When am I supposed to sleep…?

 by LauraWhen my 11th baby was born, he had feeding issues. He just wasn't getting the hang of nursing and I think my “plumbing” was getting a bit worn out. After two weeks of trying and trying and him crying and crying, I took him to a Lactation Clinic an hour and a half away. The nurses and doctors were wonderful and remembered me from the last time I had a baby with these problems. They told me that I needed to use a breast pump every two hours all day and every 4 hours at night and keep track of how much milk I was making and feed every drop to my baby and supplement him with formula so he would gain weight.Now, being a QF mom, I felt that bottles and formula equaled failure. I mean, … [Read more...]

A voice from my past …

by LauraLaura & Richard, 1981In order to tell the next part of my story I have to go back a bit in time. It may not make sense to you at first but stay with me. It will. Back in the summer of 1980, I met a young Marine and fell in love. He was so handsome and strong and wonderful. He treated me like his princess and I adored him. We spent the summer riding around on his motorcycle, going to Disneyland and the beach. It was wonderful! But there was a problem... I lived 450 miles away. He lived in the same town as my dad and I could only see him when I went on visitation to my dad's place. But love knows no distance. We corresponded and talked on the phone and every time I went to … [Read more...]

Tom and Glenn and …

by LauraAbout this time I was talking to some Christian friends of mine about going to counseling. I guess I thought that counseling wasn't quite the failure that drugs were so I was willing to try it. Not to mention that I knew I needed to do something before I totally lost it. My friends told me about a counseling center near me that was run by the International Center for Biblical Counseling (ICBC). They were Christian-based, of course, and they had a ministry that included helping people who were being demonically oppressed or possessed.Now, whether or not a Christian can be bothered by demons was an issue that we had discussed at times with our former pastor and I really didn't … [Read more...]

Sing, sing a song….

by LauraNow I sing what ever I want.....and I play guitar when I sing.....and no one chooses the songs for me....and my husband appreciates and enjoys it when ever I pick up my guitar. So different...so nice.I have always been a singer. Some people would say “I've got the music in me”. I loved to sing but never had the “stick-to-it-iveness” to learn an instrument. I tried many but they just took too long to learn! But my voice was already there and I already knew how to use it. I couldn't read music much past “follow the bouncing ball” but that was okay. I sang the lead in 2 musicals in high school and had dreams of being a rock star!I met my ex husband on the set of our high school's … [Read more...]

What's That I Feel?

  Several people have told me that I looked sooooooooo tired and worn out in the photo I used with this post. It's true ~ for years I was seriously exhausted and felt like it would be so easy to die ~ all I had to do was surrender to that feeling of being completely spent...Now that I am "No Longer Quivering" ~ that's all changed and I have my health back ~ Hooray.I remember when I first realized that the horrendous stress I'd been under for so many years was mostly relieved and my nerves were beginning to recover.I was out at the mall with the children on a Saturday afternoon. Something about me just didn't feel quite right. I wasn't sick ~ or dizzy ~ What was I feeling? As we walked … [Read more...]

Laura's Story…will be slightly delayed

by LauraDear Readers of NLQ,You may have noticed that it has been a while since I posted an installment of my chronological story. I was doing some “research” in order to get more writing done this morning. I dug out my old journal kept during the time of my clinical depression and subsequent treatment. When I read it, I was so enraged at the pain and abuse inflicted on me, I was too angry to write coherently.I stomped around the house swearing for a while.I was so dependent on my ex for every thing - emotionally, physically spiritually. I was angry at the hell he put me through so he could follow “God”. I was angry at myself for not being what I thought he wanted me to be but mostl … [Read more...]

Off to College??

   Laura circa 1981 When I was a sophmore in High School, I was a cheerleader. Go Mustangs!!That year we went to Cheer Camp at UC Santa Barbara (UCSB). It was fun as you can imagine. During my senior year I started looking at colleges and UCSB was on the top of my list. I love the ocean and it was right there. I had some familiarity with the school having spent a week there at camp.I applied to some other schools when the time came and, of course, filled out all those financial aid and grant applications. I waited...and then the acceptance letters started coming in. I was a good student and was accepted to every school I applied to.Now the time came to decide which school to go t … [Read more...]

Three Lilacs and a Statue

by LauraI had 9 perfectly normal pregnancies and deliveries. Well, my ninth baby was premature but things worked out fine and we had her at home and kept her at home. She was just a bit on the tiny side but all went fine.Over the course of the next 2 years, I experienced 3 devastating miscarriages. One right after the other. I was stunned. My body had never betrayed me like this before. I never had trouble conceiving or bearing children. Why was this happening to me? I had never felt this kind of hurt, this bereavement. As a Christian, I comforted myself with the thought that ultimately we all wanted our children to end up in heaven, right? Well, I had 3 that had made it there safely … [Read more...]

I want my Mommy!!!!

by LauraI thought about my mom. I thought about if my daughter was told she was clinically depressed, I would want her to tell me so I could love her up and help her. But I had been estranged from my mom for so long. She would call me about every 3 months just to make sure I was okay. The calls were always hard on both of us. If I was feeling especially pious, I would usually end up arguing with her and saying some negative thing to her. But most often we were just sad and talked about nothing important. I hardly talked to her about her grandkids because it was too painful for her to hear. Almost every time we spoke, I would get off the phone and beg my husband, "Can't we handle this … [Read more...]

The Amazing Bosch Universal Mixer

by LauraWhen I was living on the farm we grew almost all of our own food. We planted our own wheat and then harvested it with a pull type combine hooked up to our antique John Deere 70 tractor. We had a hand cranked fanning mill (another antique) to clean the wheat which was quite the operation. One of the bigger kids would crank the giant handle to produce the wind and shaking needed to send that wheat through the fanning mill screens and discard all the impurities. Well almost all. Inevitably there would be little bits of “stuff” that was the same size and shape as the wheat berries that would escape the cleaning process.With our home grown organic wheat berries in hand, I would get o … [Read more...]