Me, too: The Magick of Breaking the Silence

me tooThis past week I watched as Harvey Weinstein was exposed as a serial sexual predator. I watched as the national discourse turned to a discussion about sexualized crime. I watched as my friends announced on social media that they had been victims themselves. I took all this in through my own lens as a survivor. I thought about what I might possibly contribute to this discussion. I prayed to Hekate to guide me.

Making Magick out of Misery

Earlier today, I sat down to lunch with the only person besides my doctor who knows the details of my experience. I asked her thoughts on the merits of speaking out. She started by saying how sorry she was for telling me that I had to pursue criminal charges.. Her apology meant a lot to me. There was magick in that moment. There was an acknowledgement that my experiences are mine to do with as I see fit. No one has the right to tell anyone how to handle sexualized assault.

What is happening now with so many women declaring that they have been the victims of sexual harassment, assault and abuse is magick. We are creating a paradigm shift by speaking out. Our combined energy is necessary to create the change required. But, we must proceed with caution. I urge you to not judge a woman’s experience. If she, like me, doesn’t want to pursue legal action, don’t judge her. If she, like me, wants to keep it private, let her. If she, unlike me, wants to press charges and speak out, support her. If those of you who aren’t victims hold space for those of us who are, then you are creating magick. If those of you who are victims like me act in your own best interests, then you are creating magick. We make magick by honoring others. We are magick by being true to ourselves.

The kind of magick we make by being true and supportive is the most powerful magick there is – it’s capable of changing the whole world.

Me, too: The Magick in Telling My Story

I met him at a winter solstice event. I woke up at five a.m. without an alarm, feeling compelled to drive to the sunrise event about an hour-and-a-half from my place. As soon as I arrived, I felt drawn to him. Things only got more intense when we chatted afterwards. Afterwards, a couple of friends said they had met with him a couple of days before because he was looking for someone who could teach him witchcraft. He wanted a witch who was great at manifesting. Unbeknownst to me, my friends had recommended me to this stranger. Fate seemed intent on bringing us together.

On New Year’s Eve, I went for hike along the coast near my home to pay tribute to Hekate for getting me and my boys through the past twelve months and to set my intentions for the new calendar year. Over the holidays, the stranger – I’m going to call him The Doctor – had stayed on my mind although I hadn’t heard from him. I felt this intense compulsion towards him. Right after I returned home from my hike, my phone rang. It seems fated, doesn’t it? Like this should be a story about finding my true love? This is exactly the opposite.

The next two months of my life were complete hell. The Doctor portrayed himself as an eager student. I was reluctant to teach him anything, but I was so compelled by him. I was the one under a spell. Before I knew it, he was choking me and assaulting me after I taught him the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. Before I could fight him off, I was attacked with the very tools of magick – an athame and a wand – that I held so dear. Attacking my body wasn’t enough for him, he had to manipulate my emotions and thoughts to a point where I almost believed that I had imagined everything. I tried to stay away from him, blocking his calls and emails. He called from different numbers and made up new emails. He showed up at my home at all hours, letting himself in. After returning home after travelling for a family funeral, he showed up unannounced and attacked me again. Did I scream out? No. My kids were in their rooms. Did I call the cops? No. I didn’t want the attention.

He kept stalking me. He followed me to Starbucks and waited until I unlocked my car so he could jump in. Another time, he cornered me in a café. It was relentless. I felt like I was losing my mind. Then there was the final time, after which I did contact the police. I didn’t want to get into the details of the assault because I knew I would be judged. Why didn’t I call after the first time? How could I explain the manipulation? Based on his stalking, the police ordered him to keep away from me. Knowing that his career was in jeopardy, he ceased his predation. I had danced with the devil and survived.

Once I was free of The Doctor, I started to question everything about myself, witchcraft and even my devotion to Hekate. How could I have allowed myself to be victimized like that? Why had I felt so entranced by him? What sort of sorcery did he have that gave him control over me? Why would Hekate let me go through such a thing?

The Magick of Recovery

The next few months were the worst of my life. Nothing I held true seemed right anymore. Slowly, I began to understand the nature of a predator like The Doctor. It was not my fault. It was not Hekate’s fault. It was Her grace and my personal strength that helped me to break free before anything worse had happened. It was witchcraft that saved me as I rebuilt myself.

With Hekate’s guidance and my own will, I kept at the long process of healing. I prayed. I did rituals. I am better now than before the whole thing. I’m sure his intention was to break me, but it’s had the opposite effect. That was the unexpected magick.

Hail Hekate,
Unconquerable Queen,
She who gives me strength,
And makes me whole.

Hail Hekate,
Guardian of those in pain,
I pray for those suffering,
May you soothe their minds,

And bring them peace.

Hail Hekate,
Accept my humble gratitude,
And my continued devotion.

PS – the pic was taken on my New Year’s Eve hike. It seemed appropriate to claim back the memory and turn it into healing magick.

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