Pumpkin Spice Riots Erupt In Boston

Pumpkin Spice Riots Erupt In Boston August 21, 2018

It’s late August in Boston. Typically, August is a quiet time for this city. College student haven’t returned from summer break. Locals are vacationing on Cape Cod or the Berkshires. The calm was shattered when the temperature went down to 68 degrees. Many said it felt like autumn. All hell broke loose when Bostonians went to their local coffee shops.

Why?

Pumpkin spice could not be found.

Thousands of Bostonians were initially shocked when they realized there was no pumkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice muffins, or pumpkin spiced pumpkin spice to be had. That shock quickly escalated to rage. Pure burning rage.

The staff at the 1369 Coffee House on Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge were the first to call the police. “The crowd got very unruly very quickly,” stated barista Andrea Canard. “They quickly formed an anarcho-syndicalist commune, and voted on ways to protest the lack of pumpkin spice.”

The mob decided to hire people on Task Rabbit to do a sit-in. While the pumpkin spice fueled mob went to work at their IT jobs, the Task Rabbits sat in the Coffee Shop and sang protest songs. Popular tunes included Give Pumpkin Spice a Chance and Keep Your Eyes On The Spice.

Boston is just over the Charles River from Cambridge. The protests there were different. Violently different.

”What the ****! Where’s the ******* spice! I gotta go to work, here!” exclaimed one irate Dunkin Donuts customer as he smashed a chair into the Boston Cream Donuts.

Such scenes played out all around Boston.

One local man remarked people weren’t this upset when the Boston Globe revealed Catholic priests were molesting Boston children over the course of decades.

He was punched in the gut and force fed an apple fritter.

He hates apple fritters.

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh called for calm and promised the citizenry the city’s emergency supply of pumpkin spice would be available ASAP. State police rushed the spice to coffee shops and bakeries to avoid more violence.

Boston is once again calm.


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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