Ask Your Doctor If the Blood of a Virgin is Right for You

Everybody need a hobby. Reader Laura Freeburn’s odd hobby is translating medieval German texts into English. Sometimes she runs into odd things:

The following is my snarky summary of the medieval story Der arme Heinrich by Hartmann von Aue. If you enjoyed the now-defunct website The Toast, you might like this too. If not…I have other posts. Go here if you’ve never seen an American pharmaceutical ad.

IS THIS YOU?

Are you covered in disgusting sores? Losing fingers and toes? Suffering from gangrene and blindness? Afraid your nose will collapse? Then ask your doctor if the blood of a virgin is right for you!

The lifeblood of a virgin of marriageable age is an exciting new treatment from Salerno Pharma.

You’ll notice a difference as soon as the knife is plunged into her innocent heart. Before you know it, you’ll be back to doing all the things you love – Riding! Jousting! Falconry! Playing the lute!

THIS COULD BE YOU!

So don’t wait – find a girl to sacrifice and start living your best life ever – TODAY!

*Side effects of sacrificing a virgin may include dry mouth, crippling guilt, PTSD, and an eternity in Hell. Some users may experience revenge murder by girl’s family. Do not use The Blood of a Virgin if you already suffer from nightmares or insomnia.

Heinrich: What?

Pharma rep: What?

Heinrich: That last part was really fast…what did you say?

Pharma rep: Oh nothing, just some random words. If you’re not sure about the treatment, look, I have a coupon. Our doctors in Salerno are just great. You’ll be so glad you did it!

Heinrich: OK: you’re saying if I go to Salerno and have a doctor stab some young lady in the heart, while I just sit there and watch, I’ll be cured and I can go back to running my estate and doing everything I used to do? How do I even arrange this thing? Can I kidnap an orphan who is definitely a bad person?

Pharma rep: Actually, she has to sacrifice herself willingly, otherwise it doesn’t work.

Heinrich: &#%@$!@#*%$#%#&! Nobody’s going to do that! Get lost, I have mud to wallow in.

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