Washington DC – Citing bicycle lanes as a threat to national security, President Trump signed an executive order to destroy each and every one in the United States of America. “Everyone knows bicycles are destroying America’s oil industry,” Trump said as he signed the Bicycle Lanes Are Killing America (BLAKA) executive order. “With this pen we’re taking the wheels off the crazy idea of bikes in our cities. Losers.”
Enforcing The Order
At first no one took BLAKA seriously. After all, cities and states regulate their own roads. However, President Trump is tying federal highway funds to the executive order. Those states who aren’t in full compliance with the most recent psychotic episode of POTUS will see all of their federal highway funds frozen.
States receive federal money for transportation via the Highway Trust Fund. The Highway Trust Fund not only assists states with roadways but with other forms of mass transportation. The site taxpolicy.org points out:
The federal government accounts for about one-quarter of all public spending on roads and highways, with the remaining three-quarters financed by state and local governments.
”If we can’t get federal money, then we’re in big trouble,” stated Governor Andrew Canard of Connecticut. “If it’s either fixing Route 95 or the bicycle lane, well, it’s a no brainer.
The Night Of 1,000 Steam Shovels
Many municipalities immediately acted in order to stay in compliance with the federal mandate. In order to avoid unnecessary resistance from irate bicyclists, many demoliton projects started at nighttime. Many bike lanes only had to be repainted. Other lanes had physical barriers separating bicyclists from the constant stream of death-mobiles operated by distracted drivers texting and had to be destroyed utterly. “I don’t know why President Trump wants us to salt the earth after destroying the bike lanes,” an anonymous worker said. “But he’s making America great again. God bless America!”
Citizens NOT AstonishedNo one was really surprised President Trump ordered the destruction of bicycle lanes. A recent poll of likely voters reveals 78% believe the Trump will soon be stealing candy from babies.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.