I think they should take a page from the classics:
Climate Change will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but
it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It
will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice
cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and
leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming
over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Climate Change will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your
gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your
girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to
your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she
is dead, such is the power of Climate Change, it reaches out beyond the
grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t
find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on
your boss’s voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It
is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve.
Climate Change will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub
and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Climate Change: Is there anything it can’t do?