Guys, I’m so tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sleeping — that is the problem — I’m sleeping way too much. It’s called hypersomnia and it is a stress reaction not uncommon to those with PTSD. Usually, sleeping is a challenge for me, but when something is particularly stressful, it’s like, “tag, your it!” in a game of sleeping beauty. I fall asleep at home; nodding off while in the shower, when I sit down to eat lunch, when I try to read a book or knit. I fall asleep in the car (not falling asleep at stop lights is a huge challenge), in church, in the check out line. Startling myself awake only to be drawn right back into deep slumber. It is crazy. Several weeks ago I was forced to quit my beloved job because they needed me to work more hours than a mother to four under the age of 11 could. If I couldn’t work full time +, they didn’t want me there. It was harsh and stressful and effectively put me into a PTSD spiral of hypersomnia and depression. The whole ordeal has been extremely disruptive to our family life.
I am slowly improving. I’m down to one nap a day and can really push through if I have to, but I go to bed pretty early on those days. I sleep 8-12 hours, get up, accomplish the things I absolutely must and repeat the cycle. It is incredibly frustrating. I feel lazy and useless, but I can’t keep my eyes open! I came down with a nasty cold a couple days ago so I’m getting to experience essential oils and modern medicine working together first hand…which is nice. But I’d rather have a nice clean house, home cooked meals and the tv on less.
I have to prioritize, so I’m sitting here, using daytime Alka Seltzer to wash down a caffeine tablet. I want to clean my house, do all the laundry, rearrange the Christmas tree ornaments, hang lights outside, get some jewelry making in, organize my desk and make a goodwill run. What will I end up doing? Making chili for dinner and doing a load of dishes. If I have energy left, a load of laundry. Other than that, it is just surviving. Getting the kids from school, delegating out tasks to keep the house running somewhat smoothly, and just breathing. That is what a good day looks like for me right now. I need prayer. It is so easy to be angry with this situation. I’m not sure it would be right to pray that I’d be less sleepy, though. I feel like an appropriate prayer would go something like this,
Thank you for loving me, for coordinating my life, for being a perfect Father. I don’t know why you are allowing me to feel the way I feel right now, I don’t know why my body needs so much rest, but I know that You know exactly why and have a good reason for allowing it. Lord, give me the strength to be patient and glad-hearted. Give me what I need to weather this trial in a manner that honors you. Be with my family. Give them what they need as well and protect our hearts from becoming angry with one another. Give us grace, faith and be merciful to us — you know how weak we are apart from you. I’d ask that You would give us a good day, one that glorifies you and that you would make our hearts content with however that looks for each of us individually. I thank you and praise you for your kindess, God. What an incredible Father you are. Amen.