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There is an emerging genre of world literature…

called “the Amazon review”. Here, for instance, is one of the 2317 awesome review accorded the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

There’s plenty more where that come from. And this is but one item. You can find lots more quality reviewing on Amazon from unsung bards and literary geniuses of the first water.

Here’s more art inspired by this fine product:

I, of course, cannot buy this shirt since my natural virility already poses a danger to the feminine soul.

  • http://aftertheecstasythelaundry.wordpress.com/ Cynthia

    I have begun seeing more and more of these (sometime accompanied by hilarious author-submitted product photos) bandied about on Facebook, etc. In some cases I’ve literally screamed with laughter.

    What I find most interesting is that, in no way, do these reviews make me want to actually purchase the product listed. Hmmm…

    Not sure which one was actually first, but there are a significant number of these at Skymall as well.

  • Heather Price

    Comedy gold is the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Dale’s a “Verified Purchaser” and he gave it 3 stars.

    How would we create this genre without the Internet? Just awesome. :)

  • mike in kc, mo

    One I thought was funny was the Black Tactical Balls.

    Yes, it’s an actual product on Amazon.

  • Hezekiah Garrett

    Know any good blackface videos? Maybe some Amos N Andy links you could share?

    • Rosemarie

      +J.M.J+

      Ah. I finally watched (the beginning of) the above video and now understand what offends you. Yeah, that’s hard to watch. Maybe they should have parodied “Hungry Like The Wolf” instead.

  • Rosemarie

    +J.M.J+

    The funniest Amazon review I’ve read was for an, um, feminine hygiene product called the Diva Cup 2. Won’t link to it for many reasons -NSFW, breaks the Second Commandment (gd) twice, a bit gross, probably not the kind of thing a male should/would want to read. But the author does have a gift for turn of phrase.

  • Mark S. (not for Shea)

    Any time I start to be concerned about the lack of genuine lunatics in this world, all I have to do is read a few reviews on Amazon.com or Youtube.

    My favorite Amazon reviews are those who give a book 1 star, the the first words of their review are always, “I haven’t read this book, but…”

    • Rosemarie

      +J.M.J+

      Yeah, that and the ones who write something like, “I ordered this six months ago and never got it!” Or the ones who give the book a rave review but still only one star.

  • Gary Keith Chesterton

    I understand Mr. Garrett, and would like to second his request. Perhaps we could have something about drunken Irishmen as well.

    • Hezekiah Garrett

      To be clear, mark is an honourable man, so you might see such a thing if you really mean it.

  • Sus
    • Rosemarie

      +J.M.J+

      Oh NOW I get it! Binders… women… yeah. I think I’ve repressed all memories of last year’s election disaster.

    • Hezekiah Garrett

      I’m as anti-Mitt as they come. That’s some lame-[donkey]ed humour there.

      The white whore dressed like “Pocahontas” was funnier.

  • Metro

    Of course a classic… the Bic Cristal Pen *for Her* – it now has 800+ reviews, who even knows where the funniest are anymore…
    http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-0mm-Black-MSLP16-Blk/dp/B004F9QBE6/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

  • Blog Goliard

    And to think that, back in the half-forgotten pre-history of the genre (say, 2006), Amazon actually fretted about and deleted such reviews. See, for instance, “On Amazon, All of a Sudden Everyone’s a Milk Critic” (https://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/09/technology/09milk.html?_r=0).


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