A post that ends with grace.

Album cover illustration from E Power Biggs via Kami L on Pinterest

Send out your light and our truth, that they may lead me, and bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling.

Psalm 43:3

The blogging life is the weirdest. Most days, I post something and hope that my mood and my hormones and my common sense all collide with my inner artist and that something beautiful is waiting on the screen for all the readers who will come and listen.

Other times, I realize I let my Crazy out and now everyone knows. Of course, I’ve warned you that she (my Crazy) has always been underneath all the rest of it too. But usually I keep her in her proper (secret) place

But, I want to be honest around here. I want to tell you what’s real in me (as much as I can comprehend it. Who really knows the depths of her own mind, right?) So, yesterday, if it seemed like an anxious pecking bird had shown up instead of Micha, I hope you’ll find that encouraging. We are all anxious birds pecking at something sometimes. All of us hide the Crazy.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with my husband at 4:30 as he gathered his things for his 6:45 flight to San Francisco for work for the next couple of days. I tried to sleep again but it didn’t work and, sure enough, Brooksie was up by 6 anyway. He has a cold and fever and we sat together on the couch drinking milk and coffee, respectively.

Then, I got to work. I had to finish packing. (Yes, packing, again.) This time for a brief visit to my parents, as a sort of “one last fling” while I live in Texas. Also, I want some quality time with my grandmother (who lost my grandfather a little over a month ago), before it’s a lot more difficult to visit.

We rode in planes today, my boys and I. They are such pros at airplanes. August stared out the window and we counted from the moment of acceleration until the plane actually lifted off. (It’s 30 seconds, by the way. It’s always 30 seconds and we count every time.)

I got to Amarillo exhausted and thankful to sit in my parents’ house in the rocking chair, watching the boys find their favorite grandparent toys, only getting up to wipe Brooksie’s snotty nose.

I read your comments in that rocking chair. I read all your kind words about soul care and why I don’t have to defend myself or live in guilt.

Oh, friends. How often to I have to hear those things to believe them? Yes, I believe in soul care. I believe guilt wants to chomp my heart out with its big, angry teeth (and I don’t have to let it!). I believe that I don’t need to prove anything and that what people think of me should not hold the place of honor it tends to hold in my chest.

At the airport, while August ran along the sun warmed window shooting invisible powers out of his hands (at unsuspecting travelers) and Brooksie squatted deep in thought as he watched those tiny cars load suitcases and drag them from plane to plane outside the window, I discovered a voicemail from Molly. She had called to give me a pep talk. “Trust me,” she said. “Italy will change your life. Of course you should be doing this!”

And I sighed a good sigh and gathered the little boys and our packed stroller of stuff into the corner as the file of plane-fillers began snaking toward the airplane’s open door.

Send out your light and truth, I read (then prayed) this morning while Brooksie and I sat on the couch together. That they may lead me. To be led by light and truth. For those good sisters to take the path ahead of me.

Sometimes in my weakest moments, in my most guilt-ridden, most anxiously-centered places, I think the holy hill, the dwelling, is waiting for me when I finally get it together. When I finally improve myself to a place where weakness holds no power over me.

But, the holy hill is up ahead. God’s good light and truth? They’re leading me because of my weaknesses. Light and truth are leading because I can’t see without them. They’re leading me to the holy hill, not because it’s my own doing. But because when I couldn’t make sense of the dark, they arrived: Bright hope.

Here we are again. A post about grace. Of course we are here: a post that starts with Crazy and ends with Grace.

  • http://tanyamarlow.com tanya marlow

    I love this post – it acts as a paradigm for my life- beginning with crazy and ending with grace. It is a great comfort to see both those in your words – I love it all! :-)

  • http://beneathhim.blogspot.com/ amanda

    how weird is it that i found you doing with your yesterday post the same thing i’ve been doing since my husband’s and my return from our very recent trip? i tried so hard to think of something encouraging to say but i just couldn’t stop Feeling Encouraged by you! thank you for all of your sharing, your honesty, all of it.

  • http://www.walkingintheslowlane.blogspot.com Holly

    I say, “Bring on the crazy!” because I don’t want to feel so alone in the world. All of those pieces are what make you so uniquely YOU and I love that. Please don’t hold back parts of you out of fear. For manners sake, maybe, but never fear.
    I love your voice, Micha. And, yes, we are all pecking birds.

  • Carolyn

    I liked the end of this. I’ve been able to see my focus change from “I’ll figure it out once I’m able to deal with my weakness” into seeing how God sustains us and is always leading us onward and upward. Not by my own doing- as you said.

  • http://www.wheretheredfearnsgrow.wordpress.com Lori

    Micha, I am so thankful for your words that sound exactly like what my heart is thinking. Thanks for being courageous and saying them out loud.

  • Nicki

    I’ve been following your blog for a while now, and I just love your candor. I wholeheartedly agree, blogging is an interesting exercise! One day it’s all about cute babies and how our weekends were spent and the next it might be about doubt, how the Father is stretching and shaping us, mercy, grace and fear. And then the next day, we feel silly for letting that all hang out, and we feel the need to tell everyone we’ve stepped back from the ledge and we’re alright!
    How odd it feels to show the world all sides of us when, as you say, we tend to hide our crazy from most people! Thank you for giving a voice to how so many of us often feel, and thank you for not hiding the thoughts that so many of us choose to shove deeper and deeper within ourselves.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T. (@kt_writes)

    Oh Micha, this post makes me feel like you and I have been having conversations all week, sharing our hearts about blogging and doubt, Crazy and grace! Just the first paragraph alone says everything I’ve felt this week about blogging—all my fears about how people will see me and what they think as I hit “publish” on one of those scary, too-real posts. But yes, there is always grace from God, and often it’s extended to us through the people we meet along the way. Thank you for sharing your true self with us here.

  • http://fionalynne.com/blog/ fiona lynne

    Yes to being led by light and truth. From another anxious pecking bird, I’m so glad to be reading you again, being encouraged by your writing again.

    • http://fionalynne.com/blog/ fiona lynne

      Yesterday, Psalm 43 popped up in my liturgy reading for the day and I laughed at how these things work when God is trying to show me something :)

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