The Weight of Not Enough: A Litany, Some Questions

I have a new post over at A Deeper Church today. Here’s an exerpt…

 

I don’t have it in me to write something meaningful. My mind is not enough today.

I’ve been back from Guatemala for a week now and my head is thick and swimmy. Its insides move too slow for recognition. Maybe my mind is made of honey, maybe slime. Either way, I have nothing interesting to say about what should be or what could be.

This morning, I read Nehemiah 10. I read it on the couch in the warm white light of my computer at 6 am. I read about the nation of Israel, making promises to turn from their disobedience, to make God a priority again. I think of how hard it is to change our behaviors with promises. I think about how desire forms deep beneath our bones, deep in the insides of our insides. I think how grace must meet desire first, before any new behavior flows good from it.

Then I hear my two-year-old open his door and pad the floor with quiet steps down the hall. He stands in the doorway of the living room and smiles with his lips tight and his eyes barely slit open, his hair lifted to the sky. I think: Take a picture with your mind so you don’t forget. Then he runs toward me, climbs into my lap.

I don’t pray much after that.

There is breakfast to make and boys to dress and a house to leave by 7:30 am. I don’t lose my temper today. We’re actually on time despite my children’s slow motion dressing of themselves. I remind God about it on the way to school. “Did you notice?” I pray through my slime-filled brain waves. “I didn’t yell at anybody! Even though everybody was slow!”

I imagine God’s sarcastic smile. “You’re golden, Micha,” God says and laughs. Then God’s face turns serious: “You’re a good mom.” And I believe it. I believe God.

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Will you join me over at a Deeper Church today? Here’s the link.


Photo by Matthew Paul Turner



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