New Study: Atheists Block God’s Blessings

 

A new study from the Theological Institue of Technology (TIT) reveals having an atheist friend, relative, or coworker will block God’s blessings.

Professor Andrew Canard led the TIT research team. Scientists observed 208 Evangelicals over the course of a year. Researchers explored every part of the subjects’ personal and professional lives to determine the extent the Christians are exposed to atheists.

Professor Canard defined a blessing as any incident worthy of going on Twitter and humblebragging about it using #blessed. Examples include but are not limited to:

  • Look at me. My butt is #blessed.
  • I was born into wealth and privilege. #blessed
  • I’m so #blessed my #blessings are #blessed.

Blessings generally fall into several broad categories. Researchers identified financial blessings, spiritual blessings, Thank God I’m not that person blessings, and My toxic narcissism loves this hashtag blessings.

It took a month for scientists to discern the average amount of blessings each subject received. Unbeknownst to the subjects, atheists infiltrated their personal and professional lives. After a month these godless heretics were removed.

The findings are clear:

  1. One atheist coworker who refuses to join the team building prayer circle at work blocks 88% of God’s financial blessings.
  2. Having someone at Starbucks say “Gesundheit” instead of “God bless you” when you sneeze limits God’s healthcare blessings by 109%.
  3. Evangelicals who merely read the name Richard Dawkins will have their spiritual blessings decreased by 200 Philistinian foreskins.

“Atheists pose a clear and present danger to Christians,” Professor Canard stated. “I don’t know about you, but I’m sending thoughts and prayers.”

 


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