Meanwhile, in the South, missionaries are reaching out to Democrats

Knock, knock.

“Yes?”

“Howdy, ma’am. My name is Bubba Jo Suggs and I’m running for Congress in this district.”

“Oh really? Which party?”

“Oh. Um. The [cough] party.”

“I’m sorry. Which party?”

“The De [mumble] Party.”

“What?”

“Look! It’s the Democratic Party. Okay? Happy now? DEMOCRATIC. And no, I’m not proud of it, but I’m the guy who got stuck with the nomination for this damn campaign! Now will you vote for me or not, or are you going to keep tormenting me?”

“Maybe you need to come in and have a nice cup of tea. I can see this is hard on you. You know, I used to be a Democrat too, till I just couldn’t stand it anymore. You can change too.”

“I… really? [begins to weep]. Because you know, I’ve thought about doing it a hundred times. But you have no idea what purely tribal pressures there are to go on being part of the Party, even when the Party no longer stands for any discernible human values at all and is purely about the naked pursuit of power for its own sake.”

“Come on in, son. Have some tea and we’ll talk about Jesus Christ for a while. There are higher goods than winning an election. Don’t make Clinton’s Faustian bargain.”

Grateful sobs from the weeping candidate as another soul is saved.


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