Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly rant What Would Jesus Do Wednesday.
I’ve noticed that much (all?) of WWJDW has been centered around white people. Or, if we’re being politically correct, “Honkey-Americans.”
Well, no more.
Today, we praise one of Jesus’ most loving sons: Ben Carson.
First off, let’s take a quick look back at the history of African-Americans and Christianity. We’re talking about a people who were living a life in their own country, on their own continent, and then enslaved and brought to America.
Once here, they were told that The Bible gave Honkey-Americans the right to enslave Africans (black folk) because of The Curse of Ham.
(Oh, Bible… you’ve justified homophobia, sexism, xenophobia, and slavery. Is there anything you can’t justify?)
Anyway, because they were the children of Ham, the only way to save black people was to make them followers of Christ. But not to release them from slavery. Oh, God no. That free labor does amazing things for the economy.
Well, here we are all these years later, and many African-Americans call themselves Christians. They follow the religion that was (a) used to justify slavery, and (b) thrust upon them to “save” them.
And Ben Carson is an exceptional Christian.
Ben is a man rooted in medicine; a brain surgeon.
Now, most doctors discover that, after years and years of studying biology, science, and the human body, critical thinking kicks in and they leave religion to the wayside of their life.
Not so with Ben.
He brought God with him all the way to the operating table.
Scientific fact? Pfft, that’s all nonsense. Like evolution. Why believe in evolution, when you can believe God just created everything?
Once Ben realized he had dominion over life, just like God? He decided that helping people one at a time wasn’t good enough. No, Ben wanted power over multitudes of people.
So he ran for president.
Was he running on an economic platform? Lol, how would that help people? Money doesn’t help people, God does.
God, and amazing statements. Statements like “The Great Pyramids were used for grain storage,” and “Abortion is the number one killer of black people.”
Normally, statements like that would make people roll their eyes and look to another candidate, but in 2016 America was having a crazy-off. Basically, the right was looking to see who could make the most ignorant, least-factual statements. While the two listed above were whoppers, and did cause less-than-critical thinkers to support him, Ben was fighting with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.That’s a rumble in which there are no real winners, just losers if one of them were to get elected.
(Which, of course, happened, and look where we are now.)
But not to worry: even though Ben didn’t win the White House, he got a participation trophy. Ben was appointed the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
Which makes sense. Not because Ben has any experience overseeing such a task, but because Ben follows Christ. And what did Christ say about the meek? “Decimate the services created to help them keep afloat, for they are weak.”
(I think that’s the quote, I could be wrong.)
Either way, if you’re in need? Screw you: your services get cut.
But if you’re used to a certain way of life? Well then, you deserve the best! The best, like a $31,000 dining room set. A piece of furniture that costs more than many of the people Ben is supposed to be helping make in a year.
Of course, when it was discovered Ben spent so lavishly, he did what anyone would do: denied it. First he lied, then he blamed his wife for spending the taxpayer dollars, and finally, when all refuge in subterfuge was no more, Ben finally admitted it was all his fault.
Yes, just like Jesus in Gethsemane, Ben owned up to his actions.
But only after numerous failed attempts to shift the blame.
It’s sad, in a way, America didn’t see fit to make him President.
C’est la vie.
Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad
You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter.