Dear Readers of NLQ,
You may have noticed that it has been a while since I posted an installment of my chronological story. I was doing some “research” in order to get more writing done this morning. I dug out my old journal kept during the time of my clinical depression and subsequent treatment. When I read it, I was so enraged at the pain and abuse inflicted on me, I was too angry to write coherently.
I stomped around the house swearing for a while.
I was so dependent on my ex for every thing – emotionally, physically spiritually. I was angry at the hell he put me through so he could follow “God”. I was angry at myself for not being what I thought he wanted me to be but mostly I was angry at the abuse that I really didn’t aknowledge before. When all this was actually happening, Vyckie and I were talking in my bedroom during a home church service. We were happily nursing our babies and I was telling her some of my woes. She said right out that my ex was emotionally abusing me. I didn’t see that at all. It was something that I was doing wrong. I wasn’t submissive enough. I wasn’t meek enough, I wasn’t spiritual enough, understanding enough.
I beat my self up over my failure. And I begged my ex to meet me half way. When he didn’t…I hated him for it. And then I felt guilty, guilty, guilty. I saw it in my journal.
For the last few years, I have been labeled the bad guy in the demise and death of my marriage. It is my fault somehow and my ex is the victim. After I read my journals, I saw that who ever thinks that this was Laura’s fault is wrong. Maybe I should publish them in all their painful glory. Maybe then those folks who think that I am such a horrible person for “abandoning my children” will get off their pious horse and see the hell that drove me to leave.
Ok…I am done..I will get to work on my story…I just wanted to explain why I haven’t continued it yet.
More from Laura: