Advent being a time of penitential suffering, I need to get going with the annual serial posting of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
No. You needn’t thank me. I know exactly how you feel. If I can bring unbearable pain into just one minion’s life, I know my day ain’t been in vain fer nuthin’. That I can inflict unspeakable anguish on so many is a gift beyond my desserts. But I will try to use that gift for evil and not for good. It’s what we Dark Lords do.
A spiritual experience as profound, wrenching, and awful as the Star Wars Holiday Special can’t be endured all at once. It must be doled out in pieces so as to prolong the agony. And it must end at just the right moment so that Christmas will truly be experienced as sweet release from the pain. I think December 24 is a fitting Final Day for the last segment.
So let me hereby announce that beginning on December 17, as your Dark Lord, I will be re-posting, in seven parts, the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. Today, if you need me, I will be sitting in the penthouse of the Dark Tower, sipping mimosas and listening to the screams of anguish on the Pits of Despair intercom system. It’s fun being me.