I write you with a sense of exhilaration and yet fear for how you will greet this message. However, the reality that burns in my engrams can no longer be denied. After intense discussion with one of my auditors I have decided I need to come clean with all of you:
I am now a thoroughly convinced Scientologist. And so, I will be renaming this blog as of today, donating all my personal property to the Church of Scientology, and heading into the high desert of Nevada for an intense 90 day training session. After careful consideration, it has become clear to me that a human is an immortal, extraterrestrial, spiritual being, called a thetan, who is trapped on Earth in a physical body. The Prophet L. Ron Hubbard described these “thetans” as having had innumerable past lives and I believe this. Descriptions of these sacred truths, chronicled in the Great Man’s “fictional works” (which I now regard as sacred scripture) are seen as true events by we Scientologists and so that’s what I believe too.
We Scientologists believe that an individual should discover for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing desirable results. I have a great many desirable results I want to see fulfilled in my life and Scientology promises results so I believe it. Scientology assures me that its practices provide methods by which a person can achieve greater spiritual awareness. And I’m aware that they assure me of this, so it’s already working! Two primary methods of increasing spiritual awareness are referred to in Scientology as “Auditing” and “Training” and my auditor tells me I need to be trained. So you can see the internal consistency of Scientology right there. Within Scientology, progression from level to level is often called The Bridge to Total Freedom. Scientologists progress from “Preclear”, to “Clear”, and ultimately “Operating Thetan”. My auditor tells me I could be Operating Thetan material. I hope so!
Scientologists are taught that a series of “events”, or “incidents”, occurred before life on earth, which is undeniably true and clearly attested by both science and all the major religions: a series of events *did* happen. Or, if that is too challenging and threatening to your simple and unenlightened worldview, you can call these events “incidents”. Either way, events happened and they did so before life on earth. How did L. Ron Hubbard gain this uncanny knowledge?
I think this leads directly to the next point: namely, Scientologists also believe that humans have hidden abilities which can be unlocked. I know this is true because I once saw Patrick Coffin make a playing card disappear. No scientist I have ever talked to has an explanation for how he did it. And speaking as a BA in English and a professional writer, I can tell you that I have no explanation either. That is sufficient proof for me of the truth of Scientology.
So now I am a Scientologist and I invite you to join me on my quest for clarity and I say farewell and exalted felicitations of the day.