I am more disturbed by that Muslim women are emphasized as if non-muslim women do not have similar values. Generalizations on either side is unhealthy. Pakistan is more conservative where dating or physical relationships prior to marriage are concerned. Understandably.

Europe was like that not too long ago. “Good and Pure” was equal to intact virginity. I am more disturbed by the less confessional trend of today, where many seemingly muslim males engage in sexual encounters just for the sex and exploitation – not void of power. Such as having your cake and eat it too. The girls are often non-muslim females, who are pressumed to have less value legitimizing to use them for sex. When the very same guys marry, they do not write a memoir, although they do pride themselves and boast about it to the guys all the while marrying a girl, who has saved herself for her husband only. The double standard is striking.

So Eteraz is being more upfront and reflective and eventually learns. In my view, a girl, muslim or not, should be respected. So I am not keen on this singling out this as Muslim women being victims, because it is conscentual sex. So each is responsible for their own deeds. I think Eteraz which he also describes was caught in this identity crisis – the very conservative religious upbringing and gender segregation in Pakistan and then the less restrictive society of the U.S. With time he found his balance. Afterall we live and learn. Also must be kept in mind, guys mature late in age. As far as his admiration for his mother is concerned, I think, that relates more to her eventually stepping out of the extreme way of belief. This is not easy especially when your husband is not following suit. You have more to lose.

I have more hope for somebody like Eteraz than say, guys with double standards, who go for the virgin bride while being sexually promiscuous/active themselves.. Because they most likely will not learn and they will instill similar thinking in their male offspring. I too view Eteraz’s experiences as more of an explorative nature than exploitive.

That said, muslim girls today, even if they wear a scarf or otherwise appear modest, do engage in sex not just in the West but also Middleeast/Asia (i.e.hymenoplasty and hymen repair is availed by many). So treat this book as a personal memoir and keep an open mind.

“To me, Eteraz’s relationships are not about power – they are about exploration and a desire to know the opposite sex, something that is at odds with the way he understands religion.”

I really did not interpret the women in the this book as you have Raaz, although I can appreciate your view. I think we’ve become really expectant of men using women that viewing these relationships as explorations seems difficult. But given the backdrop of conservative Islam, to me, these relationships, as described in the book, do indeed seem to be genuine explorations as opposed to exploitations.

The issue of defamation only arose when based on your editorial policy — remember you edited my comment — I saw a double standards i.e. Eteraz’s character could be attacked, but when someone (me) questioned the character of those doing such attacks, I got edited. Why is that? I probably should not have bothered with lecture about defamation law. However, you need to know very clearly, that character only came up because i) it was raised by the reviewer and ii) it was raised by a commenter. You should have stepped in at THAT point. As it appears now, it looks like you will defend the writers of your website, but not commenters who question their conclusions. That’s not objectivity. That is favoritism.

Finally you made me chuckle when you used the phrase “evil Muslim feminists of MMW.” You can’t be an evil Muslim feminist, Fatemah, if you are not a feminist to start with. Everything I have seen in this discusison suggests  that you — at least the reviewers and the other commenters — think that women are easily manipulated and play no role in the decisions they make. I do not want to portray women as manipulating bitches, but I do think it is pertinent question as to why women are automatically put in the role of victimization, when in fact I have seen some very strong and very coervice women in my life (some of us might be such) and some very weak and misled boys.

Yusra: I think you need to read the law (including case law) or go see a media lawyer, if you make a reckless claim based on a literary work than you can be taken to court. When you make a reckless character accusation then you can be prosecuted. You can form an opinion on the literary work. However, if you express that opinion and the expression of that opinion causes harm to the other person than you can be taken to court for your recklessness. The point being that your opinion and behaviour has caused harm to another person. The right to “think” or have an “opinion” does not mean that you have the right to express the opinion without consequences. The litigious issue is not having an opinion but expressing the opinion, which is not a protected right.

Nevertheless, you did not express an opinion on Eteraz’s work, but attacked Eteraz’s character, based on a review, without any substantiated proof. The difference is subtle but a significant one. Further, as previously mentioned, if you are going attack someone else’s character than your character is open to an attack i.e., it gives others right to attack your character.

Defending character of Islam: The definition of a believer is very broad, and I am not going to get into that debate. However, just because you are believer does not mean that you have a right to make unqualified statements about another person’s faith. If you feel so deeply moved by Eteraz’s action that you feel the need to comment on his action vis-à-vis character of Islam (assuming this means portrayal of Islam by Muslims), irrespective of your own shortcomings (unless you can categorically state you have none), than may be you should have made a qualified statement e.g., you could have written: “I am promiscuous and slutty (adjectives, not implying you are either) but do not think Eteraz …. (whatever it is that you think Eteraz does or not do for Islam” (I don’t think the book makes or even aims to make a point about Islam as a religion but that is another issue). However, this is not what you did. As a matter of fact, you do not even do it in your second comment.

Rights of privately owned site: Just because the site is privately owned does not mean it does not have to comply with the law or it can be discriminatory in application of its policy. The same way private companies cannot work outside the premises of the law or their companies’ policies. When they do, they open themselves to claims of discrimination.

@Fatimeh: my complaint regarding your editing policy had nothing to do with support Eteraz has received. It had to do with a fact that you unjustifiably edited my comment, while you didn’t apply the policy in the same manner to others. Further, that you cannot use different standards to judge character of individuals.

@ Raaz: I am actually disappointed at you for assuming that the women in Eteraz’s book had no agency. This is wrong on many levels:

(a) You are assuming that Eteraz has incorrectly stated those events, unless you can prove that you should not be making any such assumptions.

(b) You are implying that women are complete imbeciles because they would just let a young teenager manipulate them and make them do things that they would otherwise not do. This is actually extremely degrading to women and feeds into the stereotype of women not being their own people, or being incapable of being rational or being good judges of character and situations. How exactly are women suppose to demand that they be treated as an equal if we are implying that they can be manipulated so easily? As mentioned in your post, we are not talking about a woman; we are talking about multiple women;

(c) If we are going to talk about gender equality than we need to discuss women’s culpability in such situations. There are many women involved, from various backgrounds and of various age groups. Is the argument seriously that they were all charmed by Eteraz and had no role to play in these situations? (This also applies to my questions below.)

(d) Are we assuming that males are always guilty in such situations by nature of their gender and women are innocent victims? As subtext to the above question:

(i) Do some Muslim women have an inherent gender bias towards men? From reading your review and comments, it appears that you have an automatic assumption that Eteraz is in wrong because he is a man. Your entire premise is based on one statement (see below).

(ii) Why do women continue to portray women as victim? Is it because it is easier to blame others than face the truth about women?

(e) There are number of women mentioned in the book, and even if one is to assume your allegation that Eteraz’s has amazing manipulative prowess, why are so many Muslim women looking for sexual relationships online?

(d) If we are for some reason to accept your allegation of these women’s gullibility, then the simple question that needs to be asked is why are Muslim women so stupid and idiotic?

(e) Were these women manipulating Eteraz? The entire premise of Eteraz’s manipulation is based on a statement that he makes about his state of mind at a particular stage in his life. It is not uncommon for young men to feel that they have an upper hand in a relationship, when they really don’t. Women do lead men to believe this in many situations. As a matter of fact, there are number of books on relationships, which actually encourage women to make the men feel in control of relationship so that they can control the situation. Is this what happened in Eteraz’s case?

(f) It is not uncommon in Muslim cultures (or for that matter others) for women to use their sexuality to attract and “trap” men. Were these women using a young teenager with limited sexual knowledge for their gain? In the book, we are explained Eteraz’s situation very clearly. He has lived very desexualised life in terms of what information is available to him. His only source of sexual knowledge is Internet. Do women, who are more exposed to sexuality, exploit boys like him online, boys who believe they are in control of situation but are actually naïve about sexual relationships? It is very clear from the reading of the book (even if written from Eteraz’s perspective) that the women involved had sexual maturity.

(g) This was just a case of horny teenagers doing what they do, and the only reason it is appears so convoluted is because it highlights the hypocrisy of Muslim society and are ostrich like attitude. Muslim teenagers are forced to deal with these issues in the most strange manner and Ali’s book highlights that bizarre issue.

The most annoying thing about your review is how it completely ignores everything else in the book and that it is completely out of context. Your review is completely devoid of various dynamics that are occurring in the book, the various phases of Eteraz’s growth, his mental state and his personal struggle. It so narrowly focuses on a non-issue (one statement) without reference to other things in the book. It appears (possibly incorrectly) that you have used Eteraz’s book (wrongly) to make a preconceived point and to vindicate your self.

Also, if you had actually done some research online, you would have come across number of initiatives that were started and run by Ali on women focus issues e.g. initiatives in relation to Women Protection Bill in Pakistan and Stoning of Women in Iran. The footprint of his work is still available online. It might have given you a better perspective about the author. However, given that you were writing a book review, why should you do research about the author.

@ Jaded-I would not go so far as to call Eteraz’s mother the “hero” of the book. As it is a memoir, it shows Eteraz’s journey to define his own self-identity (I don’t think there are really any heros/antiheros here–just a single protagonist as he goes about his life). While his relationship with his mother is important, I do not think that she played a prominent role in being the major catalyst for Eteraz’s change towards the end of the book–while she certainly has an influence, I wouldn’t go so far as to say “This is what probably makes Eteraz turn towards reform and helping Muslim women in the last part of the book.”

In regards to your opinion on the women Eteraz encounters–it is not for me to judge them for lacking “innocence,” as you claim. As the book is written from Eteraz’s perspective, I was able to infer from the text his tendency to “manipulate” the situations he was in. I am unable to do the same for the women he presents–there is not much insight into what their motives might have been when compared to Eteraz’s personal insight.

I am disappointed by the easy assumptions you make in assigning the “blame” of Eteraz’s sexual relationships on women. This does nothing to advance and further the important discussion of gender relations as presented in the book and in the Muslim community at large.

@ luckyfatima-I wish I had come across his blog before it was removed! I am relatively new to the blogosphere and was not aware of the existence of the blog until I heard of this book. I would have loved to read it to get a better sense of his character. I, like you, had hoped to see a stronger female presence during the last section of the book and look forward to seeing how, and if, his views towards women are reflective of his new “ideological maturation” in his future work.

@ Safa-You ask some very important and thoughtful questions that most Muslims are afraid to mention and discuss freely. We live in a society that is quick to judge others whose actions are seen as subversive in relation to what is conventionally old-school appropriate. The questions you mention above need to be addressed in order for Muslims to form healthy relationships from their onset.

I have done my best, Safa, not to “pathologize” Eteraz in my analysis–I was interested in the way he describes his relationships with women and wanted to present this for further intelligent discussion. I agree that it is something that readers can be quick to do, but it is far more important to ask ourselves what we can glean from his relationships in a way that sheds insight into both the book and our own personal relationships.

Thank you for your reminder that the use of “deflowering’ is “archaic and insulting towards women”–it should instead read “Eteraz relishes his power to potentially have sex with women who appeared to be sexually unavailable.” (Fatemeh, could you please make this change with a disclosure in the post?)

And thank you also for taking issue with this quote: “…forming a healthy relationship with another human being would require a lack of power…” Instead of a “lack of power,” Eteraz has to relinquish having the upper hand in his relationships–this is a reflection of the state of power in his relationships, but by no means is it a “lack of power,” as you mention.