The solution to this and all problems is simple, Victor: Ordain women and abolish celibacy

Victor Lams tells me he found this in the St. Louis Post Dispatch archives. Who could doubt it?

Yet another precious resource, down the drain, thanks to bigots.

ONE OF the most overlooked civil rights injustices in America is the

situation in most American showers: the soap dish has been placed right

where the water from the shower can hit it. The most shocking result of

this is that the water from the shower slowly eats away at the bar of soap

until there is none left. In fact, research has shown that shower users

who place their soap in the provided dish go through 12% more soap

annually. As stunning as that figure is, the true tragedy for these

consumers is that many have to have their showers replaced more frequently

– up to 6% more often! — due to the rapid accumulation of

non-water-soluable soap residue around the shower drain. All of this would

seem, to the ordinary citizen, to indicate a conspiracy between the makers

of showers and the makers of soap.

To the more insightful observer, of course, the story goes far deeper than

that. Within the coed dorms of St. Louis State University, deep within the

bowels of the unisex showers there, painstaking research has been done,

mostly through the use of hidden, wireless cameras so as not to skew the

results by alerting the subjects that their practices are bein observed,

to determine which demographic is most likely to be victimized and robbed

of their precious soap dollars by this clandestine conspiracy.

Of female students who showered alone, only 17% placed their soap on the

provided soap dish where harmful shower water could slowly eat away at it.

This number was even lower when multiple female students showered together

(though the researchers were unable to provide a precise number in this

case, citing the disappearance of that particular research tape). Of

heterosexual couples showering together, 28% placed their soap on the

provided soap dish. When male students showered alone, however, the

percentage of students placing their soap on the resource-squandering dish

skyrocketed to 73%!

This is not as surprising however, as the next astounding conclusion which

was reached by the researchers: of male students showering together, only

34% left their soap on the dish, within striking distance of the shower’s

destructive path.

Clearly, such statistics painfully indicate that there is a far more

pervasive and insidious power in play than just the manufacturer of

showers and soap. First, ask yourself the same question the researchers

asked themselves after watching all of the research footage (but not

immediately after, though): if someone or some power were to want as much

soap wasted as possible, how would such a power go about ensuring that

soap would continue to be wasted for years to come?

Well, obviously such a power would promote a lifestyle which kept men, and

specifically men, single. And who alone promotes such a lifestyle through

its repression of single women as well as heterosexual and lesbian

couples. And who has had the harshest things to say about the poor,

soap-saving gay community?

You guessed it (if you’re smart). The Catholic Church, that’s who.

Need further proof? Grab the bar of soap closest to you and turn it over.

See it printed right there in front of you: Dove. Now flip through that

coffee-table book of great euro-centric architecture you have there. Turn

to page 167. See it? It’s a picture of a dove. Right there on the page.

Right there in St. Peter’s Basilica!

Perhaps most shocking of all is that the National Conference of Catholic

Bishops has yet to address this issue in any of their conferences over the

past 180 years! In fact, the only comment offered by the NCCB on the

matter was that they didn’t think the problem was widespread. Of course

they would say that, due to (fortunately for gays, lesbians, and

soap-lovers everywhere) the declining number of soap-wasting-losers

joining the Catholic clergy!

No, the church says, we’re not behind the great Soap and Shower


But someone is indeed behind the great soap conspiracy. And it is the


Because we say so.

And you’re dumb.