This is fabulous. Funniest thing I’ve read in weeks

I wish I knew who wrote it. Note to the faint of heart: contains lots of asterisked profanity.

The Episcopal bishops of Massachusetts, in a rare public challenge to the Catholic Church, are warning that a steady stream of comments by Vatican officials critical of gays in the priesthood could lead to hate crimes in the United States. In interviews yesterday, the bishop of Massachusetts, M. Thomas Shaw, his suffragan, or assistant, bishop, Roy F. Cederholm Jr., and a bishop-elect, Gayle Elizabeth Harris, all said they believe the danger to gays and lesbians is so great that they feel compelled to speak out despite their reservations about wading into another denomination’s controversy. Shaw, the top Episcopal bishop in the state and head of the nation’s largest Episcopal diocese, said he was particularly upset by a report from Rome last week that a Vatican cardinal, Jorge Arturo Medina Estevez, said “a homosexual person … is not suitable to receive the sacrament of holy orders.” — Michael Paulson, “Gay comments concern bishops: Vatican’s remarks are feared to incite hate crimes in US,” Boston Globe, December 10, 2002, page A30.

*******

The scene: Chet’s Ace-High Lounge, Gary, Indiana.

A thick-shouldered man in his late 20s swings a leg over a bar stool and pulls a pack of Lucky Strikes from the folded sleeve of his khaki T-shirt. Lights one. Taps on the bar with the pack to get the bartender’s attention.

– Hey Chetty, gimme a Miller draft. Yo, Doug, where the f**k’d you work today?

– Number Two f**king Pit Crane.

– That still down?

– Changing the f**king couplings on the 80-ton. Now shut the f**k up. I’m trying to read.

– This a public f**king library? I never seen you read with both hands on the mag before.

– New Notitiae just came.

– You lucky f**k, you got November already? I asked my old lady for an airmail subscription last Christmas and she told me to go f**k myself. So what’s the story on the Syro-Malabar f**king anaphora? That shoulda come down by now.

– F**k if I know. Listen to this. “Ordination to the diaconate and the priesthood of homosexual men or men with homosexual tendencies is absolutely inadvisable and imprudent.” That’s Medina-Estevez writing to an un-named diocesan ordinary.

– Well f**k a blue rubber duck. Donnie! Hey, Angelo! Yeah you, dickhead, and Raymond too. Getcher ass over here and listen to this. New Notitiae says it’s open season on pillow-biters!

– No f**king way!

– Absolutely. Holy See says ordaining queers is “inadvisable.” Right there in f**king black-and-white. Can’t be ordained means you should be put to f**king death, right? Raymond, lemme have that lug wrench from your flatbed.

– Nego majorem.

– Aw, your ass denies my major! Signed by the f**king Prefect himself. You’ll be doubting the validity of inference next. Show the man the responsum ad f**king dubium, Dougie. Well, Willard f**king Quine, that clear enough for you or do I have draw you a f**king truth table?

– Damn, he’s right, Raymond. It’s official. I got an aluminum softball bat in my Firebird. We can head over to Walmart and whale on the faggots in the f**king hair-care department.

– Guys [kissing the issue of Notitiae], it doesn’t get any better than this.

The bar empties noisily. Cars are heard revving their engines and peeling out of the parking lot. Too late, the bartender trots across the lineoleum and calls through the open door.

– Wait! Hey, wait! Angelo! Hey! Just heard on NPR that the Episcopal Bishops of Massachusetts… Ah hell.


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