This was written by Muse and originally appeared at her blog Between Hope & Fear.
It’s joyful to be a Muslim woman. So says Mohja Kahf. I agree with the sentiment and the substance of pretty much everything she wrote here, but her style bothers me. This is nothing new – I wrote about her earlier as well. But now I want to write out my thoughts on this article.
Starting with the title: “Spare Me the Lecture on Muslim Women.” The article immediately takes on a defensive tone and is off-putting to the reader, even one such as myself who’s “on her side,” so to speak. Who exactly is lecturing her? Most people don’t care who you are, what you worship, and what you wear so long as you come across as a decent human being who connects with them on common issues of importance. Not everything is about us and our scarves. Let’s dispense with the unnecessary self-importance. And if you’re about to represent Muslim women, stop acting like you have a chip on your shoulder.
She starts off talking about the joys of looking at her colorful hijabs and draping the beautiful fabrics on her head. I have to admit that there are days when I enjoy digging through my growing and colorful collection of hijabs and finding the one that looks the best for the occasion. But I find something unreal about her cheery tone. Is it always so fantastic? Can we hear a little bit more about any challenges it poses in this society? Even if hijab is not the linchpin of your spiritual struggle, surely wearing it means something politically significant in this country. What are her thoughts on that?
Ok, even if she wants to focus on the aesthetic and spiritual positives of the hijab, that’s her right, and surely those positives exist. But the article gets progressively more ludicrous. She goes on to say that “most Muslim women” experience God as a genderless Friend. Really? Can we be a bit more careful with the word “most,” especially when it comes to speaking about a topic as intimate, unreachable, and incomprehensible as one’s relationship with God? The whole point of the article is presumably to refute others who usurp the voices of Muslim women and tell them they need to be rescued from their religion and their men. In defending ourselves, lets not fall into the same trap and pretend we speak for “most” Muslim women. I’m also guilty of this – projecting my views on others, assuming that other people must think/feel/experience as I do – so I’ll try to take my own advice.
Alright, that’s not even that bad. But something about her discussion of marriage in Islam strikes me as dishonest. She talks about the mahr requirement, the flexibility of divorce and re-marriage in Islam, the legal right of a wife to be sexually satisfied, and prenups being standard practice. All valid points, surely, but all theoretical. The reality is far from woman-friendly, isn’t it? She briefly recognizes that misogyny often strips away these rights from Muslim women, but says (in the case of mahr) that these rules exist in the law. What good are they if they exist on the books but not in the home and in the courts? None really.
Also, in talking about our own traditions, there is no need to insult and belittle others. It smacks of insecurity, immaturity, and doesn’t win Muslims any friends and sympathizers. For example, in talking about how Muslim women get married, Kahf calls the Western dating tradition “nonsensical.” I can imagine our traditions being extremely nonsensical to others. It might not make much sense to others how a 17-year-old Saudi girl marries a suitor ten years her senior who comes “courting from half a world away.” Extend to others the same respect and understanding you expect.
Another thing that bothers me is the Muslim Martyrdom Syndrome (MMS). Boohoo, nobody gives us credit for having such fantastic rules in our tradition. She does it explicitly at least twice, saying in case of prenups that “Muslim never get credit” for drafting them as standard practice, and that “Muslims don’t get credit for having had that flexibility [in divorce] all along. We just can’t win with the Muslim-haters.” Maybe if we practiced what’s in our tradition, we wouldn’t have to beg for recognition like pathetic fools. The respect of the world, instead of its contempt, would flow naturally. And until we can get our houses in order, we have no right to act superior to others or demand their respect.
Kahf goes on to list a whole bunch of “Islamic law” rulings like little soundbites:
“custody of minor children always goes first to the mother. The Quran doesn’t blame Eve. Literacy for women is highly encouraged by the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad. Breast-feeding is a woman’s choice and a means for her to create family ties … Rapists are punishable by death in Islamic law … Birth control allowed in Islamic law? Check. Masturbation? Let’s just say former surgeon general Joycelyn Elders’s permissive stance on that practice is not unknown among classical and modern Muslim jurists. Abortion? Again, allowances exist — even Muslims seem not to remember that.”
There’s a huge danger in talking about Islamic law like bumper sticker slogans. Legal rulings occur in a context, applied to facts on the ground, taking into account the needs and times of society, and the rulings can be completely different in different madhabs and different situations. Kahf’s approach is the same one that allows others to ridiculously assert that “apostasy is punishable by death in Islam” and “Islamic law says to cut off the hand of the thief.” If one doesn’t understand the nuances of the practice of Islamic Law (as I surely don’t), the best thing to do is to remain silent (or at least qualify our statements) rather than wave our flawed understanding as the banners of absolute truth.
Of course, she closes with how Muslim women had the right to own property before the western world, the example of Khadijah, and Muslim female heads of state. The response to such arguments is to point to the dismal state of some Muslim women all over the world today and ask “What has Islam done for Muslim women lately?” Neither side is right and yet both are right. But this kind of facile score-keeping doesnt advance the discourse.
Editor’s Note: Read Sobia’s take on this same article from yesterday.
Great, great analysis!
“There’s a huge danger in talking about Islamic law like bumper sticker slogans.”
I agree 150%. I find it almost shocking how people with so little knowledge (myself included) see no problem with spouting Islamic law and its interpretation as if it was as easy as reciting the quadratic formula.
While reading the article I honestly thought about taking the perspective you have. I did think about the fact that this is not a reality for many Muslim women. But then, I felt that this may in fact be a reality for some Muslim women, maybe even many, and why not present this image? Why not just enjoy the positive for a bit without taking about the oppressions in great detail. I saw this piece as indulging the side of Muslim women the media rarely sees, for once.
Every community has its problems and we should be dealing with them, but once in a while you want to see a picture of what’s good. However, we can only afford it once in a while. Otherwise we’ll end up like places like the US and Canada whole like to speak of their wealth and status but who forget the conditions of their indigenous peoples or that US wealth was based on the blood, sweat, and tears of Black slaves. But we often mention one without the other.
I love this comment:
“Maybe if we practiced what’s in our tradition, we wouldn’t have to beg for recognition like pathetic fools.”
So true. Usually this is how I feel. I really did have to hold back from making these kind of comments in my review. I’m usually one of the more critical ones of Muslims but in this one made a conscious decision not to be.
I think Sobia makes a great point and did a great review. We need positives, hopeful bursts to keep us going. God knows I’m the same way.
Honestly, this review speaks to my pessimistic, negative side.
I agree with many of Muse’s points about Kahf sounding defensive, boastful, and even kind of oblivious to the real conditions in which many Muslim women today live. These aren’t doing us any favors.
I love this article and the previous one from Sobia, it’s like a double-edged sword. The opposite edge of Mohja Kahf writing points back at us and I think it doing us more harm than good, because it ignores some of Muslim women’s problems. Come on Mohja I can’t even step in most Mosques, and let’s not talk about how marriage laws are practiced! If you want people to believe our words, we should “speak” with our actions (and I doubt you want to go there).
Not to mention the “Muslim Martyrdom Syndrome (MMS)” is very popular in our communities, and we should take people to task for it. “we have no right to act superior to others or demand their respect. This is what confuses me the most, how can we demand respect but yet we insult other people’s traditions, “there is no need to insult and belittle others.” It’s rude, ill-mannered and uncalled for.
Mohja, I for one am not afraid of eating humble pie (and occassionally I have) but right now, I’m more than willing to offer you a slice.
I don’t have much to add but I did want to say that I appreciated both viewpoints (Sobia’s and Muse’s). On the one hand you do want people to stop acting as if being a Muslim woman is that worst thing that anyone can be and it’s nice for people to point out the positives of being a Muslim woman. Then again, I did feel a bit uncomfortable at times reading the piece because it did seem like it glossed over a lot of real issues that Muslim women face. It seems like there is no happy medium. Why can’t we acknowledge the good and the bad? Muslim women have been given rights but our rights have been stepped and spitted on for centuries. We have to look at both sides of the coin.
Speaking of the MMS, Ali Eteraz has term for something similar but I’ve forgotten what it is. From what I understand this is the phenomenon of Muslims attributing everything useful and wonderful in this world to Muslims somehow.
Just to add to that…I guess it’s kind of like how the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding finds the root of all words in Greek.
Is this what you’re talking about, Sobia?
But can’t we talk about what what’s fun and good about being a Muslim woman? Can we acknowledge the good in Islam without constantly stressing the bad? What is the happy medium here?
I agree with Sobia about this representing a lot of Muslim women. The reality of the matter is that some Muslim women are being oppressed in their native countries (and in North America) and others are not. Why do we always have to represent one perspective and call the other inauthentic? Though, I don’t agree with Mohja Kahf and her comments about the “nonsensical” western dating scene.
Yes. That’s it. Thanks for finding that.
“But can’t we talk about what what’s fun and good about being a Muslim woman? Can we acknowledge the good in Islam without constantly stressing the bad?”
Yes we can acknowledge the good, but do we have to becondescending towards others in the process. It’s hard for me because in my youth all I ever heard was this (salafi) unrealstic utopia, superior-inferior praises. And I honestly believe we do not discuss enough about our problems- that’s why we still have them. Especially how we deal with our minorities (this includes women).
Nobody ever wants to talk about the problems, the issues, and in reality there’s never a good time to talk about problems, but we still have to do it. We have made so much process because we have identitifed our problems and taken steps to solving them. Why do many of us ignore our problems? Have we not ignored them for so long.
Why do why have to pretend to the world that Muslim Women are perfect, when in fact we have problems. Who are we trying to save face with it?
Self-criticism is necessary for growth and change, either through personal reflection, pointing out things, or group discussions etc. And self-criticism is an important component of critical thinking because we Must solve the problems that are affecting the quality of our lives.
Jamerican, sister I know what you mean, that we’ve been experiencing this excessive criticism of our communities and it’s hurts. But this excessive criticism is from the outside not from within. And Growth doesn’t come from outside criticizing but criticizing from within ourselves. Self-criticism is not being judgemental or shaming but being humble (that we do have problems, we recognize them and we are attempting to solve them).
So let’s be critical (through analysing and evaluating), Let’s Be Real about our problems so we can fix them. “Let’s Be Real About Muslim Women”.
@laila:
I agree with what you are saying. Believe me, I’ve been criticized many times for always seeming to bring up the negatives in the Muslim community.
However, this particular article by Kahf was addressed to a non-Muslim audience. In which case we have to be extra careful of how we present ourselves. As you said “this excessive criticism is from the outside not from within.” And so this article was for the outside, not the inside. That is why it was nice to see the positive being sort of “forced upon” the outsider who so rarely sees it.
However, I have always believed that we should not shy away from confronting the problems in our community for fear of what others may say. We desperately need to address our problems of racism, sexism, misogyny and homophobia within our own community. And we can do it without creating fodder for Islamophobes. In fact, as I believe Muse herself wrote (I’m pretty sure she did) we would probably actually look good as a community if we addressed our issues instead of blaming them all on some outside agenda. What can the Islamophobes say when we’re trying to fix our own problems?
It’s a great strategy to portray both the positive and negative aspects of the article, but I personally was disappointed with the article.
Apart from her generous usage of “we” and “us”, does the Western audience (her target in the article) really care that centuries ago, Islam brought revolutionary changes to the status of women? Even I don’t.
What matters is the current situation of women, and we all know how bleak it is.
Laila, you know from my blog that I am no stranger to discussing problems that we have in our community. I agree with you that we should not be condescending while highlighting the positives. (Though, I must admit I DO think ‘Western dating’ is nonsensical- and I say that from personal experience, lol).
I guess I’m calling for a happy medium. Sometimes I feel like Muslims and non-Muslims alike are always focused on the negative. For me, it’s less about the pain of accepting the criticism and more about striking a balance between the two. I am not like some Muslims who believe our community is perfect and don’t want accept that we have some real problems. At the same time, I am not like some non-Muslims who think everything in our religion and community is bad.
Ladies, I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for expanding on how you see it, and I’m coming to understand with what you gals mean. I too want a happy medium.
By the way, I just want to be clear, you Ladies are no strangers to discussing problems!
And for that, I salute you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Sobia (I just had to say it)
“However, this particular article by Kahf was addressed to a non-Muslim audience. In which case we have to be extra careful of how we present ourselves.”
I understand it was addressed to a non-Muslim audience, but I read it, and you read it and it’s posted on a Muslim Women blog for other Muslim people to read it. This is in the MEDIA, everyone will reach it and be affected by it. Just like they see all the other Friday Posts of news relating to Muslim women and how depressing many of their plights are.
How should we be extra careful in how we present ourselves? I don’t understand why we have to present ourselves differently among different groups. There’s no need to paint a pretty picture, we should be truthful in all situations. This is why I agree with Fatemah when she says “But something about her discussion of marriage in Islam strikes me as dishonest.” It’s dishonest because this is not the reality, it’s “… all theoretical. The reality is far from woman-friendly, isn’t it? It’s dishonest because it’s hiding the whole truth (the reality of the situation). I don’t why Mohja neglect the reality of some situations, is it because she didn’t want to feed the Islamophobes? She opened this door about “MOST MUSLIM WOMEN”, grouping us all together although some of are realities are different. Perhaps it would have worked better if she spoke for herself or those she knows, instead of “most muslim women”. What is “most Muslim women” is it Muslim women in China, Egypt, or women in Saudi Arabia or North America? Muslim women aroung the world are not all the same, we don’t share all the same realities.
I think Mohja grouping all Muslim women to be monolithic is feeding the Islamphobes, if anything. Do you think by reporting “some” of the sad news about Muslim women creates fodder for the Islamophobes? In that case, should we hide the reality of some* of these issues? I think the Islamophobes will have something to say regardless if we hide issues or not. I think we should present the reality and solutions or steps being taken (and there are measures that are being taken to fight these problems). I feel like by not showing the reality of some situations, we are also ignoring or denying the hard working people trying to improve the situation.
For me her message was just not balance enough, and I believe she should give the same consideration of how she presents herself to you, or another Muslim sister, not just Non-Muslims.
Actually, laila, I can’t take credit for this piece; though I agree with the author when she says that she feels Kahf is dishonest about marriage, I didn’t write it: Muse did.
I see your point about “sanitizing” or “dressing up” our situation, and I agree: the realities can’t be glossed over, and I disliked Kahf’s article because it did just that. But I think there is value in positive representations; we just shouldn’t have to hide our dirty laundry to present some.
This sort of reminds me about the article I wrote about “triple threats and double troubles“. It seems like Kahf’s article comes from this place of defensiveness and damage control (or she could genuinely believe that her article applies to most Muslim women in the world, but that’s a different story) that Muslims are constantly put it in the U.S.
Fatemeh your right, “triple threats and double troubles”!
I feel like damage control takes too much out of us, perhaps we should re-invest it else where.
@Laila
I know what you’re saying. And I do agree that we have to address our problems. But I’m sure by now you have heard of the MCC here in Canada. Pointing out the problems with Muslims is ALL they do and their words and actions have been used by Islamophobes to criticize the whole Canadian Muslim community.
Although I agree that we need to point out our problems, and that is why I understand why the MCC does what it does and I understand their exasperation with so many Muslims’ complacency, I also hate seeing Islamophobes so easily using their words to paint us ALL as complacent. Just because someone isn’t out there speaking up against the crazies doesn’t mean they’re not doing something.
I’m saying that we NEED to find a fine balance between addressing/solving our problems and avoiding Islamophobic reactions.
And maybe I’m a bit pessimistic but I don’t have much faith in our community to be able to do that. We either get out there and bash us all, or we deny any problem exists. These are delicate times which need very delicate handling.
I wonder if there is any initiative we could start as the women of MMW – writers and readers.
Sobia I agree with you and that’s a brillant idea. Count this reader in.
for my part i thought it was lame how she said she wasn’t going to talk about the social and legal inequalities, just the spiritual equality, and yet she jumped right in promoting the social and legal positives, and none of the negatives, although there are plenty. not too honest.
I am just joining this conversation, but I wanted to offer one observation: it seems to me like this author of this op-ed made a clear statement to place “Muslim rights” above “women’s rights” by glossing over all the travails that women who are Muslim face because of sexism that is sometimes, but not always, justified through religion. It’s wonderful that she feels so strongly about her faith complementing her femininity, but to say that Islam provides that same shelter to all women is demonstrably false and in failing to acknowledge it at all she in some ways makes light of it.
The balance between speaking highly of Islam while not glossing over the challenges that Muslim women encounter is a challenging one to find; avoiding and dismantling hierarchies doesn’t happen easily!
Sobia and Muse, your commentary was insightful and informative. Thank you!
ASA-
I have to agree with Jamerican Muslimah on this-anyone familiar with Mohja’s work-from her academic work to her poetry to her fiction-knows that she is the last one to give Muslims -and more specifically the sexism within many communities- a pass. She is often critical of a codified interpretation of the hijab as witnessed in her own practice of how she wears it and when she wears it.
Yet, I think there is space for the sweetness and joy that Mohja talks about and I feel that the call for “realism” that many of you are making to be both unfair and dare I say just as monolithic as your critique of Mohja’s ‘perceived” universalism.
The sweetness is there and it needs to be written. Mohja’s words writhe with humour and I think you have to read this article with a sense of her voice and the tone of spiritual freedom and tongue in cheek-ness that is her writing.
I have to say that after reading the article I allowed myself a much needed smile and feeling of strength in my own Muslimah body and in my own faith in Allah most high’s infinite mercy and wisdom.
Yes, the gender jihad must be fought but there is always time to reflect on the multiple blessings of SOME of our lives. If you cannot pass on to your daughter’s the sweetness they may forget what they are fighting for…
@Samira:
Well said.
very good critique, i am Muslim and really had hard time accepting the argument in “spare me the sermon” article…