins that we have committed ourselves).
  2. The remission of all punishment that we owe because of sin, both temporal (in this world and in Purgatory) and eternal (the punishment that we would suffer in hell).
  3. The infusion of grace in the form of sanctifying grace (the life of God within us); the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit; and the three theological virtues.
  4. Becoming a part of Christ.
  5. Becoming a part of the Church, which is the Mystical Body of Christ on earth.
  6. Enabling participation in the sacraments, the priesthood of all believers, and the growth in grace.