Victor Lams has inspired me

Over on his blog he’s been putting captions to Homeland Security artwork. So I thought I’d try a hand

Do they *have* to use so much incense at this Mass?

This Way to the “Secrets of Roswell, NM” Display

In case of emergency, extremely thin red arrows will be allowed to escape through the gap between the locked door and the jamb, but fat humans will be left behind and trapped.

In emergency situations, debris is politely requested to fall in a downward direction (see arrows if there are any questions.)

When you need to unwind after an act of horrific terrorism, nothing compares to a Knights Templar [TM] Massage.

Embarrassed by excessive saliva production? Try New Absorba-Cloth! (Warning: Be sure to change the cloth when it comes saturated.)

Okay Hand, let’s go over your bit slowly again. Top line, you write “Mene, mene”. Middle line you write “Tekel”. Bottom line you write, “Upharsin”.

I don’t care *how* hot you are. This bar does not cater to Raging Infernos and if you try to push through the door I’ll call the cops on you.

The Pentecostal Jazzercise class has been cancelled.