It seems crazy to me now ~ but the thought of divorcing Warren did not seriously enter my mind until three days before I went to my attorney and filed the paperwork.
Even at the height of my exasperation, when I could clearly see that Warren’s behavior with the children was abusive and was slowly, day by day, crushing their spirits and stunting/warping their emotional growth ~ divorce was NOT an option.
Among evangelicals there’s a popular quote from Ruth Bell Graham ~ wife of evangelist, Billy Graham: I’ve never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage ~ but, I did think of murder a few times.
That was me too. At one point, I was desperately praying to the Lord for wisdom and direction ~ What should I do? How can I protect my children from their father’s tyranny and crazymaking?
“Till death do us part …” I remember thinking ~ “Oh great ~ he’s so healthy! He’ll never die!” As I was praying, I honestly told the Lord that if death was the only way to end the relationship which was killing me slowly ~ Please, Lord ~ have mercy ~ put me out of my misery and just take me now!
But no ~ that would leave Warren with the children ~ and them without me to run interference to at least in some way mitigate the harm that was being done by their own father. I told Warren more than once that the way he micro-managed and harassed the kids, he was going to end up a very lonely old man ~ because the minute they had a choice about it, none of them would want to be around him.
“I know it,” he would admit ~ and I could see that he really wanted to change ~ and he was actually trying to change. Nevertheless ~ for all our wanting and trying ~ nothing ever really changed.
“Lord Jesus,” I prayed silently and with a feeling of great dread in my heart, “I know I cannot change Warren. You can change Him ~ but it’s such a slow process, a little glimmer of hope here, a speck of encouragement there ~ and in the meantime, he is permenantly damaging the children’s personalities. If You cannot change him in time for it to make a difference for the children, please … just kill him with a quick accident or heart attack.”
The instant I prayed it, I was filled with guilt and shame. I was mortified because, really ~ I did love my husband but at the same time, I wished he was dead. I felt like a murderer (there’s a verse about that) and I hated myself for even being capable of such evil thoughts toward another human being.