The Old Testament prophet Abraham appeared today at a rally for Roy Moore and gave his unfettered support for the candidate.
The Roy Moore for Senate Meat Raffle was being held at the Chik-fil-A Sky Dome in the city of Mobile. Even if the patriarch wasn’t at the meaty rally the event was destined to be historical. It was to be the largest meat raffle in history and definitely the biggest one ever to support a pedophile for public office.
Mr. Abraham’s arrival at the event came as a surprise to all. The patriarch who led his family from the city of Ur to the land of Canaan at the bequest of God has been dead for centuries.
The patriarch first appeared at the rally floating down from the heavens bathed in celestial light. If there was any question to the legitimacy of his claim being Abraham, it was quickly quashed. For Mr. Abraham had a slice of toast that had an uncanny likeness of Jesus burnt in it.
“He looked good for a guy his age,” expressed one anonymous Moore supporter. “You’d think, well, he’d be more like a walker from The Walking Dead. Not so. He was quite lively.”
After showing off his credentials, he quickly reassured Christians that Roy Moore was a Christian and a man of God. The allegations against the candidate should be of no concern to real believers.
“I had a child with my half-sister/wife’s slave. Then I kicked the kid out along with his mom into the wilderness after my wife bore my son, Isaac. What do you think the fake news would’ve done with that holy story?” he asked the crowd.
Everyone present thought CNN would run that story 24 hours a day 7 days a week because the cable news channel hates God and wants to force Christians to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.
Mr. Abraham went on to say he doubted if any news source besides FOX News and The Daily Stormer would allow him to explain why he was ready to kill his son for the glory of God.
He finished his speech with a quick card trick and then ascended back into the heavens.
Believers were astonished and amazed. Secularists had their worst fears confirmed.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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