What's That I Feel?

  Several people have told me that I looked sooooooooo tired and worn out in the photo I used with this post. It's true ~ for years I was seriously exhausted and felt like it would be so easy to die ~ all I had to do was surrender to that feeling of being completely spent...Now that I am "No Longer Quivering" ~ that's all changed and I have my health back ~ Hooray.I remember when I first realized that the horrendous stress I'd been under for so many years was mostly relieved and my nerves were beginning to recover.I was out at the mall with the children on a Saturday afternoon. Something about me just didn't feel quite right. I wasn't sick ~ or dizzy ~ What was I feeling? As we walked … [Read more...]

Laura's Story…will be slightly delayed

by LauraDear Readers of NLQ,You may have noticed that it has been a while since I posted an installment of my chronological story. I was doing some “research” in order to get more writing done this morning. I dug out my old journal kept during the time of my clinical depression and subsequent treatment. When I read it, I was so enraged at the pain and abuse inflicted on me, I was too angry to write coherently.I stomped around the house swearing for a while.I was so dependent on my ex for every thing - emotionally, physically spiritually. I was angry at the hell he put me through so he could follow “God”. I was angry at myself for not being what I thought he wanted me to be but mostl … [Read more...]

Off to College??

   Laura circa 1981 When I was a sophmore in High School, I was a cheerleader. Go Mustangs!!That year we went to Cheer Camp at UC Santa Barbara (UCSB). It was fun as you can imagine. During my senior year I started looking at colleges and UCSB was on the top of my list. I love the ocean and it was right there. I had some familiarity with the school having spent a week there at camp.I applied to some other schools when the time came and, of course, filled out all those financial aid and grant applications. I waited...and then the acceptance letters started coming in. I was a good student and was accepted to every school I applied to.Now the time came to decide which school to go t … [Read more...]

Three Lilacs and a Statue

by LauraI had 9 perfectly normal pregnancies and deliveries. Well, my ninth baby was premature but things worked out fine and we had her at home and kept her at home. She was just a bit on the tiny side but all went fine.Over the course of the next 2 years, I experienced 3 devastating miscarriages. One right after the other. I was stunned. My body had never betrayed me like this before. I never had trouble conceiving or bearing children. Why was this happening to me? I had never felt this kind of hurt, this bereavement. As a Christian, I comforted myself with the thought that ultimately we all wanted our children to end up in heaven, right? Well, I had 3 that had made it there safely … [Read more...]

I want my Mommy!!!!

by LauraI thought about my mom. I thought about if my daughter was told she was clinically depressed, I would want her to tell me so I could love her up and help her. But I had been estranged from my mom for so long. She would call me about every 3 months just to make sure I was okay. The calls were always hard on both of us. If I was feeling especially pious, I would usually end up arguing with her and saying some negative thing to her. But most often we were just sad and talked about nothing important. I hardly talked to her about her grandkids because it was too painful for her to hear. Almost every time we spoke, I would get off the phone and beg my husband, "Can't we handle this … [Read more...]

The Amazing Bosch Universal Mixer

by LauraWhen I was living on the farm we grew almost all of our own food. We planted our own wheat and then harvested it with a pull type combine hooked up to our antique John Deere 70 tractor. We had a hand cranked fanning mill (another antique) to clean the wheat which was quite the operation. One of the bigger kids would crank the giant handle to produce the wind and shaking needed to send that wheat through the fanning mill screens and discard all the impurities. Well almost all. Inevitably there would be little bits of “stuff” that was the same size and shape as the wheat berries that would escape the cleaning process.With our home grown organic wheat berries in hand, I would get o … [Read more...]

The Evil Demon of Depression

by LauraThings were very hard for me. I was so depressed and confused. I would spend most of my day closed up in my bedroom crying. I didn't know what to do to turn my husband's heart back to me. I remember sitting at the table one day and telling him I would gladly begin wearing a head covering again if this would make him happy. He said something to the effect that he had seen women wearing head coverings that were not the least bit submissive to their authorities and women who didn't wear one who were. I wasn't sure if I fit into the former category but I was afraid to ask. I had worn a head covering for about 3 years thinking that it made me more spiritual. It was an outward sign of … [Read more...]

Back to the Farm

by LauraWell, my children made it back home. We had a wonderful and exhausting time. My two year old was like all two year olds...exercising his right to say, "NO!" The boys had a wonderful time with Richard (my hubby) at the Museum of Flight. The three of them went there without us girls and the boys were full of laughter and stories when they returned. It was so nice to see that they have realized that this man who genuinely loves their mother is not a horrid nasty person to be feared. He is not the villain they have been led to believe he is. He is actually a pretty nice man who knows a lot about airplanes and such and is fun to be with. My younger girls also seemed to like their … [Read more...]

An Affair with God

 by LauraAfter Dale returned from Brazil, he was not the same man. He hardly interacted with me or the children. He stopped sleeping with me, preferring the living room couch over our bed. He stopped praying with me which was something we did together every morning before we left our bedroom for at least 15 years. He stopped interacting with me on almost every level. He would go for long “prayer walks” every evening often returning after I had gone to bed. He would lay on his face on the floor for 2 hours in the morning and read his bible and pray.Sometimes, after his morning quiet time, he would come get in the bed with me to “cuddle”. I felt like he was throwing me an old bone. As if … [Read more...]


by LauraWe had some dear friends that gave us a video put out by New Tribes Missions (NTM) called “E-Etaow”. After viewing it, Dale felt like maybe God was calling him to go on a mission trip. So that summer he left for 6 weeks on a mission trip to Brazil with NTM and the kids and I ran the farm. My oldest was 15 and the baby was about 1 year old. I took care of the 9 kids and my son and I even put up a cutting of alfalfa almost all by our selves.Dale became friends with some of the missionaries there and he made trips to Brazil every year after that for the next 3 years. Once I went with him and then he took the older kids two at a time. He would be gone for 3 weeks or so in the dead o … [Read more...]