Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World ~ Part 3: Perception

December 9, 2010 By 23 Comments

[Note: this series is dedicated to Quivering Daughters by the former-Quiverfull moms at No Longer Quivering.]
by Vyckie

So what is “abuse” and who gets to define it? Steadfast Daughters devotes a considerable amount of time and mental energy to this question. The trouble with making definitions central to the discussion is this: there’s no way to do it without being condescending, petty and dismissive of Quivering Daughters who are reporting their highly personal, and necessarily highly subjective experiences of emotional and spiritual abuse.

There is no objective way of defining and quantifying “abuse” ~ no way. Sorry. Try it if you must ~ but you will lose.

Too many factors affect our perception and judgment. We all perceive the same experiences differently ~ it can’t be helped since no two people are all alike. It is even possible for the same individual to perceive the exact same experience differently depending on mood, health, energy-level, etc. One day the dish water is too hot and scalds our hands ~ next day, same temperature ~ but we’re freezing and this time it feels good. We have different levels of pain tolerance, our focus and ideals change making once appreciated behavior suddenly intolerable, memories fade, memories emerge … there’s really no way to predict ~ and there is no way to control.

Quiverfull moms want their daughters to feel secure ~ unaware, perhaps, that to the daughters, “security” is associated with prisons and confinement. Daddy wants to protect his girls ~ his daughters feel controlled and possessed. QF parents enforce standards of modesty ~ thinking this will affirm their daughters’ worth and instill a sense of value and self-respect ~ instead, their daughters feel like freaks and just want to be normal ~ rather than feeling modest, they feel that they are drawing unwanted attention to themselves because they cannot blend in with a crowd.

Consider too, that the majority of first-generation Quiverfull Believers were saved out of horrific backgrounds ~ their childhood was often SO outrageously dysfunctional that as children they longed for and would have been exceedingly grateful for the sort of lifestye which they’re providing for their own families. Let me explain.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Alienation, All The Way Out (Jane Douglas), Anorexia, Anxiety, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Big Happy Family Vision, Botkin Syndrome, Boundaries, Bounded Choice, Child Abuse, Child Training, Chores, Chores, Chores!, Christian Modesty, Coercive Religious Groups (Cults), Depression, Educational Neglect, Elitism, Emotional Incest, Enmeshment, Family Reformation Magazine (James & Stacy McDonald), Father Worship, Formulaic Religion, Fundamentalism, Gender Equality, Honoring Parents, Instant, Joyous, Obedience, Isolation, Issues, Judgementalism, Ladies Against Feminism by Mrs. Lydia Sherman and Mrs. Jennie Chancey, Legalism, Maintaining Appearances, Manipulation, Mental / Emotional Health, Mother's Helper, Must Read! ~ NLQ Readers Choice ..., NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Reviews, Parentification of Children, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Quiverfull Books, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Discernment Books, Quiverfull Discernment Websites, Quiverfull Leaders, Quiverfull Ministries, Quiverfull Resources, Quiverfull Topics, Quivering Daughters (Hillary McFarland), Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland, Raising Maidens of Virtue by Stacy McDonald, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Return of the Daughters (Vision Forum), Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Self-Preservation Factor, Self-Righteousness, Separation - Individuation, Shame, Sheltering Children, Shunning, So Much More by Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin, Soul-Binding, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs), Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World (No Longer Quivering), Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World (Stacy McDonald), Stockholm Syndrome, Submission, The "Rod", To Train Up A Child (TTUAC) by Michael Pearl, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Visionary Daughters (Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin), Vyckie's Posts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 23 Comments

Dispelled ~ One Girl’s Journey in a Home School Cult ~ Part 6: Growing Pains

December 9, 2010 By

Please note: The content contained herein does not necessarily reflect the values and opinions of the NLQ blog and its administrators.

by Chandra

For the last six months, I dreamt of living in Texas and of being free. I knew that I didn’t know Gabe, but just the thought of getting out of the hell that I was currently in was all that I cared about. Everything else paled in comparison to the nightmare that I was living. My optimism still kept me going, and I was confident that even though I had been keeping an enormous secret from my parents, and that I didn’t know who this guy was, I would still find love and freedom. Two things I desperately wanted.

I began to use the babysitting and housecleaning money that I would receive weekly from our neighbors, to buy wedding magazines and collect things for my hope chest. I was truly convinced that the right way of doing things was to go through a betrothal process that would eventually end in a tightly monitored engagement period. I was determined to win the favor of this family by being the perfect example of a good homeschooled girl. My heart, for those six months, sang.

Maybe part of the reason why I am not so enamored with springtime as the majority of the populace is because nothing ever good came out of the months of February, March, and April for me. Our homeschooling conference was to be held in June, and by the time that April had made her entrance, mom and Candi were furiously working around the clock trying to finalize all of the many details that went into planning such a major event. This meant frequent phone conversations with one another that would last for well over six hours in a given day and also numerous phone calls to the speakers and vendors.

I knew from having been raised in this movement, that Candi would be speaking with Gabe’s dad, Mr. New, about his hotel arrangements and the sessions that he would be presenting to the flock. Candi and my mom took very seriously their role as leader, or “Shepard” as they referred to themselves. Much care and endless hours were spent with each convention speaker ensuring that the material they were presenting was exactly what they wanted “their people” to hear. Rather than being a facilitator of information, they felt they had been called by God to teach these “precious families” the way that God wanted them to live: in fear. We lived in fear of government, fear of extended family, fear of neighbors, fear of culture, and fear of the world and these fears dictated our belief system. Our homeschooling group had become an isolationist cult and it was led by two very powerful women: Candi and my mother.

Sometime in April, my mother began to carry around an air of hatred towards me again and I could tell that it was something that I had done, or failed to do. I knew to ask her what the problem was would be asking for unwarranted trouble so I kept my distance from her. I hid in my room to escape my toxic family and listened to Christian cassette tapes that I had bought covertly. My mom was adamantly opposed to Steven Curtis Chapman (too worldly), Michael W. Smith (too worldly), Newsboys (rock music was not Christian music), DC Talk (Christian rappers were wolves in sheep’s clothing), Amy Grant (she had an affair), Sandi Patty (she had an affair too), Rebecca St. James (not only did God hate rock music, Ms. St. James was not a “true homeschooler” and “not one of the flock”)…and of course every CD that I owned in my collection were from these artists. They lifted me up on the wings of hope and helped my heart to feel close to Christ. But I couldn’t sing along with them and I had to hide the tapes well.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Adventures in Recovery, Alienation, Anxiety, Boundaries, Bounded Choice, Child Abuse, Child Labor, Courtship / Betrothal, Depression, Dispelled ~ One Girl's Journey in a Home School Cult, Drinking the Koolaid, Educational Neglect, Enmeshment, Formulaic Religion, Fundamentalism, Gender Equality, Homeschool, Isolation, Issues, Judgementalism, Legalism, Maintaining Appearances, Manipulation, Marketing "Biblical Family Values", Mental / Emotional Health, NLQ Stories, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Quiverfull Topics, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Self-Preservation Factor, Separation - Individuation, Shame, Shunning, Socialization, Soul-Binding, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs), Submission, The Myth of Teenage Rebellion, Toxic Relationships, Triggers Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World ~ Part 2: Expectations

December 8, 2010 By 22 Comments

[Note: this series is dedicated to Quivering Daughters by the former-Quiverfull moms at No Longer Quivering.]
by Vyckie

Proverbs 22:6 says: Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Damn ~ I really hate that verse. Let me tell you why.

1) It is from this proverb that we Quiverfull moms got the idea that through diligent training we could ensure our children would become mature Christians firmly grounded in the Lord and His word. Of course, we all know that God has no grandchildren ~ our sons and daughters must come to their own faith in Christ ~ still, there is a promise implied in Proverbs 22:6 which leads QF parents to believe that by our intimate involvement in their day-to-day lives, we can influence our children for righteousness.

So we try.

2) It is from this same verse that our children get the idea that their adult future is our responsibility. I don’t think we ever blatantly taught our daughters that their marriage, their career (or lack thereof), their walk with God, their ultimate happiness ~ all are inseparably dependent upon their upbringing ~ but we did teach them the principle of authority … and with authority comes responsibility. If Quiverfull parents are going to claim the authority to guide and direct our daughters’ education, training, choice of a mate, career path (or lack thereof), and even their daily devotions and quiet time ~ then are we shocked when these same daughters blame the parents when things don’t work out and they are struggling?

In other words ~ we can’t say, “Mom & Dad are to be the primary influence over our children’s education” unless we’re also willing to be fully accountable when those children are in some ways unprepared for higher education, the marketplace or domestic duties due to gaps in their learning. We can’t spend years teaching our daughters to trust and expect their parents’ intimate involvement in their choice for a life mate, and later, when as young women, they are in relationships which are necessarily messy and imperfect, say, “Don’t blame me because you are unhappy!”

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Alienation, All The Way Out (Jane Douglas), Anorexia, Anxiety, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Big Happy Family Vision, Botkin Syndrome, Boundaries, Bounded Choice, Child Abuse, Child Training, Coercive Religious Groups (Cults), Courtship / Betrothal, Depression, Educational Neglect, Elitism, Emotional Incest, Enmeshment, Father Worship, Formulaic Religion, Fundamentalism, Gender Equality, Help Meet, Homeschool, Honoring Parents, Isolation, Issues, Jennie Chancey, Judgementalism, Ladies Against Feminism by Mrs. Lydia Sherman and Mrs. Jennie Chancey, Legalism, Maintaining Appearances, Manipulation, Mary vs. Martha, Mental / Emotional Health, Mother's Helper, Motherhood, Must Read! ~ NLQ Readers Choice ..., NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Reviews, Parentification of Children, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Proverbs 31 Woman, Psalm 127 / Quiverfull: Be Fruitful & Multiply, Quiverfull Books, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Discernment Books, Quiverfull Discernment Websites, Quiverfull Leaders, Quiverfull Ministries, Quiverfull Resources, Quiverfull Topics, Quivering Daughters (Hillary McFarland), Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland, Raising Maidens of Virtue by Stacy McDonald, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Return of the Daughters (Vision Forum), Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Self-Preservation Factor, Self-Righteousness, Separation - Individuation, Shame, Sheltering Children, Shunning, So Much More by Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin, Soul-Binding, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs), Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World (Stacy McDonald), Stockholm Syndrome, Submission, The Godly Woman, The Way Home / All The Way Home by Mary Pride, To Train Up A Child (TTUAC) by Michael Pearl, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Umbrella of Authority, Visionary Daughters (Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin), Vyckie's Posts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 22 Comments

Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World ~ Part 1: Sincerity

December 3, 2010 By 11 Comments

[Note: this series is dedicated to Quivering Daughters by the former-Quiverfull moms at No Longer Quivering.]
by Vyckie

Stacey McDonald, author of “Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters,” has set up a new website devoted to responding to Hillary McFarland’s “Quivering Daughters” book and website.

As one who embraced the idea of trusting the Lord with my family planning and devoted myself to raising up polished “arrows” fit for the Lord’s service ~ “Raising Maidens of Virtue” was a much-referenced book in my large collection of “biblical family” materials. I loved the title. The words “Feminine Loveliness” filled my imagination with visions of my five lovely daughters whom I wanted above all to be wholesome, carefree, healthy-minded, devoted, steadfast, and full of joy ~ secure in my love and in the love of the Lord.

The reason I was so enamored of Stacey’s writings is because, like Stacey, I had experienced a less-than-ideal childhood ~ a broken family, abuse, insecurity ~ and I wanted to spare my own children as much of that sort of pain as possible. I believe that’s the motivation for the majority of parents ~ and especially Christian parents who adopt the Quiverfull ideals ~ homeschooling, courtship, sheltering children, stay-at-home daughters, etc.

On her Steadfast Daughters site, Stacey shares some very painful memories of her own agonizing childhood ~ reading her account, my heart went out to Stacey. All those feelings of intensely desiring to protect my children from all the hurt, the uncertainty, the cruelty and the indifference of “this world” ~ my determination that things would be different for me and my children overwhelmed me and for a moment, I was back in my old Quiverfull reality.

So I will admit to feeling nostalgic and surprisingly sympathetic to the mother’s-heart senitment which I read on the Steadfast Daughters website. I believe Stacey and the other SD contributors when they repeatedly claim to love the Lord and their children ~ I believe as parents, they have the best of intentions ~ they are intelligent, kind-hearted, caring Christians who only desire to give their ALL for the sake of bringing up a quiver full of children for the glory of the Lord.

I think Hillary ~ whose Quivering Daughters outreach is proving to be a considerable challenge, bringing much-needed balance and perspective to the “Virtuous Daughters” ideal ~ would agree that Quiverfull mothers such as Stacey have noble motives. They certainly have not chosen these incredibly grand ideas and the demanding lifestyle for the sake of their own convenience or from lazy, ignorant, or selfish hearts. They’re not doing it because it’s fun ~ or because it is their first preference or only alternative. These moms are sincerely convinced that they are doing the Lord’s absolute best for their families. Hillary understands and recognizes that QF parents do love their children ~ and for that reason, the tone of her book is incredibly gentle and her accounts of abuse are often understated.

It’s a dilemma which all survivors wrestle with when we write about mental, emotional, and spritual abuse ~ certainly we want to expose the harm in order to warn others and provide refuge for those who are seeking support and comfort ~ but at the same time, we do not want to lash out in bitterness and anger against those who, despite our hurt and suffering, we know to be good people at heart.

That’s why most of the NLQ guest writers share their stories using a pseudonym ~ they leave out identifying details ~ they desire to protect the identity of their family. Quivering Daughters walk a fine line between honoring parents and telling the truth about their experience of the QF/P family life.

One theme which pervades the Steadfast Daughters website could be summarized this way:

We, your parents, mean well. We love God and we love our children. We strive to do our very best ~ but we are not perfect ~ sometimes we mess up and we unintentionally hurt our children. Please don’t let our mistakes lead you to bitterness and hatred ~ hold fast to the Lord ~ forgive and forebear.

What makes the Quiverfull teachings especially pernicious is the unlikely, but unmistakable combination of very good intentions and really, really bad ideas.

Since “waking up” from the Quiverfull dream world ~ I’ve spent a lot of time and brain power puzzling over this: Sincerity and good intentions should count for something.

How many times as a fundamentalist Believer did I hear a preacher or teacher say, “It’s possible to be sincerely wrong!!”?

I do not want that to be true.

Of all the teachings which I no longer believe ~ this is the one I’d most like to be a complete and total lie.

Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Alienation, All The Way Out (Jane Douglas), Anorexia, Anxiety, Beautiful Girlhood, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Big Happy Family Vision, Botkin Syndrome, Boundaries, Bounded Choice, Child Abuse, Child Training, Coercive Religious Groups (Cults), Depression, Drinking the Koolaid, Educational Neglect, Elitism, Emotional Incest, Enmeshment, Father Worship, Formulaic Religion, Fundamentalism, Gender Equality, Honoring Parents, Isolation, Issues, Judgementalism, Ladies Against Feminism by Mrs. Lydia Sherman and Mrs. Jennie Chancey, Legalism, Maintaining Appearances, Manipulation, Mental / Emotional Health, Motherhood, Must Read! ~ NLQ Readers Choice ..., NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Reviews, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Proverbs 31 Woman, Psalm 127 / Quiverfull: Be Fruitful & Multiply, Quiverfull Books, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Discernment Books, Quiverfull Discernment Websites, Quiverfull Ministries, Quiverfull Resources, Quiverfull Topics, Quivering Daughters (Hillary McFarland), Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland, Raising Maidens of Virtue by Stacy McDonald, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Return of the Daughters (Vision Forum), Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Self-Preservation Factor, Self-Righteousness, Separation - Individuation, Shame, Shunning, So Much More by Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin, Soul-Binding, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Stay At Home Daughters (SAHDs), Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World (No Longer Quivering), Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World (Stacy McDonald), Stockholm Syndrome, Submission, The Godly Woman, To Train Up A Child (TTUAC) by Michael Pearl, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Visionary Daughters (Anna Sophia & Elizabeth Botkin), Vyckie's Posts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 11 Comments

Dispelled ~ One Girl’s Journey in a Home School Cult ~ Part 5: Freedom Longing

November 29, 2010 By

Please note: The content contained herein does not necessarily reflect the values and opinions of the NLQ blog and its administrators.

by Chandra

My sixteenth birthday was fast approaching and something unusual was going to occur: I would be allowed to have my second birthday party, and this was no small matter: It would be my first co-ed party. I had sufficiently stuffed my depression and became exactly what they wanted: quiet, gently, reserved, and pious. In fact, I became so good at playing this game of theirs that I had eventually gained respect because I was so vocal in support of The Movement. Never a complaint was uttered again from my lips about how much I hated my situation. I learned to adapt so that I could survive and escape the abusiveness. Granted my father and I did not get along, but at least my mom’s spiritual abuse subsided. I learned to accept that this was simply my lot in life.

I actually regret that. I was telling my husband just the other day that if there was one regret that I had while in my parent’s home, it was that I allowed my personality to be squelched to such a level that even I barely recognized myself. I wish that I would have been a stronger person and simply refused to listen to their Kool-aid. I wish I would have talked to my grandmas and my aunts, I wish I would have been true to myself and been the person that I was created to be. I suppose hindsight is everything.

The big nagging question in my life was how on earth would I meet someone to marry out of this family? And how on earth would I do that when I was never allowed to be around guys? I knew that I had missed the boat on scholarships, and whenever I would bring up to my mom about going away to college or taking the ACT or SAT, I was pushed aside.

My family had risen to quite the level of power and status in our area, though the homeschooling groups themselves were riddled with infighting and politics. I listened daily to my mom giving advise to those who would call asking for help on applying for scholarships, when to begin applying for colleges, and when to take the ACT or SAT. I knew the answers. You apply for scholarships at the end of your sophomore year, apply to colleges in your junior year, and take the ACT or SAT every year from your freshman year on.

But I was a Daughter of The Movement, and those types of girls just simply did not do those things. It did not matter that I requested, nagged, and implored them to let me go to college, I was to remain at home until I married. I was to remain under my father and mother’s tyrannical reign, and then my husband would rule me. At that point, that actually sounded appealing. I wanted to take the ACT or SAT exam, but that was where my mom and Candi’s sick paranoia kicked in. They believed that “the government” used those tests as a means to “track” individuals and “come after them.” Think extremist and conspiracy theorist paranoia. That was who they were and that was Mom and Candi’s reason for not allowing us kids to take the exam. And there was no convincing otherwise, not by us girls or by our dads, because we all knew who really wore the pants in the family. Their idea of biblical submission was all for show.

So I knew that I would be left with very little options, other than to marry. My parents were all over arranged marriages, courtship, and betrothals. Richard “Little Bear” Wheeler and Norm Wakefield were frequent visitors at our homeschooling conferences. With as dysfunctional as my family was, that concept caused me great cause for anxiety. I knew that if they were to spend any amount of time with my family that my chances of securing a courtship-proposal were as good as over. While for some girls, this concept may- and I emphatically stress, may- have worked to their benefit, I knew that this simply would not work for me. I knew that I was going to have to take those matters into my own hands.

Filed Under: Courtship / Betrothal, Dispelled ~ One Girl's Journey in a Home School Cult, Dominionism / Christian Reconstruction, More from NLQ ..., NLQ Stories, Quiverfull Books, Quiverfull Leaders, Quiverfull Resources, Quiverfull Topics, Richard "Little Bear" Wheeler, The Principle Approach: Christian Self-Government by The Foundation for American Christian Education (FACE) Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,