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A reader sends along the following (Advance warning: R rated material):

Found the following (presumably excerpted) document on the Vatican website. An interesting consequence of the Holy Father’s desire to make use of the arts as an instrument of reclaiming secular culture. I found it derivative in parts but on the whole of topical interest.

*******

MY FAIR LADDIES

Copyright (c) 1997 by the Pontifical Council for the Interpretation of Legislative Texts. All Rights Reserved.

[Author's note: The following work is fictional and any resemblance to actual persons living, living with AIDS, or dead, is coincidental. The United States Catholic episcopacy is, of course, wholly imaginary.]

ACT ONE — Scene One: four bishops linger in the piano lounge of Marcel’s Bar Exotique in Coral Gables, Florida. They sing (to the tune of “Loverly”):

[+Buffalo:]

They say that Provincetown

Has need of christo-ther-a-pee.

Mmmmm.

[+Phoenix:]

My vicar wants to open up

A disco in D.C.

Mmmmm.

[+Albany:]

I changed the mattress pads

Of all the USCCB.

[All:]

MMMmmm! MMMmmm!

Wouldn’t it be cuddle-y!

[+Milwaukee:]

All I want is a stiff Jim Beam

Plus a lad from my R.E. team –

That’s my Nantucket Dream –

Oh, wouldn’t it be cuddle-y!

No fat abbots and no psalm chants,

Far away from the right-wing rants:

No crook, no cross, no pants –

Oh, wouldn’t it be cuddle-y!

Oooh, sooo cuddle-y keepin’ up the social justice farce!

I would never budge from Lars’

Gratia artis arse.

Asked what sal’ry my rent boy’s on,

Grew my beard so’s I might respond:

“Paid by one hairy john.”

Oh, wouldn’t it be cuddle-y!

Paul Marcoux sitting on my lap;

New York law firms to beat the rap –

Hot time, hot tub, hot chap –

Oh, wouldn’t it be cuddle-y!

Cuddle-y? Cuddle-y. Cuddle-y? Cuddle-y!

[They fall silent, dabbing their eyes with their hankies, when a fifth bishop bursts into the lounge, waltzing rapturously, followed more slowly by a porky law-enforcement officer with a holstered sidearm and a Stetson]

[+St. Petersburg (to the tune of "I Could Have Danced All Night"):]

I could have pranced, all right,

Put down my pants all night,

And still have begged for Moore!

I could shaved my thighs,

And swung a compromise

To stay as Ed’s masseur.

I’ll never know

What made it so

Indicting,

‘Cause after all

I’m still polite:

I only know when he

Took 30-mil from me

I could have lanced each nance in sight!

[Pasco County Sheriff:]

We understand now,

It’s all been grand now,

But you should be in jail.

[+ St. Petersburg:]

I could have chanced a kite

And so financed the site

With Davey Herman’s check.

I could have halved the fee

With some minority

And never risked my neck.

I’ll never know

What made it so

Indicting,

‘Cause after all

I’m still polite:

I only know when he

Took 30-mil from me

I could have lanced each nance in sight!

ACT TWO — Scene One: a reception for media stars and the executives of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in a luxury suite of the Fairmont Hotel in Dallas. Chins high, holding cocktails like parasols, all sing (to the tune of “Ascot Gavotte”):

Ev’ry friend of Norman Lear is here,

Ev’ry angry, left-wing queer is here,

What a smashing, homophobe-abashing, breeder-trashing Dallas op’ning day!

Peggy Steinfels and Tom Reese are here,

Steve Rossetti and Canice are here,

What a smashing, homophobe-abashing, breeder-trashing Dallas op’ning day!

Scene Two: Dallas. the Executive Session of the USCCB. The Archbishop of Los Angeles instructs his assembled brethren; the bishops who share the dias with him provide the chorus (to the tune of “With a Little Bit of Luck”):]

[+Los Angeles:]

The Lord above made nephews for amusement

To keep our curates close to kith and kin

The Lord above made nephews for amusement — BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

You can say the learning curve wore thin!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie the curve wore thin!

[+Los Angeles:]

A Father Sutphin touches up his servers

And leaves a lot of lawsuits when he goes.

A Father Sutphin touches up his servers — BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

You can transfer him to Old St. Joe’s!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie he’ll go to Joe’s!

[+Los Angeles:]

Yeah you could keep the Sixth Commandment

But with a little bitty lie you’ll take a bye.

A timid scout might tattle to his mother,

Who writes and phones and swears she’s gonna sue.

A timid scout might tattle to his mother — BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

You can have your cake and eat it too!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie you’ll eat it too!

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty gritty lie.

[+Los Angeles:]

The plaintiffs’ side might serve you a subpoena

To ask if Ziemann’s rapes were known or not.

The plaintiffs’ side might serve you a subpoena — BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

You can always say you plumb forgot!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie you plumb forgot!

[+Los Angeles:]

They’re always preaching justice at you,

But with a little bitty lie the case might die.

The Cath’lic tabloids feature front-page photos

Of Pete Liuzzi prancing in the aisles

The Cath’lic tabloids feature front-page photos –BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

Sister Judy claims she lost his files!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie she lost his files!

[+Los Angeles:]

O you can lose a quarter of your clergy

To sordid crime, and sin, and gay disease.

Yes you can lose a quarter of your clergy — BUT

With a little bitty lie, with a little bitty lie

You can force your laymen off their knees!

[All:]

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty lie they’ll leave their knees!

With a little bit-

With a little bit-

With a little bitty gritty lie!

ACT THREE — Scene One: a room in the Florida State Penitentiary. The Baptist chaplain is sitting across a table from the former bishop of Palm Beach. One of the former bishops of Palm Beach. They have clearly been at it a long time and are weary.]

[Pastor Jack:]

Your dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong.

[+Palm Beach:]

My dong when. Long. Is strongly in. The wrong.

[Pastor Jack:]

Once again?

[+Palm Beach:]

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong.

[Pastor Jack:]

I think he’s got it.

I think he’s got it.

[+Palm Beach (to the tune of "The Rain in Spain"):]

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong!

[Pastor Jack:]

By George he’s got it!

By George he’s got it!

Once again, where is your dong?

[+Palm Beach:]

In the wrong! In the wrong!

[Pastor Jack:]

And when is willie wrong?

[+Palm Beach:]

When he’s long! When he’s long!

[Both (exultantly dancing a tango):]

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong!

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong!

[Pastor Jack:]

In Hartford, Harrisburg, and Houston…

[+Palm Beach:]

…Heteros hardly homilize.

How KIND of you to let me come.

[Pastor Jack:]

Once again, where is your dong?

[+Palm Beach:]

In the wrong! In the wrong!

[Pastor Jack:]

And when is willie wrong?

[+Palm Beach:]

When he’s long! When he’s long!

[Both:]

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong!

My dong, when long, is strongly in the wrong!

Scene Two: The tv room of the Bishop’s Residence in Lexington, Kentucky. The bishop and his chancery staff are watching the 9 o’clock news when a brief phone call comes. When the receiver is replaced , they sing (to the tune of “I’m Getting Married in the Morning”):]

[+Lexington:]

I’m getting sentenced in the morning!

Look’s like they’ll hand me six to nine.

Show me the stairways!

Call Libyan Airways!

But get me out of town on time!

I’m getting sentenced in the morning!

See-saw the siren’s gonna whine!

Pack while you’re thinkin’!

Warm up the Lincoln!

But get me out of town on time!

If I’ve a “meeting,” come drain the pool!

If I’m “retreating,” drive ‘im back to school!

For I’ve got to vanish in the morning!

Since when is child-rape a crime?

Kneecap their mothers;

Stonewall the others.

And get me out of town,

[Staff:]

(Get him out of town!)

[+Lexington:]

For Mom’s sake get me out of town on time!

[Some soft-shoe dancing on the coffee table, wet bar, &c.; ]

[+Lexington:]

I’m getting sentenced in the morning!

Just ’cause a deacon dropped a dime.

Shear, shave, de-sex me

Roll, wrap, Fed-Ex me

But get me out of town on time!

I’ve got to leg it in the morning!

News 4 will run the tape on prime.

Pay off the copper!

Call in a chopper!

But get me out of town on time!

Go tell Miss Geoghan her Jack’s been trumped;

God knows my bail’s not the only thing I’ve jumped.

For I’m getting sentenced in the morning!

Just when my star began to climb.

Cap me and coat me!

Have Rome promote me!

But get me out of town,

[Staff:]

Get him out of town!

[+Lexington:]

For Mom’s sake get me out of town on time!

ACT FOUR — Scene One: the Men’s Correctional Center, Joliet, Illinois. The former bishop of Springfield lingers behind in his cell during the exercise period. He holds one of his cellmate’s socks in his hand and sings (to the tune of “On the Street Where You Live”):]

I have often been

On this bunk before

But my stay was always underneath a monk before

All at once am I

On a steroid high

Knowing I’m in the cell where you live…

I learned daiquiri

And martini facts

When I chaired the Bishops’ Task Force on Bikini Wax:

Sipping Ballantynes

In my Calvin Kleins

Now that I’m in the cell where you live…

And oh! The sickening feeling

When I would tidy your bed:

The dread, pulse-quickening feeling

That finds protease inhibitors instead.

Stephen Brady’s crowd –

They don’t bother me;

There’s the NCR to mother and to father me

My success shall be

Measured rectally

Now that I’m in the cell where you live!

Finis.


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