In Honor of International Women’s Day I’m Taking My Kids to the Doctor

As Salaamu Alaikum – Peace be upon you – and howdy all.

So today is International Women’s Day?  Hmm, managed to forget to put that on my calendar.  Well, I’ll try to celebrate anyway.  I got off to a good start.  I made an empowering pot of coffee and indulged myself by using real half and half instead of powdered creamer.  I toasted a very feminist and independent bagel for my husband, who was taking care of his dad before heading off to work.

The highlight of my day as an International Woman of Strength and Determination will be taking three of my children to the doctor. They are all suffering from various strains of the creeping crud.  I am wielding a can of Lysol like a sceptre of royalty and keeping my ears perked for the sound of imminent retching.

After we return from the doctor, I plan to independently and decisively clean the bathroom, which includes scrubbing my white porcelain throne and trying to chisel dried toothpaste from the underside – the underside – of the sink basin.  I plan to do so while whistling Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar”.

I will honor my body with exercise, chasing two escaped chickens back into their enclosure after they have managed to dig up my neighbors spring bulbs.  I will nourish myself with leftover beef ravioli and stale crusts of panini bread abandoned by my children.

In the evening, I will stimulate my mind by watching “Jeopardy” after sitting through the last ten minutes of “Wheel of Fortune” and making fun of Pat Sajak’s hair.  I will make a soothing elixir of strong sweet tea with milk and then forget to drink it as the non-ill child remembers he has a project due and I have to run to the store to buy modeling clay, glue, paint, and a box suitable for a diorama portraying the entirety of American history.

I will declaratively and firmly send my children off to bed after stories of women’s empowerment (and children’s obedience) and fall asleep to the background music of Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. In the middle of the night, I will awaken as my bladder independently and forcefully lets me know that the tea I finally drank (cold and with a film on top) cannot wait until morning to depart.  Then I will tiptoe silently down the hall and check on sleeping children, trip over a black cat masquerading as a pile of my husband’s socks, step on a Lego, and avail myself of my right of free speech with whispered curses.  Then I will return to bed and sleep soundly until my alarm clock wakes me for another day as an International Woman of Strength and Determination (and exhaustion).

So what do you have planned for the day?

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