Hardin, Kentucky – Reverend Jubal Early of Stone Boat Baptist Church orchestrated a mass shearing of believers in the tri-county area last week. Approximately 321 adults had all of their body hair removed via electric razors in a party-like atmosphere which included the singing of hymns, testimonials, and Mrs. Parker Whittle’s jello mold.
Reverend Early declared Bible-believing Christians within Lee, Hazard, and Carrie Underwood counties to be his flock and that flock needed to understand what it means to give yourself up to the shepherd totally.
”I’ve seen a lot of non-Christian activity going on over the last few weeks,” Reverend Early explained. “Millie’s Diner stopped having two-for-one omelet Thursdays. If that isn’t a sign of the end times, I don’t know what is.”
Millie was unavailable to comment on the ongoing omelet crisis.
Three hundred and twenty-one adults is a lot for one man to shave. Taking that into consideration Mrs. Reverend Jubal Early lent a helping hand. Even with the extra help, the event took the entire day.
The husband and wife team divided up the flock. He took the men. She took the women. Of course in any population, there are typically more women than men, so the right Reverend had to shoulder the burden of shaving all the body hair off of a select number of women. “I say the 18 to 20 -year-olds who were 8s and above on the attractability scale are my numbers,” reflected Early.
The Cost And The Controversy
Each and every believer who submitted to the divinely inspired shearing contributed a low low price of $99.99. The money is meant to cover the costs of the event. Whatever was left over went to the Reverend Jubal Early’s Addition To His House Charity.
By the end of the day, it was clear the two shearers were not going to be sheared themselves. While they spent the day shaving the back, head, and nether regions of others they themselves were going to be left untouched.
This created quite a stir despite the delicious offerings of Mrs. Parker Whittle’s jello mold.
Reverend Early answered the concerns directly:
As you are the sheep of the flock I shepherd, I am part of the flock that has Jesus as a shepherd. The moment he returns I am handing him these shears, and he’s going to free me from my mortal hair.
Considering the success of the recent de-hairing there may just be another one next year.
The man of God waxed philosophically, “By that time the addition to my house will be done. But I always wanted an inground pool. Jesus will have to provide.”
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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