Church Blamed for AIDS in Africa

“The problem is not an out-of-control sexual appetite that doesn’t care who dies so long as it can be satiated. The problem is the Church attempting to restrain that appetite and not allowing us the right to conscience-assuagement in the form of a condom. Next thing you know, they will be condemning Russian Roulette, even when the teenagers playing have only three bullets in the revolver. I mean, your chances are much higher than if there were six bullets!” said Morticia Addams, spokescreature for Planned Barrenhood. “Choice must be paramount!”

The Church was also blamed for limiting other ways in which humans can oppose life and indulge their life-denying appetites recklessly. Condemnation of Dresden and Nagasaki bombings labeled “unpatriotic” and “suppression of natural urge”. Baptism of Hans Frank, Gauleiter of Poland, criticized as “soft on Nazism”. Worldcom and Enron spokesman critique Jesus’ condemnations of Mammon as “typical hellfire fundamentalism”. “The Church is out of step” agreed conservative and liberal supporters of Planned Barrenhood.

UNFPA vowed they would continue to urge upon all Africans the right to as much sex as possible without thought of consequences and condemned any attempts to find solutions other than shallow band-aid ones as “fear-based sexuality”.

“What’s to be afraid of?” said Addams.