I’ve hit a brick wall lately, with all that is going on, and I’m scaling back a little. I’ll be posting on Tuesdays from here on out, and I hope to get back to two posts a week.
On top of the two blogs I work on, I have a group I manage, and I’ve been trying to get a handle on my health. I’ve been pretty stressed with that, because I’ve been trying to deal with my depression, anxiety, and thyroid problems.
Things are moving forward. But today I had a eurology appointment, and it was…really hard. The CNA I had wouldn’t listen when both my friend and I were trying to explain to her an anxiety trigger of mine which has to do with people latching on in an effort to guide, rather than giving verbal directions. This chick just wouldn’t knock it off!
If there is one thing I can’t stand, it is being blatantly ignored. And doctors and hospitals create massive anxiety as it is. How do I learn to get past that when they don’t listen to the words I’m saying?
And then she wants to give me a pelvic exam. And that was, essentially the breaking point. No, you go nowhere near that, lady.
Not that I said it that way.
Friends have been pretty encouraging, as always. I am so greatful for that. Because I just want to sleep lately. Sleep, eat, watch movies, read, and hide out inside. I don’t know if it is the cold snap, or because, as a psychic vampire (psy vamp), just beginning to figure out how to control feeding, I’m no longer drawing energy from the ambient environment.
So right now I am trying to slow down. I’m worried about money and medication. And for a while I ran out of beading supplies so I had nothing to preoccupy myself with physically.
I’m looking forward to spending Yule with my circle, to driving out to Iowa to pick up a friend for New Year’s Eve, and to going to Lush and Ikea for the first time on the way. Some good friends are throwing a New Year’s Eve celebration, so I’m cooking for that. So I’m trying to live for now, but there’s a lot I am scared of.
I worry the government may run out of money and I will lose my benefits.
I worry I will not be able to get insurance so I won’t be able to get the MRI I need.
I’m worried my family might try to find me.
The world seems pretty dark right now, even with the good stuff I…am…Trying!…to look…forward to.