The Conspiracy Goes Deeper Than You Know!!!

Here’s a photo (taken by sinister confederate Brandon Vogt) to strike terror into the hearts of all the vigilant(e) folks at Pewsitter, Spirit Daily, Rorate Coeli, Angelqueen and Culture Wars (all of whom have been tracking–and heavily editing–the roller coaster ride of my career of pure evil as I labor to corrupt the Faith from fealty to the GOP and urge Catholics to consider the possibility that they should embrace the whole of Catholic teaching and not just the Republican-sounding parts:

Of course, the simple-minded will see in this a picture taken after a nice meal in which Fr. Barron, Brandon, Fr. Steve Grunow and I bent the elbow a bit and enjoyed each other’s company in a wide-ranging gabfest about a lot of different stuff that interests us.

But those with a more penetrating insight into the depths of human evil will intuitively grasp, without any bourgeois need for evidence, that this was taken just after Fr. Barron and I put our finishing touches on the Master Plan.  After all, why would a supposedly “good priest” eat with a sinner like me? I am, as it well known, somebody so radically committed to evil that I do not appoint myself Sex Cop of the lives of good and decent people who live lives of manifest holiness and dedication to the gospel.  So you can tell right there that serious rot has set in and Fr. Barron has no sense of discernment in letting himself be photographed with me.  Like Cardinal Dolan who likewise ate with sinners recently, he is scandalizing literally dozens of Catholic comboxers who are pretty sure it’s their job to sniff out evil, whether real or imaginary. As to that whole “eating with sinners” thing, where’s *that* cockamamie idea in the Catholic tradition?  So yes: when a priest eats with me for an hour and a half, the only rational conclusion is that we are scheming together and everything you thought you knew or could trust about the priest is a smokescreen for Ultimate Evil.

I’d tell you what the Master Plan entails, but I’ve said too much already and would be forced to kill you after giving you a memory wipe to prevent the CIA from reconstructing your brain proteins and downloading your thoughts into one of their super-secret Dollhouse agents. I will add, though, that our Illinois operations have been particularly successful.  In addition to replacing  Vogt and Frs. Barron and Grunow with Pod People, we have also infiltrated Manchurian editor Scott P. Richert into the Catholic media.  I have to thank super-duper secret Illinois agent (pardon the ingenius and uncrackable code name )Yeliad P. Naes for his invaluable help.  The trout sings at midnight, Naes.  I repeat: The trout sings at midnight.

Have to run. They are coming. I will blog again from a secure location.  Gentle Reader: Continue imagining your life is as normal as it was before you saw this blog entry–if that comforts you in your last few remaining days.

  • PNP, OP

    Sorry, Mark. . .you’re real intentions aren’t well-hidden by those ridiculous smiles.

    Oh, and you have a piece of spinach in your teeth.

    Fr. Philip Neri, OP

  • Dismas

    What next, a photo edited conspiratorial picture depicting you with our Holy Father?

  • Sean P. Dailey

    Ahoy! It be fitting that ye post this on Talk Like a Pirate day, First Mate Mark! We know now yer here t’ drag our souls down t’ Davey Jones Locker! Arrrrrr!

  • JoFro

    Dismas – Oh God! Nooo, not the Holy Father!! Anyone but him :D

  • CJ

    You really are slimming down Mark. Good on ya.

  • Peony Moss

    Either that picture is a manip or you are hiding something. Neither of the men in the picture look like men who’ve been eating for an hour and a half. We would expect to see a little less relaxed happiness and joy and much more green around the gills. Don’t try to fluff it off with excuses like “not literally eating for an hour and a half”, “that meant we spent an hour and a half in the restaurant”, “we spent a lot of time talking”, “we stopped eating long enough to let the waiter clear our plates”.

    In addition, the man on the left looks significantly less Jolly than the way you’ve described yourself in years past, and verifiably less Jolly than the “Mark Shea” appearing on the Chesterton show a few years back. So which is it? Was the Jolly thing all an act? Are you trying to assume the identity of the Jolly Mark Shea? (And where did he go? Hmmmm? Was all that “Manalive” and “Innocent Smith” business a coded clue?)

    Or are you trying to pass off that picture as being of you and Fr Barron when it’s actually Fr Barron and somebody else? Or is it you and a lookalike Fr. Barron? Or Jimmy Akin and some random priest? I’m getting confused now.

    • Peony Moss

      And that would be “the left of the two people in the picture”, not “the left of the picture as we are looking at it.”

    • Mark Shea

      After consulting my conscience, I have concluded I am not Jolly but am instead a Trans-Fatty. I am currently undergoing Slender Identity Reassignment. As is always the case, you must celebrate and affirm me or face draconian punishment. If there’s one thing I will not stand for, it’s intolerance.

  • Skip Dean

    The Beagle has Blanded.

  • MarylandBill

    Hello, Father Barron is wearing black! After all, there are many priests who pretend to be good but routinely ignore Republican talking points when it conflicts with the teaching of the Catholic Church.

  • terry nelson

    I knew it! You are a good guy!

    You lost weight too. God bless you!


  • Brandon Vogt

    Wow. I totally thought we were eating with Jimmy Akin the whole time. I’m SO sorry I kept calling you Jimmy–should have spoken up!

  • Anya

    Hey Mark, looking good!