I feel like I’m struggling. It’s a hard thing to admit, but I know something has to change. Thank the Goddess for my friends, who seem willing to just hang around and make life more entertaining. And thank the Goddess for all these crazy projects I have to distract myself.
My mind is not my own, it feels like. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety a couple years ago, and depression was suspected, but a lot of things that signaled depression just didn’t catch my attention back then so I didn’t realize there was a problem
I’ve always been prone to anxiety, particularly focused on unfamiliar areas, and the fear of a friend retaliating or walking away just because I pissed them off. I have known a lot of people who act this way. While I have at least partially overcome my fears when it comes to expressing my own anger at someone’s actions, new problems have reared up, like these weird thoughts of death in the context of how do I prepare for the inevitable. I still cringe at slamming doors, or yelling, which is an old one.
I’ve always been a little scatter-brained. But lately, the concept of remembering which of my three usernames is paired up with which of my three circulating passwords for a site is outrageously difficult. Things like that. I can’t remember what I was talking about more and more, can’t seem to keep a train of thought.
Then there is decision making. I’ve always been a little indecisive, spending time mulling over pros and cons in situations where it wasn’t that big of a deal. That’s changed. Now, about half the time, if I have a decision to make, I can’t even come up with ideas because of a sense of…almost thought paralysis, inability to formulate and evaluate ideas. I was trying to discuss bi laws with the Pagan group I lead here in Champaign. We have a talking stick instead of a talking shell, and at times it was hard to hold the pieces of my thoughts together, to formulate a solution to a dilemma or potential answers to a question. Friends noticed this.
I have always wondered why I have random aches and pains, mostly in my hands and wrists and shoulders. I’m prone to headaches. Apparently this is depressant talking, at least according to a few psychiatric articles I have read in journals. I think in the past six weeks, during which everything I describe in this piece has steadily become more problematic, I have had at least one headache in a five day span of time, and it almost feels flu-like, the amount of pain I’ve had lately.
There are a couple more facets to this. I’ve always had a bizarre sleep schedule but it never caused problems. Now I have had three stretches of nearly 72 hours where I might sleep four maybe five or six. I can feel exhaustion, but it’s like some part of me resists resting, and stopping forward motion in life. And then there are the mood swings. I do wonder if they are worsened by my period. It’s really easy to see. I’ll be laughing and joking, and then bottom out, or turn absolutely livid. I’ve always been temperamental but this is new. My moods change the way the wind changes direction. It’s just far worse.
The cutting urges have changed. Now it is no longer to drain the infected sore in my mind. Now it is so that the way my mind feels, like an open and ragged wound, is mirrored on the surface. There is something physical to show how I feel.
I guess I have been throwing myself into my web site, my other contributions, and #bracletsforMaeve because its distracting and I feel like I have control. As long as conversation continues I stay engaged and its easier to resist. But I keep visualizing that red line opening on my arm or thigh, the sting, the flow of warm blood carrying off the pain I feel emotionally. My depression was born of circumstance, but it lingers though things have gotten a great deal better.
I have no medical insurance, I get just enough that I cannot have medicaid. JAWS doesn’t cooperate with the marketplace site. So I can’t try for special enrollment or anything. So I just wish I could get some help managing this sudden spiral into scattered thoughts, explosive moods, memory lost, and a wash of social pain I have never seen before unless there has been a legitimate reason for it. No way to get meds, and the free clinic in town almost never has psych services available to new patients. It is just that full. I just wish i knew what started this horrible slide back at the start of July and why this sucks so bad Then maybe I could find some help. My friends are good, hanging out when I’m depressed, giving me menthol cigarettes or smokey treats to take the edge off how I feel. I figure ten or eleven cigarettes in the course of an entire month is at least preferable to slicing into myself with a razor that was not sterilized. I kind of agree, and nicotene seems to help.
I have thrown myself into #braceletsforMaeve. I have created a way for people to donate, from my other site. I use the money to get bead jewelry making supplies. Making them makes me feel like I have control, and the renewed ability to be a creator. So essentially, I did it for the catharsis, but the bracelets were to brighten the lives of women in shelters trying to escape domestic violence. To bring a little beauty and confidence to them, and make them feel better about themselves.
So this is where I am. I’ve thought of cutting many times this week but I just try to frame the moment in my mind, and think that once later arrives I will be on to something else. I think so. I hope it helps someone.