Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly rant What Would Jesus Do Wednesday. Of course it isn’t Wednesday, but that’s not stopping me from posting this great piece!
The National Embryo Donation Center
Man, that title just screams authentic doesn’t it?
Responsible. Professional. Federal.
Well, that’s what an institute with such a title sounds like, doesn’t it? A governmental agency. “The National…” Such a title gives the organization a respectable feel. Which is perfect when you’re doing a bit of a bait and switch.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though. The NEDC is an embryo donation center. They work with two types of people: infertile couples looking to start a family, and people who have already got a complete family under their roof looking to help others in need.
Sounds great, doesn’t it?
Just look at the NEDC website, and you’ll read about in both the pain and overwhelming cost of in vitro fertilization. That’s why the NEDC was formed: to do the Lord’s work and help people in need of going forth and multiplying.
Which is all well and good until you realize the words in that last sentence were chosen very carefully, “Lord’s work” specifically.
When it comes to creating babies, the NEDC is first and foremost a Christian organization. Which doesn’t inherently have to be an evil or bad thing, it only becomes so when your agenda is shitty in nature, and your business is in being assholes.
Take a look at the requirements needed in order to receive embryos from the NEDC, taken directly from their website:
- Wife must be 45 years old or younger.
It is scientifically proven that the older a woman gets, the greater the risk both she and a baby face during pregnancy and afterward. Rates of autism and other forms of disease rise with the mother’s age, and in most cases being pregnant well-under 40 is actually ideal. Fair enough, moving on.
- Wife’s body mass index (BMI) must be below 40 at the time of the frozen embryo transfer.
In an age where everyone seems to scream about how awful “fat shaming” is, this seems like an interesting battle cry… but again, heavier women face greater challenges during pregnancy than fit women, so once again we’re dealing with scientific fact. Well played, NEDC. Well played indeed.
- The combined age of applicant couple must not exceed 100 years.
A bit odd, but then again, I personally wince when I read about celebrity dads becoming a father at age 70. It seems selfish; “Hi kid, nice to meet you. Time for me to die and for you to grow up not knowing me.” Anyway, this “combined age” nonsense could leave you with a multi-millionaire 80-year-old dad with a 19-year-old trophy wife, but that’s unlikely.
- The adopting mother must be healthy and able to carry a child to term. Surrogates are not an option for carrying the pregnancy.
- The wife must not smoke during the application process, embryo transfer preparation and procedure process, or during pregnancy.
In fact, most of the requirements are actually great and important.The problem is, I actually skipped to the number two bullet point when listing what’s important to the NEDC. What’s their number one requirement?
- Couples must be a man and a woman married for a minimum of 3 years.
Well, I can see them wanting people to be married… but a man and a woman? Why have such a specific caveat as the most important part of the process?
Oh, right! That note up top: The NEDC is a Christian organization.
That means the number one priority must be “No Homo.” The welfare of the child isn’t the most important thing to the NEDC, it’s making sure the child is raised by a man and a woman. Because a heterosexual couple is absolutely the only way to raise a child, right? Well, it has to be the best way to raise a child.
Not so fast, sparky.
The uneducated and bigoted might decry same-sex parents, but according to a study published by the ACLU (those heathens), LGBTQ parents can provide safe, loving homes to children in need.
Hell, that being the case, we should literally be giving all kids to gay couples. But even knowing that fact, the NEDC still champions its belief in one passage in a book written several thousand years ago by a people who didn’t know where the sun went at night.
And that takes courage.
Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad.
You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter.