Who Was That Masked Man? Part 1

May 15, 2012 By 18 Comments

by Calulu

This is a new series that I’m starting. I actually started writing about my history with the one person that impacted me the most during my days at the old church. I’m flip, I’m sarcastic in this series but mostly I am processing what happened to me because it seems like a plot straight out of the recently cancelled series GCB (Good Christian Bitches). After telling my therapy years ago about this man I was encouraged to write it all down. I did and if I didn’t laugh and poke fun I’d be crying right now. It was the most corrosive relationship I’ve ever been in and I didn’t even have the common sense to run from it. I’ve changed names and some small details because until recently this person still stalked me in an effort to make me return to my old beliefs. I have to believe his extreme inner hurt drove his behavior.

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If there was one person that affected my journey both into and out of a Patriarchal Fundigelical church that man would be Tom Smith. He was there at the start and he still haunts me like a cackling insano Captain Ahab chasing Moby Dick around an endless ecclesiastical sea. He has a monomaniacal desire to either force me back into our old borderline fundamentalist way of life replete with a submissive attitude or to hound me about going to hell. Sometimes he seems to spit at me “ … to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. “ but it sounds more like, “You are going to HELL for going to THAT church with homosexual abortionists and unGodly UNSAVED!!!!” Eleventy1111111!!!!

Back when the husband and I were new believers we ended up going to the same church as he back in 1995, PCC. He and his wife pounced upon us at once, inviting us over to watch movies, play cards, or share a meal. We didn’t know anyone else in the church at that time and they, Tom and Tina, had four boys ranging from just older than our son to the same age as our daughter. The kids loved to get together.

From the first I was put off by Tom’s fake-seeming Jesus Freak persona. He would do things like stop in the middle of a movie or game to lecture about Jesus. He prayed very publicly in almost a showy fashion at the drop of a hat and constantly had Christian rock and roll playing at full blast. These things set off my internal bullshit detector but since we were newly minted kool aid drinkers I thought I was the wacky one.

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Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Accountability, Alienation, Anxiety, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Boundaries, Calling Husband "Lord", Control, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Elitism, Fear tactics, Fundamentalism, Group Think, Help Meet, Hospitality, Hospitality, Husbands Love Your Wives, Isolation, Issues, J.O.Y (Self Denial), Judgementalism, Kobayashi Maru ~ The No-Win Scenario, Legalism, Like-Minded Fellowship, Maintaining Appearances, Male Headship, Manipulation, Markers of a Cult, Meek and Quiet Spirit, Mental / Emotional Health, Motherhood, Mr. Command Man, NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Open Comments, Pater Familias, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Prosperity Gospel, Proverbs 31 Woman, Quiverfull Topics, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Self-Preservation Factor, Self-Righteousness, Shame, Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Issues, Submission, The Godly Woman, Titus 2 Woman, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Umbrella of Authority, Weaker Vessel, Who Was That Masked Man by Calulu Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 18 Comments

Unwrapping the Onion: Part 1: A Secret Revealed

April 30, 2012 By 9 Comments

by Permission to Live

This post is part of a series of nine posts. Please click here to start with the series Introduction.

As many of you know, my spouse and I got married young after a short parent-supervised courtship. We began our marriage “the right way” according to everything we believed. We had obeyed our parents and stayed pure from emotional relationships or sexual activity, so when we got married neither of us had ever been intimate with any other person. We were wholeheartedly committed to our Christian beliefs at that time, feeling certain that birth control was wrong in almost any circumstance and that men should be the family leaders and women should be submissive. My husband was in seminary to be a Christian minister and I was a stay-at-home wife. We worked together to start a church for homeschool families with a strong emphasis on faith practices in the home and we used our experience growing up in conservative homeschool families to encourage them. We talked about how homeschooling had protected us from the world, and how well courtship worked to keep young people pure and got them into solid god-honouring marriage. We prayed together, read our bibles together, and sought to follow God’s will in everything.

But none of this changed the secret that we never really spoke of.

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Filed Under: Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Courtship / Betrothal, Emotional Purity, Fear of Hell, First Kiss at the Altar, Formulaic Religion, Gender Equality, Help Meet, Hot Topics, Husbands Love Your Wives, Issues, Marriage Covenant, Men are Visual, Mental / Emotional Health, Motherhood, NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Open Comments, NLQ Stories, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Proverbs 31 Woman, Purity, Quiverfull in the News, Quiverfull Topics, Sexuality, Shame, Spiritual Issues, Submission, The Godly Woman, Titus 2 Woman, True Love Waits, Umbrella of Authority, Unwrapping The Onion by Permission To Live, Weaker Vessel Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 9 Comments

Snipped! Part 4 The Freedom of Divorce

April 10, 2012 By 9 Comments

by Incongruous Circumspection

Seven years old was a big year for me. It was at this point that Mama and Dad’s relationship boiled over and broke apart. Dad left and went to live by himself, leaving my siblings and I alone with Mama. At this point in my life, the alone time with Mama wasn’t too bad. She hadn’t learned yet, to take her immature “lashing out,” and reconcile it with her interpretation of the Bible. She was just solidly abusive and then excitingly adventurous.

At one point, Dad did try to come back and give the marriage another chance. I remember being asked to dry the dishes one evening. Dad had pulled our old black and white television from its corner, to the middle of the living room, and was watching a night game between the Vikings and who cares who else. I was drying a dish and became quite interested in the noise coming from the tube, being that I wanted to love what my father loved, so I peeked around the corner into the living room. Dad caught my gaze and motioned for me to climb up on his lap. I obliged and, for the next sixty seconds, I learned everything about football down to the color of the Vikings away laces.

Sixty seconds with my Dad was an eternity. He had come back to try and reconcile with Mama and the whole eleven days that he stayed was a living hell for him. Any time he tried to enjoy his family by playing with his kids, Mama would come into the room and yell, demanding that we go and do some chore that sorely needed to be done. This time was no different. Around the corner she came, swooping in and grabbing me, forcing me into the kitchen to finish my duties. It would be about a year before I watched another game of football with my father.

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Filed Under: Alienation, Any Cause Divorce, Biblical Chastisement, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Child Abuse, Child Labor, Child Training, Chores, Chores, Chores!, Covenant Breaking, Divorce & Remarriage, Elitism, Fundamentalism, Honoring Parents, Husbands Love Your Wives, Instant, Joyous, Obedience, Isolation, Issues, Judgementalism, Jurisdictions, Legalism, Male Headship, Marriage Covenant, Mental / Emotional Health, NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Stories, Pater Familias, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Quiverfull Topics, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Self-Preservation Factor, Self-Righteousness, Separation - Individuation, Snipped! by Incongruous Circumspection, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Adultery, Spiritual Issues, Submission, The Godly Woman, Toxic Relationships, Umbrella of Authority, Uncategorized, Unequally Yoked, Weaker Vessel Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 9 Comments

Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage: Part 1c Men are Fragile, Women are Manipulative Fools

April 3, 2012 By 10 Comments

by Incongruous Circumspection

In Part 1b we listened in as Gothard tried valiantly to describe the differing outlooks on life that, according to his understanding, men and women exemplify. It needs mentioning again here that Bill is relying on no practical experience. He has never been married. It makes sense that, being he has propped himself up to be a guru in every area of life, and the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of worshipers at his feet, he would make vast, overarching, easily wrapped up in a square box and neatly tied with a silk bow, conclusions for very complex issues in life. One of those issues is human nature. It cannot be pidgeonholed, no matter how many verses you abuse.

Let’s lean in to hear Bill Gothard describe the perfect cheerleading bear rug – the good wife.

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[Be enthusiastic about your husband’s achievements. Sharing his excitement is more important than sharing his work. Your husband needs and wants your faithful, loyal, and enthusiastic support.]

Poor, poor men. We have no self-esteem. If we do something good and a woman is not there to jump up and down, clapping her hands in utter joy, we are spent, and cannot continue on in this life. Even if the woman is exhausted from making meals, doing dishes, washing laundry, cleaning the house, schooling the fourteen children, and otherwise doing everything a stay-at-home perfect wife and mother should be doing, as quoted in a hen-pecked Proverbs 31, if I walk through the door, excited about the penny I found on the street and the subsequent rock candy I was able to buy with it, my wife would be expected to throw her arms around me and give me a thousand kisses, exclaiming her enthusiastic excitement for my success.

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Filed Under: 7 Basic Needs of a Husband / 7 Basic Needs of a Wife, Accountability, Advance Training Institute (ATI) / Institution for Basic Life Principles (IBLP) (Bill Gothard), Bible Interpretation, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Bill Gothard, Equality Central, Examples of Quiverfull Gone Wrong, Fundamentalism, Gender Equality, Help Meet, Incongruous Circumspection, Issues, Judgementalism, Learned Helplessness, Legalism, Male Headship, Manipulation, Marriage Covenant, More from NLQ ..., NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Open Comments, NLQ Stories, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Proverbs 31 Woman, Quiverfull & the Bible, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull Discernment Books, Quiverfull Discernment Websites, Quiverfull Leaders, Quiverfull Ministries, Quiverfull Resources, Quiverfull Topics, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Snipped! by Incongruous Circumspection, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Submission, The Godly Woman, Umbrella of Authority, Uncategorized, Weaker Vessel Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 10 Comments

Thirtyone – Adventures in Recovery

March 25, 2012 By 18 Comments

by Calulu

I was driving around the other day running a few errands and when I got back to my car I caught the tail end of a some random preacher speaking about the proper role of women in The Kingdom on local Christian radio. I didn’t catch his name or the name of his ministry or sponsor but his message was loud and clear and made my blood boil. Bulls eye. Trigger hit. Buttons pushed.

He started off speaking on the subject of what his ten year old daughter wanted to be when she grew up. She’s crazy for gymnastics and he asked her that question about the future we all contemplate, what did she want to be when she grew up. Her answer to that question was that she would be a gymnastics teacher as an adult.

I had to wonder how she’s come to limiting her own scope as an adult at that young age. I thought it was rather sad that his daughter said she was going to grow up to teach gymnastics instead of saying she dreamed of being an Olympic gymnast or of winning this or that gym meet. She simply wanted to teach her passion. She didn’t dare expand her dreams to include anything like actually being in competition as a gymnast. Her own goals were limited in scope to start with.

It was pretty obvious she wasn’t going to receive the same type of nurturing or encouragement the average ‘worldly’ or ‘atheist’ parent might give their offspring. Her passion and talent would never receive the type of acknowledgment and respect it might elsewhere. It’s hard to develop to the best of your talent without the emotional support of those closest to you. I suspect that is why this child could not see any further than teaching one day.

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Filed Under: A Woman's Choice, Adventures in Recovery, Alienation, Baking / Cooking from Scratch, Biblical Manhood & Womanhood, Big Happy Family Vision, Boundaries, Calling Husband "Lord", Child Training, Coercive Religious Groups (Cults), College for Daughters, Courtship / Betrothal, Drinking the Koolaid, Early Marriage, Elitism, Enmeshment, Equality Central, Father Worship, Fear of Hell, Feminazi, Femininity vs Feminism, Formulaic Religion, Fundamentalism, Gardening, Gender Equality, Help Meet, Herbal Medicine, Homemaking, Homemaking Skills, Honoring Parents, Hospitality, Hot Topics, Instant, Joyous, Obedience, Isolation, Issues, J.O.Y (Self Denial), Judgementalism, Learned Helplessness, Legalism, Maintaining Appearances, Male Headship, Manipulation, Marketing "Biblical Family Values", Marriage Covenant, Meek and Quiet Spirit, Mental / Emotional Health, Motherhood, Mr. Command Man, NLQ Miscellany, NLQ Stories, Pater Familias, Patriarchy, Perfectionism, Personal Autonomy, Pro-Life, Proverbs 31 Woman, Psalm 127 / Quiverfull: Be Fruitful & Multiply, Quiverfull Discernment, Quiverfull in the News, Quiverfull Topics, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Self-Abnegation / Martydom, Sewing, Spiritual Abuse & Recovery, Spiritual Issues, Submission, Tea Parties, The Godly Woman, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Umbrella of Authority, Uncategorized, Weaker Vessel, Women's Sufferage - Voting Rights Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 18 Comments