I’m so tired of the word “nice.”

Why is “nice” the preferred morality term for all toddlers everywhere? I keep thinking that if some Martians walked onto any playground in America, they would gather that our greatest cultural value is niceness. Why else would we speak of it as our gold standard of behavior? Is nice really all we want our kids to be?

I’m becoming more and more aware of how often I use the word with August. He throws his food on the floor. “August, that’s not nice.” He’s freaks out and screams. “What’s the nice thing to do when you’re frustrated, buddy?” Why am I using such a vague word when I could be teaching him how compassion always trumps meanness, how sacrifice is more powerful than selfishness? Do I really want my son to be a person who does nice things or do I want him to be kind, to show love, to surrender his own comfort for the sake of another person? I would rather he grow up to be thoughtful and considerate, if perhaps a bit of a dissenter, than simply a man of agreement who is able to perform polite actions.

When I beg him to be nice I’m demonstrating in my disciplinary techniques the overarching false sweetness of our culture. Be pleasant! I’m saying. Don’t upset anyone! How often am I buying into likability and instructing August inadvertently in the false value of gaining approval at all costs?

This past weekend I had the joy of spending four hours on Saturday with a new friend and ten or so of her girlfriends for a birthday celebration. I had a wonderful time and it was so good to be in a situation where I was forced into conversations with really great women, most of whom are members of my new church.

As I sat around the table with these women, eating brunch following our amazingly awesome hip hop dance class, I had a revelation about most of my new San Francisco acquaintances: They are business women. This is significant. Throughout the past decade of my post-college adulthood, most of my friends have been academics: professors, researchers, thinkers, teachers, even artists. Or they were women in ministry. I have very few women of business in my life. This realization arrived as I stabbed my French toast, listening to conversations about profits and struggles with the personalities of colleagues and the general terminology of the financial world. Though we’d all been having hilarious conversations revolving around our lack of rhythm and failure to roll our hips according to the rules of hip hop, as soon as the conversation rotated into the world of industry, I thought, I don’t belong here.

So, you know it had to happen. As I listened to their business tales, wide-eyed and embarrassed that I had no idea what they were talking about, a kind soul caught my attention and asked, “Micha, do you work?”

I gave my answer. You, dear stay-at-home mother, know what it was. To which she responded, as if on cue: “Oh, that’s so nice that you can do that.”

Nice. I don’t blame her. I like this woman. I believe she was sincere. I believe she really does think it’s nice that I can stay home with August every day. And, honestly, wonderfully, it is nice. But why can’t it be so much more? Why does “that’s nice” need to be our culture’s go-to assessment of what we stay-at-home moms do all day?

I don’t have an answer. I just felt like complaining, which is exactly what I shouldn’t be doing on this fine Thankful Tuesday. So instead I’ll say this: I’m thankful today that my life with August is deeper and richer and more joyful than any easy explanation. So, next time you’re around me and hear me reproaching my son with the nice-word, remind me that if niceness is all there is, I’d better get a real job…

  • http://www.sundayschoolrebel.typepad.com Sam

    Hi there. I just found your blog and am reading through it…as a fellow SAHM, I feel you! Currently I am struggling with my own feelings of inadequacy when it comes to staying home…it seems like people support that choice, but after a year or so, they ask, hopefully, “So, are you working?” or “When are you going back to work?” And my LEAST favorite: “What do you do all day?” It’s maddening. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your writing and wisdom. I think I’ve found a lovely kindred spirit in you.

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  • Shea Gilbert

    thanks for your blog….got here via Christi who goes to my church. I find it interesting that now I have 4 kids and still feel inadequate when I have to tell someone I stay at home. I feel like I have to throw in that “I do teach some piano lessons during the week”….

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  • Cathy Lamont

    I was browsing your site and this article caught my attention. You are right that society no longer values the stay at home mom. I have girlfriends that still heckle me for not having a job. Now that I have an almost 18 year old girl, and 14 year old boy, it does not really bother me anymore. I am seeing two beautiful kids growing up with good values and morals, and making (for the most part ;) smart choices. I will be watching my daughter leave for college next year, and while it will hurt my heart to see her leave, I know she will be okay. I was given the honor of getting to know this young lady so completely through our years together that I can rest easy in knowing she will continue to make the right choices for herself on her own. I find great peace in that.
    By the way, it is wonderful that you are writing this blog in honor of stay at home moms. It is important – don’t let the world tell you any different : )

  • Kerra English

    The realization just now dawned on me. I’ve quit my job in full time ministry of the past 8 years (effective in 2 months) to write, to spend more time with my kids (11, and 3), and to follow God’s plan for my life. I’m finding it harder and harder to answer the question – what are you going to do next? It’s because the “that’s nice” looks are what I’m getting in response. There’s more meaning in my calling than a “that’s nice” answer fits. Thanks Mama Monk. I’m with ya!

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  • http://eccedominus.wordpress.com writeroo

    I like you! :) I’ve been reading a couple of your posts and I really like you – thanks for sharing what you are. So encouraging.

  • clappersara

    I’m realizing I’m just finding this post 2 years after it’s written but can’t help to offer what God’s been teaching me as a SAHM of 2 littles. I also struggle with the question of, “So, what do you do?/Do you have a job?” I am so grateful to God that He has provided a job for my husband so that I don’t need to have a job outside the home. Yet I do have a job (it’s just not OUTSIDE the home).

    In our women’s Bible study last year we studied 1 Corinthians and I was so impressed with Paul’s encouragement to serve the Lord WHERE HE HAS YOU. (I think it’s in Chapter 7.) Yes, I have other skills and interests, and perhaps I’ll have a job “outside the home” one day involving those skills or interests. But right now God has me here loving (and struggling!) with these precious children. (Who, of course, aren’t always so precious when my sin sets in!) I’m trying to remind myself that in God’s eyes, I have nothing to be ashamed of when I say, “Yes I do work. At this point in time my job is in my home, focused on my children.” And though I struggle with the “job question,” I’m learning that I don’t need to justify what I do. It’s simple, God has called me to serve Him in my home. God is the only one who matters – who really cares about what I do. (Or at least, that’s what I try to remind myself!)

    Perhaps when the kids are older and are more independent I can focus on serving God somewhere else (whether its a “business” job, going back to school, full-time ministry, etc.). We’ll see where the Lord leads us.

    Sorry that was so lengthy! :)

  • clappersara

    I’m realizing I’m just finding this post 2 years after it’s written but can’t help to offer what God’s been teaching me as a SAHM of 2 littles. I also struggle with the question of, “So, what do you do?/Do you have a job?” I am so grateful to God that He has provided a job for my husband so that I don’t need to have a job outside the home. Yet I do have a job (it’s just not OUTSIDE the home).

    In our women’s Bible study last year we studied 1 Corinthians and I was so impressed with Paul’s encouragement to serve the Lord WHERE HE HAS YOU. (I think it’s in Chapter 7.) Yes, I have other skills and interests, and perhaps I’ll have a job “outside the home” one day involving those skills or interests. But right now God has me here loving (and struggling!) with these precious children. (Who, of course, aren’t always so precious when my sin sets in!) I’m trying to remind myself that in God’s eyes, I have nothing to be ashamed of when I say, “Yes I do work. At this point in time my job is in my home, focused on my children.” And though I struggle with the “job question,” I’m learning that I don’t need to justify what I do. It’s simple, God has called me to serve Him in my home. God is the only one who matters – who really cares about what I do. (Or at least, that’s what I try to remind myself!)

    Perhaps when the kids are older and are more independent I can focus on serving God somewhere else (whether its a “business” job, going back to school, full-time ministry, etc.). We’ll see where the Lord leads us.

    Sorry that was so lengthy! :)

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