CTNAHM: How Michael Turns Debi On

A Guest Post by Aletha

Originally Posted on Yllom Mormon

Created To Need A Help Meet, pp. 55—57

Alrighty!  We are finally at the section we have all been waiting for.  I hope you guys are ready for this.

I Need My Wife to Meet My Erotic Desires

I am not a sex therapist and don’t want to be. So I’m not going to say all that needs to be said, not here and not in response to any letters you write.  But we are going to view the subject through a window of light and hope.  Read the scriptures below very carefully.

Interesting. Michael claims that he’s not a sex therapist, yet he wrote a book about sex.  It’s called “Holy Sex—The Song of Songs”.  And later on in the book, Michael talks more about sex.  Then again, I guess sex therapists concentrate more on helping people overcome sexual dysfunctions, rather than bragging about their sex life.  So perhaps it’s a good thing that Michael isn’t one.

Hebrews 13:4—Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whormongers and adulterers God will judge.

Proverbs 5:19—Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

Song of Solomon 2:4-6—He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.  Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.  His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5—Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Interesting how all of these talk about what the woman can do for the man.  There is some reciprocity, but mostly just “women are for a-sexing”.  Also, I would like to point out how the last verse- often touted by Christians to “prove” that the wife’s body isn’t her own-says that the man’s body isn’t his own, either.  For all the maintaining that men deserve sex-on-demand, there’s not much about men waiting for a time that works for their wife.  I think that if each spouse’s body belongs to the other, then having a time when both are “in the mood”, would work a lot better than guilt or forced coercion.

Associations

Through the years, in the process of hearing testimonies and counseling with many families, it has become clear that the reason most wives are frigid in sex is because of the guilt and shame they brought into the marriage.  Our first experiences of anything stupendous, and especially sex, create and association that remains with us the rest of our lives.  When the first sexual experiences occur in a context of shame and guilt, thereafter sex is associated with shame.  The sensitive nature of women leaves them more subject to the restrains of guilt.  If you, Sir, had sex with your wife before you were married, her present coldness is probably related to the residue of guilt.

So Michael’s not a sex therapist, but he’s fine with dispensing sex advice.  I suppose having the mandate of God to preach gives you carte blanche to tap into mystical knowledge.  Though he makes a good point when he says that frigidity in sex can be caused by guilt and shame.  It can also be caused by physical pain, psychological issues, or just plain not liking being treated like a piece of meat.  There are tons of other reasons, other than guilt and shame, that cause frigidity.  Also, it’s perfectly normal for men to be “frigid”.  Just because someone has a penis does not mean he walks around 100% horny all the time.

I think it’s interesting how Michael completely ignores the woman’s first time.  While sex is stupendous for men the first time, for women, it is often painful or awkward.  Especially when the woman has grown up in a culture that teaches “SEX IS BAD…until marriage, then it’s awesomely amazing.”  It’s very difficult to flip the switch from “Sex is bad” to “Sex is wonderful”.  Often, in these cultures, even sanctified, marriage sex can cause guilt or shame.  Not to mention, when coupled with the “women’s bodies aren’t their own” mentality, the woman is expected to put out whenever the man wants.  Which might not be when the woman wants, but she is cultured into thinking she has to.  That can lead to resentment, and, if the woman’s mind is not into it, lack of lubrication can cause physical pain. And there is such a thing as marital rape; it is a very real problem and needs to be addressed.  Perhaps in another post.

Finally, if a couple has pre-marital sex, the wife has to bear the burden of the guilt.  Because, apparently, she is so sensitive.  But what about the guilt the man should have?  Didn’t he grow up in the same purity culture?  Oh wait.  Boys will be boys…silly me.

Speaking of sneaking around to have sex, Solomon mused, “Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant (Proverbs 9:17)”.  A woman may be hot before marriage, eating stolen bread in secret and finding it quite stimulating, but once sexual desires are satiated in marriage, the guilt and shame that was shouted down by youth and passion begins to assert itself.  Eroticism is overridden by shame and the wife does what she should have done before marriage; she freezes up sexually and crosses her arms in front of her body, shutting out the source of her guilt.

Interesting.  I’m still waiting for the part where the man has to share the guilt for being sexually active before marriage.  But it doesn’t look like it.  Clearly, the woman deserves the guilt and shame because she wanted sex.  Is that what everyone else is getting from this paragraph?  “She was hot…eroticism is overridden by shame…the wife should have [...] freezes up sexually.”  So if I’m reading this correctly, a woman wants sex, then eventually realizes how wrong it is outside of marriage, then does what she should have done at the beginning, and keeps her knees together.

Years ago, I heard from a man that his wife couldn’t get sexually aroused unless he took her parking.  That was a term used for driving to some out-of-the-way-place and “necking, smooching” or having sex.  Her experiences before marriage had defined the terms of arousal and she couldn’t shake them.

I don’t really see what’s wrong with doing things the way your partner likes. That’s called marriage.  Or compromise.  Take your pick.  I’m irritated with how he assumes her experiences before marriage mean “defines the terms” of the arousal.  First off, I’ve read lots of stories of sexual abuse victims, and many of them can only experience sexual arousal in situations that remind them of the abuse.  It sounds twisted, but it’s fairly common.  Second, how does Michael know about the woman’s experiences before marriage?  Finally, how is a woman’s (or person’s) sexual needs dictating the terms of arousal, a problem?  Are things supposed to be only the man’s way?  Where does it say that in the Bible?

Most recently, a woman wrote and said that she met her husband online and they communicated through the digital media, finally meeting in person and eventually getting married.  After several weeks of glorious sex, they cooled down, he especially.  But they made a discovery one day when they were texting between home and work.  Now he goes into one room and she in another and they text back and forth until they both get aroused. I am laughing again.  I don’t think I can stop.  The world gets crazier every day!

So people sext, Michael.  It’s called the digital age for a reason.  I would think it’s a good thing that this couple knows what works for them and both parties are OK with doing it.  Frankly, it’s nothing to laugh out.  And I certainly don’t like the judgmental tone.  It seems to me Michael is saying “That’s not the way I do it!  It must be absurd. Chuckle chuckle.”

I get my wife aroused by walking in the room and uttering a couple grunts.  She gets me aroused by…well I don’t know; I’ve been perpetually aroused for the past 40 years and one week.  We have been married 40 years today as I write this.  The additional week occurred just before marriage.

Wow. Just wow. I’d really be impressed if grunting is all it took to turn on anyone.  Apparently it works like magic for Michael.  He walks in “Urg…Grog…Grmm” and Debi swoons.  I guess foreplay isn’t really an issue since Michael’s manly grunts is all that’s necessary to get things started.  I think it’s odd that Michael doesn’t know what it is about his wife that turns him on.  Most people have kind of a list.  It sounds a bit like just the idea of accessible sex is what matters to Michael, not the wife.  Also, I think it’s interesting that he only mentions being aroused for as long as he’s been engaged/married, yet in the introduction, he describes in loving detail beautiful girls that he loved in the past.  Oh, and btw, Michael, permanent arousal is not a good thing.  Viagra bottles specify that an erection more than 4 hours is a medical condition.  40 years seems just…painful.

When Deb and I were married we were both virgins and the only association either of us have with sex is the memories we have made together.  I thank God for that.  But I know some of you are not so blessed.  Yet there is a way to undo the screwy associations that suffocate your sex life.

I’m not a huge proponent of the virgins-at-marriage thing.  Well, more particularly, I’m not a fan of no sexual experience before signing up to only have one partner.  You’ve got to know what works for you, what turns you on, and what you don’t like.  Yes, a good partner will help you explore those preferences, but there’s no guarantees you’ll get a good partner.  I’ve known a lot of Mormon girls who get married, perfectly pure and virtuous, and after marriage, not enjoy sex (even though they were promised it would be fantastic).  Turns out, these women, and their husbands, didn’t know that women were different, arousally.  So the man thought that he would enjoy sex the way he did, because he did.  And the woman thought there was somethign wrong with her because she didn’t.  I’ve known 70 year old women that have never had an orgasm.  All because they don’t know how they work.

Moral of this story: male/female/trans/whatever—know what turns you on. Know what makes you uncomfortable.  Know what you don’t like.  If you don’t have a partner willing to help you with that, then take some time for yourself and figure it out.

So Michael is basically saying in this section that premarital sex is bad, because the poor, sensitive woman will latch on to that guilt/shame and not give the deserving man his nookie.  Apparently guys can have pre-marital sex guilt free.  I love me some marriage equality!

About Libby Anne

Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the "purity culture," the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.


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