In early April, Mukhtar Mai, the Pakistani survivor of a tribal-ordered gang rape who prosecuted her rapists rather than accepting a tradition of suicide after rape, married her bodyguard, Nasir Abbas Gabol.
Scathing condemnations of the marriage came from Pakistani writers, women’s groups, and news outlets. While the circumstances under which she married are troubling, the way that Pakistani media has discussed the Mai and her marriage is equally troubling.
According to AFP, these are the facts:
Nine years her junior, Gabol first proposed in 2007.
When he was rejected he tried to kill himself with an overdose of sleeping pills.
“The morning after he attempted suicide, his wife and parents met my parents but I still refused,” Mai said.
Gabol then threatened to divorce his first wife, Shehla Kiran.
Panicked at the prospect of enduring the stigma of divorce, Shehla sought to persuade Mai — who was married and divorced before her rape — to consent to becoming a second wife.
… On Mai’s insistence, Gabol transferred ownership of his family house to his first wife, agreed to give her a plot of land and a monthly income — all designed to guarantee Shehla’s rights.
In exchange, Mai tied the knot.
But she has no intention of moving to her husband’s village, away from the hive of activity she has created here with the help of aid money.
These are the facts that the media agrees on. By most accounts, this seems like a measured, deliberate marriage, even if an unwanted one. But reading most media analyses, one would think either that Mai was as giddy as a school girl or a traitor to women’s rights.
The AFP article that I pulled all these facts from also paints Mai as a “gushing” bride who is living the “happily ever after” storyline: “Seven years after her ordeal, she may still be a pariah among illiterate and older women but her transformation from victim to queen of her own destiny is complete since becoming the second wife of Nasir Abbas Gabol.”
This completely contradicts an interview she gave to Mag The Weekly, an online Pakistani magazine, in which she said of Gabol’s proposals:
“I knew that Nasir Abbas is a married man with five children. I was concerned about his wife and children and I kept arguing with my family members about the proposal. Then one day, Nasir sent his wife and children to our house. His wife forced me to marry her husband. Her behaviour was very strange to me. My siblings also forced me to accept the proposal. I finally gave up.”
What romance! I can’t think of anything better than being coerced into becoming someone’s second wife by his reckless and selfish behavior! The AFP article inappropriately constructs Mai as some sort of Cinderella whose suffering has been rewarded by a knight in shining armor, not as a woman who has made deliberate moves to counter her suitor’s irresponsible threats.
AFP’s article, however falsely glittery, pales in comparison to the Pakistani reception. An article from the Inter Press Service, written by Zofeen Ebrahim, casts Mai in the role of fallen feminist hero.
Ebrahim writes, “Mai, who has fought a valiant, 7-year-old battle against tradition and patriarchy was suddenly no longer a role model and icon.” So now Mai’s feminist card gets revoked? The article makes it seems as if Mai’s hard work prosecuting her rapists has all been washed away with this marriage.
It also discounts the work she is currently doing. According to AFP:
“Mai runs three schools — two for girls and one for boys — where around 1,000 children from poor families get an education. She heads a staff of 38, half of them teachers, the rest working in her office and welfare centres. They shelter female victims of violence who trek far and wide to seek refuge with Mai, organise seminars to boost awareness of rights, dispense legal aid and operate a mobile unit that reaches out to women in their communities.”
Running schools for girls and education women about domestic violence and their rights? Not feminist at all!
Perhaps if Mai were to give all this work up and move in with her husband, I could understand the condemnations by Pakistani women and feminist groups. But Mai has stipulated that she’s not giving up her schools, her work, or her village. So what’s behind all these accusations of Mai’s feminist treason?
“Mukhtaran Mai has fallen from being a national heroine to a disappointment, even for the media,” asserts Karachi-based Najma Sadeque, a founding member of Shirkat Gah, a non-governmental organisation.
“One wishes she had not done it,” says Naeem Sadiq, a business consultant here who actively campaigns on pro-democracy issues.
Sadiq who considers Mai an “exceptionally brave woman” is concerned that her marriage sends a message that “she is promoting polygamy”.
That’s some serious haterade. Sadiq and Sadeque fail to realize that Mai’s marriage happened the way it did because she is a role model, and is conscious of the messages she sends. Mai’s marriage contract, her conditions that guarantee herself divorce and land and a monthly allowance for Gabol’s first wife, and her commitment to her work and her village send a powerful message that a woman’s marriage does not have to be a submission, but can be a political and social tool.
Mukhtar Mai (R) with her new husband and his first wife. Image via Mag The Weekly.
In all of this condemnation, no one ever mentions Gabol’s irresponsible behavior (suicide, threatening to divorce his first wife, disrespecting Mai’s choice not to marry him). Sadeque says, “I think she shouldn’t have done it since it immediately puts the first wife in a secondary, dispensable and vulnerable position.” This statement completely glosses over the fact that it was Gabol that first put his wife in this position: it was his first wife who, worried over the fact that Gabol had threatened to divorce her because of Mai’s rejections, sought Mai’s acceptance.
Pak Tea House’s coverage, written by Aisha Fayyazi Sarwari, is the only outlet that brought up Gabol’s issues in a way that puts any culpability on him: “There are some troubling signs in this new relationship. One is that the groom, Mr. Gabol is an unstable character, younger and indelibly lacking in the maturity she possesses, and was a little too quick to commit suicide with sleeping pills when she turned him down in 2007.” Sarwari raises issues and concerns about Mai’s marriage without blaming her for them, unlike other outlets.
The majority of media responses to Mai’s marriage play the blame game, pushing all of it onto her and none onto Gabol. Mai has done everything to turn a bad situation into a good one: by turning a marriage with a man she doesn’t want into something that benefits her and all the women and children it touches, she reminds us of her strength and commitment to women’s freedom.
This article originally appeared in Chay Magazine.
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Tags: marriage, Mukhtar Mai, Mukhtaran Bibi, wedding
Can you get any more awesomer Fatemeh? This is what I’ve been feeling all along but I am not as articulate and brainy as you are, so thanks for this!
I also want to say that there seems to be an urban bias in the coverage of Mai’s marriage. Many of the women’s rights groups who are ‘disappointed’ in Mai are evaluating her on the basis of their very urban cultural realities and norms. Rightly or wrongly, I don’t think they’re responsive to the material realities of working-class women in rural Pakistan (and based on my own anecdotal knowledge, I guess also for the rest of South Asia). Mai on the other hand, seems acutely aware of her position, and I admire her for carving out her own path.
And also, not that it matters what she looks like, but I think she looks lovely in the picture above.
May Allah keep her safe and successful.
I wholeheartedly concur with you message Fatemeh, and s.c.’s above. The media have been judging Mai according to Western standards, forgetting that her circumstances and probably, her beliefs are totally different. I think she did a really great thing, saving the women from a divorce, which would leave her ostracized from her community! And the man involved definitely needs to be questioned/analyzed more – its as if he is simply a lovestruck hero…
That was a great analysis and I agree, the circumstances behind the marriage are very troubling.
I agree with Safiyyah that it appears that Mai did a good thing, not a bad thing — she not only saved a woman from divorce (and hence ostracism), but made sure she got a good deal in the polygamous marriage. Not only that, she continues her good work to help girls’ education. It’s outrageous that people are criticizing Mai for this. I think it’s very ironic that while many of her critics insist that polygamy is bad for women, they themselves tend to blame the woman, not the man, for it. It’s as though they are blinded by misogynist ideas themselves (e.g. automatically blame the woman, not the man, for relationship issues), even when they claim to oppose misogyny.
I think the larger looming question that is causing some discomfort is: that by using a polygamous marriage to help another from being ostracized, is she re-inscribing patriarchal norms and codes that continue to keep women at the mercy of men?
So its not just that the woman is saved from ostracism, but that this ostracism is what allows this man to get away with treating his wife, and pressuring Mai. On the other hand, having been the victim of ostracism herself, I empathize with why she made that decision, and how it is really “a lesser of two evils” in that context.
I haven’t fully thought it out, but in spite of it all I also feel uncomfortable with the way she was pressured by this man whose been constructed as some “lovestruck” person.
And as an aside, I heard a few months ago that a number of Bollywood industry persons registered the rights to her story (from my understanding, rights to a movie/script are not procured in the same was as they are in Hollywood). Anyone have news on this? It will be VERY interesting to see how they depict Mai and her story. Bollywood’s history with depictions of Muslim women have ranged from the stereotypical urdu lucknawi courtesan / the headstrong independant woman / rebellious daughter / silent object of affections / militant fundamentalist. I’d be interested in seeing where she fits in, seeing as she defies so many other ‘real’ categories.
Typical press behaviour: build them up and then knock them down at the first opportunity.
[...] Bride Denied: Media Coverage of Mukhtar Mai’s Wedding [...]
Assalamu alaikom,
When I first heard about this, I just felt really, really sorry for her. Everything she’s been through, and now this! But insha’Allah, this marriage does not provide an obstacle to her work and emotional fulfillment!