this post is all about sex and masturbation

jesus masturbated cartoon by nakedpastor david hayward

Of course we know Jesus didn’t masturbate because he didn’t have a penis. That part about him being circumcised was just a Jewish gloss because God is nothing so why would he become a Jew?

I remember the shock I felt when a bible college professor posed the question, “Did Jesus go to the bathroom?” I was shocked because we all know Jesus didn’t have a bum because God doesn’t have a bum. Jesus didn’t need a bum because he ate so perfectly, so purely, so cleanly, that he produced no waste. God is not a God of waste. Jesus didn’t give a shit.

Jesus wasn’t attracted to women. Never even thought about them. Because he knew they are all daughters of Eve. They might have been attracted to him because they’re like that. But he felt nothing.

Have you read Rachel Held Evans’ post, “Christians and Masturbation”. It’s funny but she used “&” instead of “and” in her title, so the blog link says “christians masturbation”. What is Christians masturbation? You do it in church? While saying the Lord’s Prayer? Or “Oh God Oh God Oh God”? Do you suck on a Testa-mint after? No. You go to hell. That’s what you do after you Christian masturbate.

I remember as a teenager going with my family from conservative Canada to visit family in Lakewood, California. We went to church on Sunday morning and I went to young adults Sunday school and the whole time a panel of young adult youth leaders talked about masturbation. I was interested because I was familiar with the subject and wanted to know if I was going up or down when I died. I didn’t leave there with any more clarity. Different strokes for different folks. What a surreal hour that was.

Talking about sex, have you seen this post, “Pastor’s Wife Launches Sex Blog, Jenny Price”? It’s not really a sex blog, but it reminds me of the days when talking about sex in church was treacherous and sexy and cool. Now it just seems silly to see such conservative approaches to sex and marriage and the attempt to impose them on every living breathing creature out there. You know… things like women are crock pots and men are microwaves. But I want to be your steamroller, baby! This is all about sex and marriage in the Christian ghetto.

Oh! Here’s a really curious but short video interview of Pete Rollins called “The Church Makes Sex Dirty… and that’s Why it’s Fun!”. I find it curious because of the implicit admissions he’s making that just a few years ago would have destroyed his career speaking to church groups. Times… they’re a-changin!

And you’ve probably heard that Tony Jones suggests that it might be time for Christians to celebrate pre-marital sex and that maybe pre-marital sex isn’t so bad. I’m interested to see where this is going.

Fasten your seat belts. We’re getting our sexy back!

About David Hayward

David Hayward runs the blog nakedpastor as a graffiti artist on the walls of religion where he critiques religion… specifically Christianity and the church. He also runs the online community The Lasting Supper where people can help themselves discover, explore and live in spiritual freedom.

  • Gary

    Got my “sexy back” quite a few years ago and have never looked back. For sex advice I recommend absolutely staying AWAY from the church. This is one of the subjects most churches have totally fucked up.

  • Aviatrix

    “Jesus didn’t give a shit”. Thanks, David – now I have to clean coffee off my Mac.

    About time somebody got real about plain old real life. Of course, church isn’t about what really is – it’s about what some people think “ought” should be. For everyone. On pain of – well, something. Ah, control! And if you can’t control yourself, impose as much as you can on others.

    Sorry, I’m pretty cynical at the moment. No coffee yet – it’s on the computer. Hee.

  • http://nakedpastor.com/ nakedpastor

    poor mac :(

  • http://www.gadel.info/ GADEL

    Hmm. A bit confused about this post though.

  • Steelwheels

    This reminds me of what a friends once said about “sex” and being “sexy”.

    “Sex is about so much more than “sexy.” Sex is about helping your wife recover for months from a very difficult delivery, a baby you sort of had something to do with; sex is about loving the wrinkles and grey hair. Sex is about sitting by the bed wishing you could be the one suffering instead of them. Sex is about still feeling off balance when you have to go without your wedding band for some reason. It’s about staying together through times when you don’t feel in love, don’t feel dedicated, don’t feel committed but remembering that before God and His church you made a promise, a covenant, and you’ll honor it. “Sexy” in our culture is a sad, pale cartoon made up of too much cleavage, too little self-respect, too much butt-crack humor and tramp-stamp, and overly tight clothes; it testifies to emptiness, a hunger, but not real desire. Lots of energy, but is it really passion? Lots of smoke, but not a fire to light your life, warm your soul and nourish your heart. The eyes of the goddess are painted, but the eye-holes are empty. The courtesan looks alluring, but the heart is stone-cold. As long as we keep chasing “sexy” we’ll never find the real thing. Instead, we get Madonna and Lady Gaga. And we deserve them.”

  • klhayes

    Hahahaha! This totally highligths the middle school mentality that Fundamentalists have about sex. Here in a America, we have this “curious to the point of giggly, yet horrified” attitude aobut sex. For a long time, I think many see it as a necessary evil to keep the human race going.
    Religion has to tried to elevate sex to something sacred in an attempt to remove the guilt but in a way has forced people to try and separate themselves from their genitals. Again, it is about control.

  • Gary

    You paint a picture of polar opposites as if it is not possible to be both. I believe this is a false dichotomy. As long as we maintain the false belief that sex and sexiness are “dirty” we will never have the freedom to embrace all that they both can be.

  • klhayes

    I agree Gary. Society HATES strong women who are also sexy. We have worked so hard to separate sex from our body to be pure.

    You do not have to be Madonna or Lady Gaga to be sexy and a woman can be sexy AND smart. I remember reading a article on my favorite singer/songwriter and she was talking about how you have to be sexual to have a baby who we view as innocent b/c they know nothing about sex. Our sexuality has the power to create something most people consider pure and innocent. The two are linked.

  • Steelwheels

    Hey Gary,
    I don’t see it as a false dichotomy; having to choose between A or B. It seems to be saying, to fully enjoy A happens when B is there also.

  • Gary

    It is your characterization of sexiness that I disagree with. I believe it is entirely possible to be sexy, even visually, and still be something other than a “stone cold” heart. I also disagree with the notion that the only way to fully enjoy sexuality is in a lifetime committed monogamous relationship. (I have been faithfully married for 30 years by the way)

    I happen to believe the stereotypical church notion (all sex outside of marriage between 1 man and 1 woman is inferior at best or even downright sinful at worst) is completely false. And because of this false stereotype, we see anyone who publicly embraces their sexuality as immoral, slutty, and sinful. This is what I mean by the false dichotomy. If someone is sinful it is between them and God, and it is not their “sexuality” (whether it matches your ideal or not) which makes them sinful.

  • klhayes

    Sex is supposedly sacred but also evil…that is a very schizophrenic view of sex and sends a lot of mixed signals.

    Is it wrong for a husband to find his wife sexy? Is it wrong for a wife to act sexy with her husband?

    And what gets me is many who are horrified by unmarried or people of the same gender having consensual sex seem to downplay the trauma of sexual assault or want us to see the possible good in it or figure the victim really wanted it. Again, very schizophrenic.

  • http://www.abicana.com/shop2.htm Knut Holt

    Do not worry your head with too much philosophy, folks. Instead, learn to have a good time with yourself: http://www.abicana.com/masturbation.htm


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