Daughter of the Patriarchy: Ripping the Moorings Part 2

by Sierra

My mother is stubborn.

My father jokes that it’s the Polish in her (and me) that makes us clutch ideas so hard they fuse with our fingers and become permanent fists of stony resolve. This tenacity kept my mother with my father, kept her in church despite the disapproval of other women, kept her homeschooling me against everyone’s wishes and kept her focused with faith on the promise of the future. My mother is the kind of woman who will make this world a better place or die trying, and then come back and haunt the place until the job is done. She is physiologically incapable of giving up.

The problem is, she’s not invincible.

As I was settling into college life and trying to overcome the guilt I felt over the loss of my kitten and the loss of my mother’s car, I took solace in one thing: the knowledge that my mother’s lot was going to improve. She was going back to school with me.

My mother was enrolled in Ellis College, an online degree program offered by NYIT. She loved her correspondence courses, happily barricading herself in the room with the computer and writing creative papers that earned her accolades from the teaching staff. She was able to transfer in the credits from her hard-won Associate’s degree, so in a matter of a couple of years she was getting ready to graduate with her bachelor’s degree.

My mother’s parents hadn’t seen this kind of thing as a worthwhile pursuit. They paid for college for their four sons, but they offered her nothing. That wasn’t what girls in the late 1960s were supposed to be thinking about. A woman didn’t need to work, they reasoned.

My mom saw things differently.

She worked her way through her Associate’s degree in computer science, graduating in 1978. She loved her jobs, working at a bank where everyone supported her educational goals and celebrated with her when she announced her pregnancy with me. After I was born, she decided to be a stay-at-home mom, but she also taught computers to public-school kids while I was a toddler. The first computer in our house was a TANDY. I learned to use DOS when I was about six. My mother also worked as the bookkeeper for my father’s small business, which he’d started when I was born and was going strong throughout my childhood. These skills would later support her as an administrative assistant in hospitality.

Although my mother believed that staying home with children was best, she never slowed down or scaled down her dreams for my future. I was going to graduate from college. End of story.

In the second-to-last semester of her online degree program, a crisis drove her off course. The financial aid office at her college informed her that the administrator who was handling her account had failed to submit her paperwork on time. Suddenly, three courses from graduation, she found herself unable to register for her final semester unless she could pay the $6000 bill for the dropped semester. Although she fought the decision (after all, it hadn’t been her mistake in the first place), the office refused to budge. Lacking the resources to hire an advocate or the energy to continue arguing, my mother eventually put on her soldier’s mask and brushed it all aside. She would focus on work. She would take care of my sick father. God would open another door eventually, in His time.

I watched this happening with helpless open hands. I had just started college myself. I was wracked with guilt already for leaving. I will fix this thing, I vowed to myself fiercely. If I do nothing else in this life, I will help my mother go back to school. I will win back what was stolen from her.

But I was nineteen and broke, with one shot of making it in school. What was I going to do?

I committed myself to my own school work, but my heart ached at my mother’s silence. She smiled at me and said it was more important to her that I go to school right now, and she would find a way to go back later. I gritted my teeth, because I knew that this was an unfulfilled promise in the making. My mother was giving up her dream for mine, and I couldn’t accept that.

I presented my mother with my unofficial transcript at the end of my first academic year. I had a 4.0. It was a pitiful offering to the woman who should be walking in a graduation ceremony right now, but I wanted her to know that I had worked for her sake and would keep doing so. If nothing else, I could make her proud. She’d had a 4.0 too. I was only following her example.

As I press forward now, at the forefront of my mind is always how I am going to give back to my mother. She invested her life in mine and I want her to know that she is still valuable. She still matters. Her dreams count just as much as mine.

Hey mom, if you’re reading this, I love you.

The lovely lady in the photo is my mother. I’m Kate, and her name is Mary Ann. Seven years ago, she was enrolled as a student at Ellis College of NYIT, one semester away from graduating with her bachelor’s degree after two decades of raising, homeschooling and preparing me for college, while working at my dad’s small business and various odd jobs. Then, just as she was about to register for her last semester, the financial aid office announced that someone in the office had failed to submit her financial aid documents in time, and she was now on the line for the cost of the last semester and barred from registering for the new one. I was 19, and could only watch helplessly as she received “no” after “no” and finally stopped trying to fight the decision. She had to drop out. She quietly said that God would open another door for her one day, then she put on her soldier’s face and moved on with life.

 
For the past seven years, it has been one of my life’s most important goals to help my mother go back to school. But as a graduate student, I have been up to my eyeballs in financial difficulty myself. About a month ago, I discovered that this coming academic year (2012-2013) is the last year in which former students of Ellis College can get their degrees. The College has been closed and faculty relocated to Ellis University and back to NYIT’s brick-and-mortar school. Ellis students now are eligible to take classes online via Empire State College, SUNY, to make up any missing credits and earn their degrees. But after June 2013, that won’t be true anymore. This is therefore my last year to try to help my mother go back to school.
 
My mother’s parents weren’t big believers in girls going to college, so they gave money to her brothers but not to her. But my mother is stubborn. My father says it’s our Polish heritage. My mom is the kind of person who will make this world a better place or die trying, and even then come back and haunt it until the job is done. She worked her way through an A.S. in Computer Science and graduated all by herself in 1978. And she never let anything stand in the way of her daughter (me) going to school. I want to return her investment in me. I want her to know that she is still worth it.
 
The trouble is, I’m still a grad student. No matter how I push the numbers around, I can’t quite make it work. The number attached to this story is the amount it will take for me to pay off her debt from that last semester. I have a letter from NYIT that guarantees she will be readmitted and allowed to graduate with her bachelor’s degree this year if I can pay the bill.
 
I haven’t told my mother that I’m looking into this yet. I don’t want to get her hopes up and find out that I can’t follow through. Will you help me bring her dream back to life and give this story a happy ending? - The Happy Ending Project

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 |Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 |

Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21

Comments open below

Read everything by Sierra!

Sierra is a PhD student living in the Midwest. She was raised in a “Message of the Hour” congregation that followed the ministry of William Branham. She left the Message in 2006 and is the author of the blog the phoenix and the olive branch

The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

 

 

About Suzanne Calulu

CLOSE | X

HIDE | X