Washington DC – The War on Christmas is coming, and President Trump is getting ready to bring the hammer down on anyone who says Happy Holidays. Another target is sure to be coffee cups that aren’t emblazoned with the reason for the season, little baby Jesus. However, Trump’s staff and supporters are wrestling with the fact that their boss has little to no understanding of Christianity. Seeking to avoid insulting the President’s political base, close associates are secretly teaching their boss all about the birth of Jesus.
It’s so much a secret President Trump doesn’t even know it’s happening.
Staffer Andrew Canard explains:
We all know President Trump has the biggest hands of any previous or future president. He also would beat the Pope in Christmas Jeopardy if there were such a thing. We staffers understand. There’s no way the commander-in-chief would tolerate us educating him on something he already believes himself to be an expert in. That’s why we’re weaving basic facts about Christianity in everyday situations.
The plan is to start small and have measurable goals. When the staff sees that President Trump has mastered a specific piece of knowledge about Christmas, they will move on to another topic.
Some educational strategies to be utilized include:
- Morty, the intern, will be wearing a different baby Jesus t-shirt every day from now until the holiday. Although the picture on the shirt will differ, the message is going to be the same THIS IS JESUS. HE WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
- During President Trump’s daily bath in 100 dollar bills, his attendants will speak about gifts they are giving others. The goal is to shatter Trump’s idea that Christmas is all about people giving only him gifts.
- Under no circumstances should Trump tweet God went up to Mary and grabbed her by the pussy. She let Him do it because God was a bigly celebrity back then. To prevent this from happening new software was secretly added to his phone. All tweets now get checked by responsible adults before being released to the Twittersphere.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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