The other day someone called me a “Bro-Witch” online and mentioned that there were at least twenty other Bro-Witches out there in the universe. Now I have no idea what exactly at Bro-Witch is and who my Bro-Witching Brothers are, but apparently they are out there. Of course Bro-Witch was meant as an insult, and I took it that way, but after a little thought I decided that the title was absolutely hilarious.
According to the Urban Dictionary a bro is defined as:
An alpha male idiot. This is the derogatory sense of the word (common usage in the western US): white, 16-25 years old, inarticulate, belligerent, talks about nothing but chicks and beer, drives a jacked up truck that’s plastered with stickers, has rich dad that owns a dealership or construction business and constantly tells this to chicks at parties, is into extreme sports that might be fun to do but are uncool to claim (wakeboarding, dirt biking, lacrosse), identifies excessively with brand names, spends a female amount of money on clothes and obsesses over his appearance to a degree that is not socially acceptable for a heterosexual male.
Sadly (though I guess I should probably be relieved) I live up to very little of that other than being white. I’m way too old to fit the classic definition of a bro, hell I could most certainly be a “Bro-Dad” if I’d ever had kids. I do talk incessantly about my wife, but I’m allergic to beer. Now cider and whisky come up a lot in conversation, but only with people who care about such things. I don’t feel as if I’m all that belligerent, and while I’m a pretty harsh critic of my own writing I do think I can share a coherent thought. My wife drives a Pontiac Vibe to work most days, while I tend to walk around everywhere I go or take the train.
I do have a couple of shirts with Gerald Gardner on them, and a few with Crowley too, so I guess I like the brand names! Another definition of “bro” I found online identified cargo shorts as a part of the “bro” uniform and I’ll admit to being guilty on that end. After I finish writing this article I’m going to get my hair done-take that as you will!
Since I was the one identified as a Bro-Witch I had to make my model sort of look like me. Which meant I couldn’t give my Bro-Witch a beard or any tattoos but I’m sure those exist on a few Bro-Witches in the wild. I think I’m mostly making fun of myself in this article, so if you find yourself treading too closely to being a Bro-Witch, don’t worry, so am I!
Anatomy of a Bro-Witch
1. Wears Horns on Their Head This is an absolute must because the Bro-Witch desperately wants to be identified as a Witch while out in the wild. The horns say “I have a relationship with the Horned God and the Earth, and everyone should love me because of that.” Traditional bros often wear hats, but the Bro-Witch turns that around and opts for the horns. Also horns allow the world to see the beautiful hair of the Bro-Witch.
2. A Pentacle or Other Form of Witch Necklace Just in case the horns don’t say “Witchcraft” loudly enough, the obligatory necklace should do the trick. Most Bro-Witches go for the pentagram around their necks, but other versions are acceptable. Both hexagrams (Thelema) and the ten pointed star (found in some versions of the Anderson Feri tradition) say “look at me I’m a Witch dude!” Bro-Witches who want to show their softer side may opt for a goddess symbol around their neck.3. Skinny Arms The traditional bro often walks around shirtless and probably lifts weights, but not the Bro-Witch. The only heavy lifting Bro-Witches engage in are during cakes and ale, or perhaps when they get out the coven’s big sword to cast a circle. Underneath our Bro-Witches hoodie there’s most likely some sort of tribal tattoo.
4. Designer Witchy Zip-Up Hoodie Brand identity is of utmost importance to the Bro-Witch, so he shows his love of Witchcraft by wearing a Robert Cochrane Traditional Shirtcraft ™ hoodie. No Gucci or Michael Kors for the Witchiest of Bros, instead he wears his Craft allegiances on his sleeve. Other acceptable brands include Gerald Gardner Garb™, Esbat Extraordinaire by Valiente™, Hotfoot Jackson & Friends™, and Sybil’s Stitches™.
5. Cargo Shorts Today’s Bro-Witch is always on the move, and ready to do ritual at the drop of a Witch’s hat, so he carries around a portable collection of altar tools in the pockets of his cargo shorts. A Swiss Army knife makes for a great on the go athame, while his flask of whisky makes the perfect chalice. No candles and matches for the Bro-Witch, the mini-flashlight on his keyring does the job just fine. Loose change is the perfect symbolism for earth while a seashell and a pinecone represent the Lord & Lady.
Don’t worry about ritual, he’s got his Book of Shadows on a cellphone app all cued up and ready to go. Another app allows him to keep his best Witchcraft books on his phone too, perfect for when he needs to prove his Witchier Than Thouness to an outsider who doesn’t get the Bro-Witch code.
Does the Bro-Witch wear underwear? That’s kind of a personal question, but sometimes you’ve got to get skyclad in a hurry so probably not!
6. Open Toed Sandals The Bro-Witch loves nature and wants to be out in it, but he doesn’t want to be too close to it, which is why he wears sandals. The open toe allows him to feel the breeze over his toenails, but the soles of his sandals keep him from having to touch anything itchy or wet with his feet. “Blessed be these sandals that have brought thee to the Old Ways!” Indeed!
If you ever encounter a Bro-Witch in the wild and outside of a ritual circle, don’t worry, most of them are pretty cool and just want to go about their Witchy work!