Quoting Quiverfull: Sex on Demand Stops Porn Usage?

by Vaughn Ohlman from True Love Doesn’t Wait – Pornography II: The Married Man

Ok, so unmarried men should marry on account of fornication, particularly pornography. But what about the married man? How should a married man deal with his issues of pornography? What does Scripture say?

Scripture does actually have an answer for that as well. A specific answer. But unfortunately this answer, too, is rejected by the world… and the church. Indeed we don’t have to search far to find the answer. Immediately after the passage that says that, because of fornication, every man should have his own wife, the Scriptures say that the married man and his wife must not fail to come together, sexually.

This passage echoes Proverbs chapter five; where the married man is encouraged, nay, commanded to rejoice with the wife of his youth to keep him from the strange woman. The two are seen as polar opposites. The young man is seen as either rejoicing with the breasts of his wife, or embracing the bosom of a stranger.

Pro 5:15-23 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings. His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins. He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.

I was asked to ‘advise’ the married man struggling with pornography. Obviously advice is dependent upon counseling an individual in individual circumstances. What we dispense here is not individual advice, but general Biblical counsel. And the general Biblical counsel is that he should rejoice with the wife of his youth.

I heard a man the other day speaking of his physical relationship with his wife. And he almost boasted that he never told his wife that he was, ummm, ready unless he determined that she was, ummm, ready. That he considered it unloving to ask when he was unsure of the answer.

Book after book by Christian authors teaches the same thing. Sexual satisfaction is seen not as an antidote to fornication, but as a (rare) expression of mutual desire. When the mood is right, when you have time, when the kids are asleep or, better, over at the neighbors house… these are the times when the ‘romance’ can bloom. Anything less is considered unloving.

Which is, unfortunately, the opposite of the truth. The truth is that coming together, frequently, for the prevention of temptation is literally commanded by Scripture. And we know that the commands of God are love themselves, the very definition of love.

Seriously, men, is it loving to expose yourself to temptation that God specifically tells you to avoid, and tells you how to avoid? Why do we invent ideas of love that fly exactly in the face of God’s commands? Why do we take God’s good gift and reject it, substituting our own brand of piety, of abstinence from that which is not supposed to be abstained from?

Col 2:20-23 Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances, (Touch not; taste not; handle not; Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?

Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.

I have noticed something recently. Christians seem willing to defend the most obscure doctrine to the death, searching out vague reference after vague reference. But they seem unwilling to accept the clearest exposition of politically incorrect doctrine.

But I was asked, and so I answer: Scripture clearly teaches that the married man is to seek out his wife, sexually, continuously… and that a failure to do so will expose a man to temptation, a married man. The kind of temptation that marriage is deliberately designed to prevent is the kind of temptation we expose ourselves to when we ignore or even contradict God’s clear commands!

Ok, by now my audience is howling, “What about fleeing fornication?” Ie what about telling them just to not do it, to leave, to put their computer in a room where everyone can see it, to install a blocker, etc.

Those are all great. But you can find those preached elsewhere. I don’t preach to the choir. What you will find here is a little more direct, a little more, well, Biblical.

Christ warned us about something, about what happens when an evil spirit goes out of a man, and yet nothing replaces him:

Mat 12:43-45 When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.  Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.

Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.

How can we not apply this to the man who, through his own strength and in rejection of the clear word of God, merely attempts to ‘remove’ the spirit of fornication, but does nothing to replace it? Proverbs five is clear, it is the one or the other. ‘Nothing’ is not an answer for the married man. I Corinthians 7 is clear, he is required to seek out his wife, routinely, continuously, or suffer the consequences.

And now I approach, with fear and trembling, the role of the wife. I am afraid that most wives have been lied to, pretty much all of their lives. They have been fed the lie, from church, father, mother, girlfriends, books, movies; that they are to be ‘picky’. That their body belongs to themselves, and that the most ‘womanly’ thing to do is to be very picky about exactly when and how they ‘give it away’.

Scripture is much more crude, much more blunt, and much more basic. In Scripture men are said to turn to Sodomy when they leave off ‘the natural use of the woman’(Rom 1:27).

Scripture contradicts the basic premise of ‘pickiness’. It states that the body of the wife belongs to the husband, even as his body belongs to her. And these belongings, far from cancelling out, result in a mutual obligation to sexual satisfaction. We are not called to come together when the time is perfect for both people; we are called to come together frequently, continuously, when it is needed or desired by either person!

Oh, and while women have less of the traditional kind of porn, the millions of ‘romance novels’ bought by women show another kind of fornication. A mental lust for the ‘perfect’ man; one so unlike the man that shares your bed (when you let him).

So what are the details of the Scriptural recommendation? How does that work out in practice? Well, keeping it G rated (well, perhaps PG) the first step is to stop hiding from reality. Wife, encourage your husband to clearly communicate his needs and desires. Stop blackmailing him with, “If you really loved me you would see that I am (fill in the blank: tired, mad at you, had a hard day with the kids, worried about Aunt Susy… etc.)” Start encouraging and even asking. Pick the very worst time of day for you, a time when (because he is so well trained) he would never ask or even hint… and ask yourself.

Move outside of your box as far as comfort zone. Take all those times that won’t work, all those things you won’t do, all your myriads of ways of saying, “no”, “not now”, “not here”, “but they will know”, and the like and throw them away. Clear away. Re-read the Song of Solomon and translate all of the metaphoric bits and you will find there things that will shock you. Re-read Proverbs five and ask yourself how you are supposed to help him rejoice in your breasts at all times.

Men, don’t let your guilt lead you further into sin. Face your sin, and God’s required solution. Go to your wife with fear and trembling, perhaps, but go to her. You must not force her to comply with your every desire, but neither should you hide your desires from her. She is to be their recipient. Your desire is supposed to be for her; make them so.

Song of Solomon 4:1-16 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair;

thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks. Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.  Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards.

Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.

How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!

Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.

Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

This post is the second in a series:

I:   To avoid Fornication

Comments open below

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull honestly and thoughtfully.

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

 

About Suzanne Calulu
  • http://yllommormon.blogspot.com/ aletha

    Good gracious! So I should feel guilty, as a wife, because I, physically or emotionally, am not in the mood? It’s my legal, spiritual duty to “give” my husband sex on demand, just so he doesn’t get a wandering eye? That my feelings and needs should be put aside, just because my husband, apparently, can’t control himself? Or even worse, I should pretend to be horny for his sake? Why in the “your body belongs to your husband, his body belongs to you” logic, is more emphasis placed on the woman’s body belonging to the husband? If that scripture really meant equality, then wouldn’t waiting until both parties are ready for each other really be the answer?
    Frankly, if my husband was so insensitive to my needs and feelings that he felt he was entitled to me “putting out” whenever he so felt inclined, I would tell him enjoy his porn and his hand, and leave me out of it.

  • texcee

    So, a wife is supposed to put out on demand, no matter if she’s sick, tired, overworked with the kids (lots of them, of course), the house, bills, etc., etc., etc. because the Bible commands that a husband should “rejoice in her breasts”? What a male fantasy! Men should stop thinking with their penises and treat their wives as human beings and not blow up sex dolls.

  • Cathy W

    …well all she has to do is lay there and take it, amirite?

  • Sara Lin Wilde

    A woman is expected, upon marrying, to suddenly unlearn the lessons she’s been taught throughout girlhood and adolescence, all of which have predisposed her psychologically and socially to be “picky”. That’s not going to go well.

  • Trollface McGee

    Silly me, thinking marriage was about love, commitment, raising a family.
    Nah, marriage is there so a guy has a permanent sex toy in case the urge *ahem* arises – because using your hand is unnatural, using another human being as an object is just dandy.

  • Nightshade

    Now I really AM wondering just what is going on inside Mr. Ohlman’s head, he seems so very sex-obsessed. What kind of issues has he had with pornography/adultery himself that he expects a woman to be available to meet a man’s every urge with no expectation of self-control on his part? I would be very curious about his personal life, past and present, to understand how he got to such a point of view.

  • http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/ Retha Faurie

    Vaughn uses the verse on marrying rather than burning as his starting point for understanding the Bible, and then goes on to get what he want from the Bible in other regards too. I believe his king is his you-know-what-body-part and from that, he interprets all of life – the Bible included – to serve his wants.

  • persephone

    It’s a common lie told by abusers. If the woman would just do X then he wouldn’t do Y. It’s all part of the pattern of control. My nonreligious abuser coerced me into sex all the time — it was rape; my consent was coerced by threats — but it didn’t stop his porn addiction or his abuse or his drug use.

  • persephone

    I bet he’s absolute shite in the sack.

  • http://yllommormon.blogspot.com/ aletha

    Yeah. My dad was like that, too. It was always our fault that we were “bad” and he didn’t want to hit us.
    I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this, though.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Daily sex never stopped a man (or a woman for that matter) from looking at porn if they are so inclined.

  • texcee

    “Abuse” is the operative word here and you’ve got it exactly right. This is physical, sexual, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse.

  • Lynn

    Yep. And I can tell you from personal experience that this shreds a woman’s soul. There’s nothing quite so hurtfully crazymaking as being raped and told it’s an expression of love. I would have killed him had I not had the resources to run.

  • Madame

    Let’s not forget the couple may very well still be living with his parents…. Oh the fun!

  • NeaDods

    Remember y’all, he’s not just saying this about women in general. He’s saying this about teenaged girls! Girls as young as 14!

  • texcee

    Two words. Lorena Bobbett.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    I really don’t see how it could be possible to view sex as a service that women are obligated to provide for men and not be shite in the sack.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Well, if Vaughn has his way, she won’t have much to unlearn, since she’ll be married about the same time she hits adolescence. So…problem solved?

  • Nightshade

    Get the girls tied down with an adolescent husband and several babies by the time they’re legally old enough to make their own decisions. Yep, that’ll end well, won’t it?

  • Theo Darling

    Yeah, the only sex-obsessed people I’ve ever met were conservative Christians. <_<

  • persephone

    There are times when I’d love to be a fly in the wall at Von’s; then there are times I mentally smack myself and tell myself, “Are you insane?”

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    We must think alike because I think about that too.. but mostly I want to do a Vulcan mind-meld just to see how he got to those conclusions but I’m afraid it would end up like the time Mr. Spock tried to mind-meld with the Hora beast in “Devil in the Dark” and I’d end up screaming, “The Pain! The Pain!”

  • http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/ Retha Faurie

    Suzanne, there are some minds we really do not want to get into.

  • Trollface McGee

    He’s definitely got some issues. A normal person does not want “sex on demand” nor thinks that he is in any way entitled to it.

  • texcee

    I was stewing about this as I drove to work this morning and came to this conclusion. Let’s come right out and say it — Vaughn Ohlman is a pedophile and a sexual predator, using the Bible to make it “okay.” He’s no better than Warren Jeffs and his “spiritual marriages” with 12- and 13-year-old girls in his “Temple” in the FLDS compound in Texas. Jeffs is exactly where he belongs now — in prison for statutory rape and sexual assault. Maybe someone needs to investigate Ohlman to see what’s REALLY going on here.

  • http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/ Retha Faurie

    Was it Vaughn who also had the “modesty site” where he discussed the clothing of teen girls, and whether they are too immodest? Or am I confusing him with someone else quoted on this site?

  • Fledgeling Feminist

    This logic may be meant for two purposes. First, to coerce and threaten their wives into sex, and second, to punish a resistant wife by marching to the computer (in the basement, naturally, none of this accountability crap) while shouting, “See what you have driven me to!”

    Also, notice that in his eyes, porn is porn. With no difference between portraying a mutually pleasurable consensual sexual encounter and “BaReLy LeGaL gets it in the @#$!1!1!” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say his kind of “godly husband” prefers the latter.

  • Kristen Rosser

    I really don’t see how turning his wife into his own personal porn star is going to fix a man’s addiction to porn.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    That was Minthegap and his site is still offline.

    He is edging into sexual predator territory with some of his preoccupations. But records searches do not reveal him to be an actually convicted sex offender.

  • NeaDods

    Certainly he’s an apologist for pedophilia.

  • JetGirl

    Wow, this reminds me of Tess’s amazing posts on here a while ago. No matter how much she tried to please her husband, he kept ordering porn, then claiming it was being sent to them by mistake.


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