My Courtship Story ~ Part 7: I Do

June 25, 2011 By

by Young Mom @ Permission to Live

We spent most of our time together at our family homes, so we also spent a lot of our time together trying to evade family. Since we were engaged we were allowed to go on short excursions alone to public places. So we ran errands for the wedding, like picking up my wedding dress after the alterations were finished, or running to the mall to pick out “Hunk”’s wedding band. When we were around my house, we went for lots of walks together, and I even took him up to my secret spot on the garage roof where we could be alone.

At the end of June (about 3 weeks out from the wedding) I went on another trip with “Hunk” and his family. We all flew out to spend a week with his extended family and introduce me to his grandma. Again, time together was wonderful! Like the weekend early that same month, we ended up getting a lot closer on this trip. His family mostly left us alone when there were no planned events, so we had days of uninterrupted time to wander around the parks in the area.

Up until this point, we had been able to keep my parents rules for the most part. My Dad still hadn’t approved hugging, and we did hug when we were out of his eyesight. But other than that we were being very careful. The emphasis on no physical touch just seemed to heighten the desire for it all the more. I was torn between really wanting to get closer to My Love, but still feeling an incredible burden to obey my parents and give a good example for my siblings. My parents always explained the reasons for their rules being that “kissing would inevitably lead to other stuff”. On this trip, it became apparent to “Hunk” and I that you could get around to “other stuff” even if you never technically kissed. The whole thing started to feel ridiculous, and “Hunk” was getting frustrated. We both knew that the no kissing rule was silly, and we both wanted to kiss, but I was still saying no each time he asked me, and he respected that no.

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After we returned from the trip, I was getting fed up. We had all this pressure to be a wonderful example of what finding your spouse “the Christian way” meant, and I didn’t want to pretend that meant we hadn’t gone beyond holding hands. Maybe it was possible to go through courtship and engagement without any physical connection, but it didn’t feel like as big a deal as I was supposed to think it was and our relationship wasn’t turning out that way.

At church everyone was so impressed with our Courtship (aside from the pregnancy rumours that continued to circulate), many parents in the church saw us as a wonderful example of a “pure” relationship, and used it to bolster their own opinions of their authoritative role as parents in their own children’s lives. I even heard from one Quiverfull mom who was planning on bringing her 6 children (all under the age of ten) to the wedding because she wanted them to see how we had “saved our first kiss”. It felt hypocritical to stand up at our wedding and kiss for the first time, thereby implying that we had zero physical connection throughout our engagement. So 8 days before the wedding I decided that the charade was over and on a walk to the park near my house, I kissed him (or should I say attacked him!).

It was such a relief to have it over with and not have to think about it anymore! Later that day, I informed my Mom that the kissing ban was officially over since I had kissed “Hunk”. She was disappointed, but fairly understanding. She said it was good that we had held out against temptation as long as we did, and that one day I would be grateful we hadn’t kissed. When my Dad heard, his just made the tight-lipped look that he gets when he isn’t happy, but I guess since the wedding was so close, he decided to let it slide.

At some point in that week before the wedding, my Mom decided to talk with me about sex, for the first time since I got the bare bones basics “where babies come from” talk at 11 years old. She basically asked if I had any questions about the wedding night. I asked her if losing your virginity was painful, and she replied that she didn’t really remember, but that she didn’t think so. And that was it. A few months after the wedding, she pulled me aside and asked if I knew that women could have orgasms. I have to admit I laughed when I told her that thankfully I had figured out a few things on my own thanks to books and the internet.

“Hunk” and I never had any pre-marital counselling. I guess the idea was that since we were both Christians and had extensive involvement of our parents who had determined that we were compatible, it was unnecessary. Plus “Hunk”’s Dad was a Pastor, so we had some chats with him that I guess were supposed to be a substitute for counselling. We never talked about Family systems or background or boundaries, or conflict resolution, or finances, or anything much really. He gave us a book on sex and told us what we’d been hearing since we were young, “sex is great, but only when you are married”.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Abstinence, Alienation, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Boundaries, Christian Modesty, Courtship / Betrothal, Emotional Purity, Enmeshment, First Kiss at the Altar, Gender Equality, Issues, Mother's Helper, My Courtship Story, NLQ Stories, Personal Autonomy, Purity, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Topics, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs) Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Courtship Story ~ Part 4: The Singing Again

June 22, 2011 By

by Permission to Live

We had a good time talking and getting more comfortable being around each other that first day of our courtship. And best of all we were able to see each other again the very next day at Greek class. It was kind of nice to be officially courting, because now we could get down to business and talk in more depth about our beliefs and what we were hoping for in a marriage relationship and children.

That Monday after Greek class (while my sisters hung around and waited for me to be ready to leave) we even talked a little bit about ideas for a wedding. Before I left that night “Hunk” gave me a letter to open the next day (he called it “sad Tuesday”) since we wouldn’t be able to see each other.

I got to open it the next day and it was my first “love letter” of sorts, detailing how excited he was to start this relationship with me and that he couldn’t wait to see me the next day. I must have read it 20 times that day, and I still have that letter tucked in my old journal now.

For Wednesday we planned to get together at the church where I taught some violin lessons in the morning. We each had a sister along to hang out in the church and chaperon while “Hunk” and I ate the lunch I had made and talked. After we ate I pulled out my list. I was very serious and intentional about what I believed and what I would not be OK with in a marriage relationship. Over time I had written 4 pages of theological, relational and child raising questions that I considered important. Some of them were non-negotiable in my mind, such as whether or not he was a Christian, what his beliefs on birth control were, and if he believed that men and women were equal. Some things on the list were preferences, like would he be open to homeschooling and was he OK with the fact that I have some food allergies. And still others I was just curious about, such as would he be willing to talk about things that made him angry or was he a quiet thinker type, what did he like to do for fun, what were some of his best memories from childhood?

I think “Hunk” was kind of surprised at the size of my list, but he answered all my questions openly, and even came up with a few of his own on the spot. When we were done, there was moment of awkward silence, and then “Hunk” said “well, I guess now we just have to hang out and see if we click.”

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He drove over to my house for dinner with the family on Thursday, and again on Friday. We planned to go on our first real live date to the zoo that Saturday. I could hardly wait. One of his sisters and one of mine tagged along to chaperon, and we had an amazing time walking around the zoo and talking, and talking and talking. We talked about dreams for the future, hopes and convictions. I loved that he was willing to engage on every topic that came up, and that he continued to take whatever I was saying seriously, and respect my opinions.

Our sisters took some pictures of us together, and looking at them now, you can see the happiness in my face in every single one. I remember him telling me that I was beautiful at some point that day, and my heart just soared. Towards the end of the day, I slipped walking up some stairs and as I regained my balance I saw that he had reached forward to take my hand, and I found myself wishing that we had permission to hold hands.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Boundaries, Christian Modesty, Courtship / Betrothal, Emotional Incest, Emotional Purity, Gender Equality, Issues, My Courtship Story, NLQ Stories, Personal Autonomy, Purity, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Topics, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Sibling Relationships, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs) Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Courtship Story ~ Part 3: New Horizons

June 21, 2011 By

by Permission to Live

Mid April, my friend the Greek teacher walked up to me at a church event and started talking to me. We chatted about C.S. Lewis and Victor Hugo and suddenly I saw “Hunk” in a different light. He was interesting, he actually listened to stuff I was saying instead of keeping quiet just long enough to formulate his response. When I saw him the next week, he ended up hanging out by me again. We talked, if I walked into another room he would wander in there himself a few moments later. I started to think that maybe he was interested in me, but I still wasn’t sure if I was interested in him.

“Jay” was still on Military leave, and he randomly tried to make conversation with me during that Sunday, maybe he was trying to “get to know me better” so I would change my mind. Later when “Jay” went back to base, I noticed that his brothers and parents were kind of following me around at church and trying to make their way into any conversation I was having with “Hunk”.

At a church potluck at the end of April, I noticed “Hunk” talking to another girl at some point during the day, and I was surprised by some feelings of jealousy. She was the girl that I considered an educated, prettier, skinnier version of myself, surely he would lose interest in me after hanging out with her. (I had no idea she was talking about the new raw diet she was trying out, and that he was bored and trying to figure out a way to get out of the conversation politely.) Later that day “Hunk” and I arranged to get together under the guise of letting our siblings hang out.

The day they were scheduled to come over, I was nervous. I’m sure it showed. I took a shower, covered blemishes with concealer, and even wore the only pair of pants I owned without express reason or permission from my parents. (“Hunk” liked those jeans, it was the first time he’d ever seen me in pants. I still have them even though they no longer fit me.) We ate lunch at our house, and all of us hung out and chatted.

At some point we started talking about maybe going to see a movie together, so we all piled into the 15 passenger van and drove off to see “The Pacifier” with Vin Diesel. All the siblings that were with us got their tickets, but by that time “Hunk” and I had decided that we could do without the movie, we wanted to make the most of our chance to talk. They went into the theatre and we went back to the van, and he asked if we could run over to the nearby mall and get a coffee together. I hesitated, because technically I was not allowed to be alone with a person of the opposite sex, so I called my Dad on the cell phone and asked for permission to get coffee. My Dad said no, and that if we were not going to the movie in the company of our siblings, we would need to come back home. So we drove the 5 minutes back to my house and sat in the living room with the babies and talked, and talked.

By now we were kind of discussing what the various courtship rules of our families were, and later that day when he and his siblings went home, we were both excited about how much we related to each other.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Abstinence, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Boundaries, Courtship / Betrothal, Emotional Incest, Emotional Purity, Enmeshment, Gender Equality, Issues, My Courtship Story, NLQ Stories, Personal Autonomy, Purity, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Topics, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs) Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Courtship Story ~ Part 2: Waiting and Hoping

June 20, 2011 By

by Permission to Live

Now that I had given up on being anything but what my parents wanted from me, I began to gain some sort of sense of contentment. I was still afraid that I was going to be a stay at home daughter the rest of my life, but I had hope that “the time of the singing” would eventually come. So I poured myself into being the best daughter I could be. I had discovered some food allergies that had been impacting my health, and after removing the troublesome food from my diet, I had more energy. I got better and better at cooking and cleaning, I dreamed about how I would run my own house someday. I was usually too tired to work on anything for my hope chest, but I was “happier” than I had been in a long time.

When I was almost 19, my family started going to a church for the first time in 10 years, and I looked forward to the service and fellowship every single week. Breaking out of the isolation my family had been in for so long was making a difference in my life. My skills at the violin were improving, and since music teaching was something I was possibly able to do out of the home if my husband ever needed extra money, I was allowed to get certification in Suzuki Violin Training. I had half a dozen students and I taught once a week at a local music group. I was good at it, and I enjoyed the chance to have an outlet.

I tried not to think about how long I could be waiting for the “time of the singing” to arrive, and spent the time as best I could. I got up early every Sunday morning and my sisters and I tried to get everything ready so we would be able to go to church which was almost an hour away. Every Sunday I would hold my breath and wonder if any of the young men would notice me. We were even allowed to participate in the bi-monthly Young Peoples group since it was attended and led by the parents. So I was getting more time around other teenagers than I ever had.

I had hopes for one young man, but he never really showed any interest. There was another young man I’ll call “Dave” who came over to say hi almost every Sunday, and I hoped that perhaps there was something there. I wrote down everything he ever said to me in my journal, hardly believing that anyone actually sought me out to talk with me. But months went by and nothing further ever happened, no other prospects appeared.

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The pastor’s son (who was planning on going into ministry himself) offered a class in biblical Greek, and my Dad decided that this was a great chance for all of us to get better at it, so two of my sisters, myself and my Dad all went together each Monday night to study Greek together.

It was an interesting class, and the teacher was fun. “Hunk” was my age, but I never really considered him as a potential mate. He was tall and had tons of poofy blond hair that stuck up all over his head. He seemed to be a decided nerd, always dressed in dress pants and a polo shirt. He was very smart, and when we had been to dinner at their house earlier that summer, he and I had ended up talking for some time about the Greek language and the recent reading I had been doing on the history of Israel. But he had been interested in another girl from the church, and I was sure that they were going to be together soon, if they weren’t already. Plus he was kind of loud and energetic. You could often hear him talking from the opposite side of the room, and that made my serious reserved self a little uncomfortable.

After awhile, my Dad started to make it to class less and less, he was busy with work, so he would send us girls by ourselves. Sometimes after class we would all hang out for a few minutes and talk before heading home, and I liked this teacher. “Hunk” was interesting to talk to, and he was considerate and smart. But I still never thought of him in a romantic way. Class ended early in the year, and “Dave” who had continued chatting with me every Sunday still hadn’t made a decisive move. I was starting to think that there was no one in our church for me to marry.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Alienation, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Boundaries, Courtship / Betrothal, Emotional Purity, Gender Equality, Isolation, Issues, My Courtship Story, NLQ Stories, Personal Autonomy, Purity, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Topics, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs) Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It's About the DAUGHTERS

June 17, 2011 By 11 Comments

[Note: This piece is being crossposted at No Longer Quivering as a way to introduce NLQ readers to guest writer, Libby Anne's new blog: Love, Joy, Feminism. Read Libby Anne's "The Beautiful Girlhood Doll" series here.]

by Liberty

When it comes to the multitude of problems with Christian Patriarchy, it is the position of the daughters that I am most passionate about. The patriarch has it pretty good – he’s the one who gets to call the shots. The sons usually don’t have it so bad either – they’re patriarchs in training. The mothers may spend their lives having baby after baby and they may believe that they’re to submit to the patriarch in everything, but they generally chose this life at some point, and knew what life was like before on the outside. Then there is the daughter. Unlike her mother, the daughter of Patriarchy has no choice.

She is told that all she is ever to be is a wife and mother. She may someday run a home business, selling herbs or dresses she’s made, but she may never work outside the home or – god forbid! – have a career.

She is told that an education is a dangerous thing. Education in the Bible and in homemaking skills are a good thing, but worldly knowledge is dangerous. The daughter of patriarchy learns early that she must guard her mind from evil thoughts and any question or doubt.

She learns early the importance of submission. She must submit to her parents, and, even when she is grown, to her father. She is taught that women must always be under male authority, and that an independent woman is a dangerous thing.

She spends her days helping her mother, cooking and cleaning and changing diapers. This is her destiny, and it is what she is put on earth for. She has little time with friends, as her mother is busy with baby after baby and she must be counted on to keep the house running.

She learns that the world outside of her patriarchal bubble is an evil and dangerous place. Feminists are selfish and ungodly, girls who wear tank tops and short skirts are sluts and whores, and the world is descending into chaos and damnation.

In sum, she is taught to believe what her father does, do as her father says, and stay in line. Any sign of independent thought is immediately squelched. She is taught a skewed view of the world, brainwashed into believing that those who might be her greatest allies are her enemies, and that to be different is to be evil. She knows nothing of the outside world save fear. Her education is often deficient, and even if she is educated well, she is taught to shoot low and her potential to dream big dreams is stifled, thus sabotaging her potential to even consider a worthwhile or fulfilling career. Thoughts normal girls have never enter her mind.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Alienation, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Child Training, Emotional Incest, Enmeshment, Father Worship, Femininity vs Feminism, Homeschool, Isolation, J.O.Y (Self Denial), Love, Joy, Feminism (Libby Anne), More from NLQ ..., Parentification of Children, Patriarchy, Personal Autonomy, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Topics, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Sheltering Children, Socialization, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs), What It's All About Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 11 Comments