Prayer for Just In Case a Satellite Lands on Your Head

Heads up!

Talk about being environmentally wasteful!  Here I am, using paper not plastic, recycling my cans and bottles, shunning cars with yellow paint because I hear it’s not good for the environment—and NASA has this rusty old 6½-ton space capsule that’s going to crash land on my head?!

That’s the news report, folks.  The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS), which was launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in 1993 to study climate conditions, is expected to fall to earth this week—probably on Friday, September 23.  By NASA’s admission, it’s the largest “uncontrolled re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere” in more than 30 years.

And here’s the kicker: NASA doesn’t know where it will land.  It could be anywhere between the latitudes 57 degrees north and 57 degrees south—an area that encompasses most of the inhabited world.

Given this (and given, I suppose, the population distribution in this wide-ranging portion of the globe), researchers estimate that there is a 1-in-3,200 chance that the satellite will actually land on a person when it makes its fiery descent through the atmosphere.

Of course, with the population of Earth estimated to be 6.96 billion, there is only the remotest of chances that you or someone you love will be the unlucky bloke to take it on the head from the bus-sized space debris.  One never knows, however—and so whether we’re going to die under a retired satellite or of natural causes, we should always be prepared to stand before our Heavenly Father.

This is why I’ve taken time to pen this Prayer for Just in Case a Satellite Lands on Your Head.  Because we’ve got to be ready.

Dear Jesus,
I didn’t know, when I woke today,
That this might be the last day of my time on Earth.

I didn’t know that satellites were so big,
Or that they fell so hard,
Or that they flamed up on entry into the Earth’s atmosphere.

I did know, though, that I love You,
And I want to be with You for all eternity.

So if today is my last day—
If I die under the UARS or under a falling tree limb,
If I experience a heart attack
Or doctors find an inoperable tumor,
Or if a drunk driver plows into my car at the intersection,
Or if my body is just too old and tired to go on–
Whatever way is in Your plan,
I know that I will be safe in Your loving arms.

Help me to be brave,
Help me to be strong,
And help me to turn my eyes heavenward—
Not toward a satellite, but toward You.

Dear God: Thank You For My Smokin’ Hot Husband

Well, I just wanted to get in on the fun!  My husband’s hot enough, but I’m not sure he’d want me announcing that fact to the world.

I’ve gotta say, though, that Pastor Joe Nelms of Family Baptist Church in Lebanon, Tennessee, was certainly not bashful when he offered the opening prayer on Saturday at the Tennessee NASCAR races.  

In addition to his hot, sexy wife, Pastor Nelms is thankful for the wonders of Dodges and Toyotas and Fords.   He offered to God his earnest thanks for “Sunoco Racing Fuel and Goodyear tires that bring performance and power to the track.” 

And he was thankful for “…my smokin’ hot wife tonight, Lisa, my two children, Eli and Emma, or as we like to call them, the Little E’s.”

The film footage shows the fans and the NASCAR crews first prayerful, then smirking, then finally bursting into laughter at the pastor’s honest if irreverent invocation. 

He raised some eyebrows, and some interesting questions about the nature of public prayer:  Should prayer be always serious?  Is it appropriate for prayer in the public square to be this idiosyncratic?  Or did Pastor Nelms cross the line from piety into absurdity? 

What do you think?

 

SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE IN FOUR HOURS OR LESS! (Don’t Try This At Home)

I’m still pondering an article I read this morning in The Onion, that irreverent newsmagazine which specializes in theatre of the absurd.  The headline reads:

Zip-Lining Day Trip to Somehow Save Marriage

 The featured fantasy couple were facing a plethora of tough marital challenges:

  • An “increasingly hopeless, angst-ridden relationship”
  • A deepening communications gap
  • The husband’s temptation to have an affair
  • The wife’s dissatisfaction with her dead-end job
  • Their indecision regarding whether or not to have children
  • Radically divergent views on religion
  • A virtual impasse regarding the wife’s parents, who should either enter a nursing home (as he thinks) or come to live with the couple (as she thinks)
  • Her self-consciousness, which negatively impacts their sexual relationship

 Some of you old married folks, facing this perfect storm of emotional, physical and financial crises, might be tempted to throw in the towel.  But not this couple!  No, no—thank goodness, they have a reservation to a New Hampshire “zip-lining center” where, for a few glorious hours, they will fly through the trees with gay abandon, communing with nature and restoring the love they once felt for one another.

Darn!  So that’s what it takes!

My poor husband and I have floundered for days and years taking an alarmingly different path!  We have prayed together, talked together, laughed together.  We have listened patiently, tolerated one another’s differences, kept quiet when we disagreed, forgiven one another’s foibles, encouraged one another’s strengths.  We have saved when we might have splurged; lived within our means; shared our disappointments and celebrated our successes.  We have loved the children God gave us, and have faced family and parenting issues with one consistent voice.

When we faced our own personal difficulties (oh, yes, we’ve had our share!), we held fast to the promises we had made before our families and before our God, and we looked forward to a better day. 

But never—I repeat, never!—did we remember to fortify our love with aerial acrobatics, with flights of fancy, with Zip-Line Zen!  Oh, the hours we wasted on old-fashioned techniques like trust, love, kindness, patience and forgiveness! 

Enough of this!  We begin our skydiving lessons next week.