United Evangelical University (UEU) announced today it would be teaching the controversy regarding the existence of horns on the heads of Jews. UEU’s Faith-Based Biology Department vowed to examine with no bias whatsoever all the theories regarding Jewish anatomy and that competing views will be given equal time in the classroom.
“What I’m concerned about is whether we are going to find something like the horns that Impala have which are bones covered over in layers of keratin or maybe they are Rhinocerotidae and lacking an inner bony core,” stated UEU’s Andrew S. Canard, Ph.D. “Who knows? Eventually, we may find out that Jews don’t have real horns at all, but that the protuberances are just dead bone, just like the antlers that deer possess.”
The scientific establishment is crying foul at UEU’s new policy. A new study shows that 99 percent of the scientific community agree that Jews, in fact, do not have horns on their heads or anywhere else on their bodies for that matter. There have been no well-documented cases of any person of Jewish origin ever having horns. In a related question, over 99 percent of the scientists vehemently deny the assertion that Jews have a third nipple that is used to nourish their demonic familiars.
The UEU team contend that there has been solid documentation of Jews having horns. They cite one reliable source, the Bible.
And when Moses came down from Mt Sinai, he held the two tablets of the testimony, and he knew not that his face was horned from the conversation with the Lord. – Exodus 34:29
Other sources cited by the faith-based team are hearsay and spectral evidence. “Let’s face it, the scientific establishment has been wrong on a lot of things in the past,” stated Professor Andrew Canard. “How long did it take them to figure out that the Sun is at the center of the Solar System?”
With the advent of UEU teaching all the theories regarding Jewish horns, President Donald J. Trump weighed in on the topic.
I’ve known a lot of Jews in my time. No horns. But watch your wallets, folks. – President Trump
Jewish leaders are in a quandary on what to do regarding the myth that they have horns. Some wish to point out that the original text had the word shone which those silly gentiles mistranslated into horn. Other leaders caution that by confronting the idiocy, one gives legitimacy to the idiocy. More radical voices say that Jews should offer their hair for charity and have their heads shaved in order to show the world that they have nothing to hide. There is conjecture, however, that the UEU scientists may theorize that the chosen people may be able to retract the horns into their skulls.
“The simple way to come to the truth on this controversial topic is for Jews to prove that they do not have horns. Once that happens we can get back to figuring out the cellular mechanism that allows a soul to enter a newly fertilized egg,” stated Professor Canard.
*I was at a party the other day and somehow the conversation drifted to the myth that Jews have horns. I had to reassure my friends I wasn’t pranking them. A few years ago an artist in the Boston area who is a little bit older than me related a story about the time she was an undergraduate student in the South. Her dormmate asked her to see the horns.
I put a link in the Poe to Ask a Rabbi where the topic is addressed. Here’s the content to that Q&A.
Question: What is the story behind the rumor about why Jews have horns? How did that get started?
Answer: To my knowledge, it began with a mistranslation of Exodus 34:29—“…and Moses didn’t know that his face shone when He [God] spoke with him.?? The Hebrew word for the verb “shone?? is “karan?? and is phonetically close to the word “keren,?? which can mean horn.
The error was compounded by the Italian artist, Michelangelo, in his sculpture of Moses, which portrays our leader with two horns.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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