(ROME) Pope Francis announced today that, in an effort to make Catholic worship “cooler” he was authorizing the creation of a New Mass that would feature altar servers, lectors, and Eucharistic ministers dressed as beloved characters from the Disney pantheon. “Now the children will have a chance to hear Goofy offer the Old Testament reading and Donald Duck lead the People of God in the Psalms (and “It’s a Small World After All”). And who would not want to see a child’s face light up with joy as Mickey Mouse reads from the New Revised NAB?”
Pope Francis explained that the new translation of Scripture will avoid problems with sexist language by means of correcting the text. For example, the currently unwieldy rendering of greetings in Paul’s letters (“Grace, mercy, and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ”) will now be rendered “Hi Folks!” “I think it’s more accessible, don’t you?” said the Holy Father.
In addition, in an effort to be more inclusive, singing and dancing Eucharistic ministers dressed as Disney Princesses will liturgically dance to the altar, flinging action figures into the audience. Parishioners will pay for these by credit cards via scanners to be installed in the pews.
Also, the new liturgy will feature commercial breaks and improved hymnody with music based on the work of such Disney pop stars as Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera (whom the Holy Father refers to as a “phenom”) and Miley Cyrus.
Finally, the Holy Father announced that the Disney Mass is the first in a suite of New Masses designed to “pastorally cater to the needs of various focus-grouped demographics”. In coming months, according to Pope Francis, the Church will launch a Star Trek Mass (featuring reading in Klingon and a climactic “Batleth Combat with Evil” Optional rite to accompany the baptismal liturgy), a Lord of the Rings Mass with Elven chants in Quenya and Sindarin, and a wacky “Phineas and Ferb” liturgy “for those who want a little pep in their worship.”
“What could it hurt?” said the Holy Father. “Besides: How do the kids put it these days? It’ll be ‘boss’!”