arguing against some advocate of women’s ordination. Seems to have held his own, from what I heard.
A puckish reader, moved by some of Bob’s less mainstream opinions, wrote this bit of hilarity
The interview that might have been …
Ms. Feminist: The Catholic Church’s views on women in the priesthood are positively medieval. They’re the social equivalent of the Ptolemaic theory of the universe.
Host: Your reaction, Mr. Apologist?
Mr. Apologist: It may surprise you to learn that I think that’s absolutely right. We wouldn’t be in this situation with radical feminists and calls for women’s ordination if it hadn’t been for Copernicus and Galileo.
Host: Sir, I don’t follow you.
Mr. Apologist: The same Church that teaches women can’t be priests also teaches that the sun stood still. “Stood still” implies that it ordinarily moves. It’s simple logic.
Host: I see. Are you suggesting that sun moves around the earth and that Copernicus and Galileo were wrong?
Mr. Apologist: I’m glad you asked that. As a matter of fact, I do. It is clear from the Bible and the latest scientific evidence that the whole cosmos revolves around the earth. And not just the earth but Alexandria, Virginia.
Host: That’s a pretty outrageous claim.
Mr. Apologist: You only say that because you’ve been infected by godless, modernist thinking. To prove my case, I’m willing to challenge anyone to prove that the earth moves. Right here on national TV, I’ll make the challenge. Here’s your chance to pick up $1000, just by proving me wrong.
Host: Sir, that’s not really why we asked you to come here this afternoon. Besides, this is CNN. We’re international television…
Mr. Apologist: And I’ll issue the same challenge to you evolutionists out there. If any of you can prove I’m descended from an ape, you’ll win a crisp new thousand-dollar bill…
Ms. Feminist: I don’t think you’re an ape. You’re a Neanderthal.
Mr. Apologist: And one more thing. I’m also willing to challenge my opponents to a no-holds-barred wrestling match right here on national television–I mean international TV. Protestants, heliocentrists, evolutionists, feminists, and self-styled orthodox Catholics like Mark Shea should put up or shut up. This is where the action is. I dare you all. Mano y mano. Bring it on.
Host: Thank you, but we’re out of time…
Mr. Apologist: You’re just trying to shut me up because you know I know the truth … I know the truth and I’m trying to get it out to the American people. The truth will set you free.
Host: Sir, we really do have to move on to another segment …
Mr. Apologist: I’ve known about this global conspiracy for years. Years. Aliens took over Family Radio. Harold Camping was replaced by a replicant. And I’m beginning to suspect the same thing has happened at the Vatican. I have evidence that suggests Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replicant. Just look at these two photos. Compare the ears in each picture to the ears in the other. Clearly, these are two different men. I also suspect that John Paul II really died in what you helicentrist/evolutionist/feminist/modernists call “the assassination attempt” on him. He, too, was replaced by a replicant. That’s why we had those pagan worship services at Assisi. He’s a replicant.
Host: That’s ridiculous. What are you talking about?
Mr. Apologist: Ridiculous!!! You just say that because you can’t refute my irrefutable evidence!!! You don’t want to argue with me because you know I will win. Well, let’s duke it out right here then, Mr. Talkshow Host, and let the people decide. Truth by ordeal and I’m your ordeal, buddy. A thousand smackers to any man, woman or child who can take me on in the ring ………Shea! I know you’re watching. Come out from behind your blog and face your enemy! Right here on this network. Shea! I’ll …
[Fade to CNN logo, James Earl Jones' voice over, "This is CNN," then to a Cool Whip commercial]
Just to be extremely clear, Bob does not advocate “replicant theories”. Nor does he engage in celebrity wrestling. Nor does he consider me an enemy. Nor I him. We simply disagree on whether the earth rotates. I, along with the rest of the human race, think it does. Bob and the staff of CAI have convinced themselves it doesn’t out of a profound misunderstanding of Catholic teaching. For that reason, I think Bob is not the very best representative of the Church’s position on other matters that CNN could have found since it’s just a matter of time before somebody out in TV-land notices and exploits this quirk to argue that those who hold the Church’s position concerning Holy Orders are “medieval”, etc. Could they really not find anyone else or was there an agenda at work here?
No. That would imply bias. Unthinkable.